Komui
by artbug
Summary: In one horrific night, everything Komui Lee had known and loved was torn from him. She's all he has left and he will find her, no matter what the cost.
1. Chapter 1

Hello my most dear readers. i apologize for the pause in updates and new stories. fear not; i havn't abandoned any of them, but am taking a much needed break. this will be another multi-chapter story, though most likely not as long as some of my others.

i hope you all enjoy.

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Komui Lee smiled and took another sip of his tea. It felt so good to be home. He had been away to study for months and finally managed to break away for his little sister's birthday. She was a treasure to him. Leaving home for school was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.

Mother was nearly past child bearing age when she bore Lenalee. It was lucky that they both survived. Lenalee was the joy of his parents' lives. If Komui didn't feel the same way, he would have been jealous. His own childhood had been one of strict upbringing and tradition. Many times he found himself on the receiving end of Father's walking cane. Though he loved them dearly, Komui was happy to be away. Mother and Father seemed to have mellowed by the time sweet little Lenalee had made her entrance into the world.

Mother had always wanted a daughter. So great was her desire for a little girl, she took to dressing Komui as one when he was too young to object. He didn't mind suffering such indignations; as soon as he was old enough to oppose it, she stopped. They laughed about it now.

Lenalee was sitting on the floor nearby, playing with the doll he brought her. He couldn't hold back the delighted grin as she danced the little toy around the floor where she sat. The girl wore a soft pink tunic over her little pants and tiny pink slippers. Mother had embroidered a series of flowers in bright colors over the left side of the fabric. Her long black hair was pinned into buns on either side of her head and decorated with cheerful ribbons. She noticed him looking at her and smiled back.

The toddler climbed to her feet and bounced over to her brother. "Big Brother!" she squealed. Komui lifted her onto his lap. She reached for his teacup with tiny uncoordinated hands and nearly sent it crashing to the floor. With a little yelp, he caught it and the girl giggled and clapped.

"Son…" Father called from inside the house. Komui turned towards the sound in time to see the man lean against the doorway. "I need you to go into town tomorrow… your Mother wants another bolt of that silk she likes and I'm out of the herbs for my stomach." Father was a bit overworked and his stomach suffered for it.

"Papa…" the toddler whined. "I wanna go too…" she bounced and accidentally kneed her brother in the groin. He groaned in distress while his father laughed madly. "What? Koomuuiii! What?"

He winced and removed the wiggly little body from his lap. "I'll leave in the morning, if that's alright, Father…" Lenalee whined again and tugged his shirt. "You can come with me little sister."

She squealed with glee and he pat her head. Komui turned his attention back to his book. His teacher expected a paper outlining his reactions to the reading when he returned. It was the same school his Father went to when he was young and like his father, Komui was heading toward a life as a professional astronomer and astrologer. He liked the mathematics and science in his lessons, but he didn't particularly care for the more mythical elements that came with it. _It seems silly…_

"Big Brother…" Lenalee tugged on his clothing again. "Come play with me…"

"Sorry Sister." He sighed. "I need to finish reading this." Her bright eyes seemed to water. She looked like she was going to cry. _Oh don't do that…_ Komui buckled under the slight pressure; he didn't want to see her upset. "Fine. Let's go over to the field… you can play and I'll bring my book, alright?"

"Yay!" she grabbed his hand with both her tiny ones and pulled him up. He let her lead him to the yard. Komui scooped his little sister and held her on his shoulders and walked down the long foot path towards the field near the woods.

It was a beautiful day; the afternoon sun was shining brightly and the entire world seemed alive with color. The grass was tall and green; there were wild flowers of all hues growing throughout. He set his sister down to play among them. Komui took a seat in the shade of a large tree at the edge of the woods. He smiled and stared up at the sky. It was almost painfully blue, not a cloud in sight.

He wished he could stay like this forever. It was so pleasant. He opened his book to the place he had marked and began reading about how the position of planets at the time of one's birth determined temperament. He didn't believe it; something about it just didn't seem to fit. The more he read, the more it just didn't seem logical. _The future isn't written in the stars… we have a choice. I just know we do… _He stretched his slender legs out and frowned.

Komui had been having increasing doubts about the subjects he was studying. He wanted to change his focus. He liked the purity of mathematics; there was beauty in numbers. They were solid, the basis of all sciences. Komui felt that through science everything could be explained; somewhere was one perfect equation that could explain everything. He was also interested in medicine, not the potion sellers and herbalists, but real medicine. He sighed and tried to put such ambitions out of his head. _Father would kill me… I would be a dishonor to my family. I can't shame them like that just because I'm unhappy with my schoolwork…_

He looked out to where his sister was braiding a wreath of flowers and, for a moment, felt terribly envious. _She's so carefree…_ He was only sixteen but he felt so much older. He was the firstborn and only son; it was his destiny to follow the path of his Father and of his Father and his Father before that. The weight of the Lee family name was on his shoulders. Lenalee was free. The only thing she would ever have to worry about is how good a husband Mother and Father will choose for her.

The next morning, Komui woke early to start the long walk through town. He washed in the basin in his room and squinted at his reflection in the little mirror. It was blurred. He needed spectacles, but he dared not tell his parents. Instead he just held his books closer. Glasses were too much a western invention; Father wouldn't allow such things.

He braided his long hair tightly into a neat queue. It hung down to the small of his back and drove him mad. It was one more thing he wanted to change about himself but refrained from doing. Tradition was a heavy thing to carry. He was grateful that his parents were progressive enough that Lenalee's feet had escaped binding.

"Come on Sister…" he fetched her from her bed. "We have a long trip today…" Mother was still asleep, so he brushed her hair and secured it with ribbons. "There we are! Who's the most beautiful girl in the world?" She turned and looked at him with wide eyes. "You are!" The girl's face split with a huge smile as she beamed at her brother.

They walked hand in hand down the dirt path to town. It was midmorning by the time they reached the market. Komui always loved the market; it was like another world. It was a unique experience every time. Bright bolts of silk, linen and cotton fabrics were laid out along with readymade clothing and shoes. The air was filled with the sounds of merchants advertising their wares and the smell of freshly harvested produce and herbs.

Lenalee tugged his hand and tried to pull him to a vendor selling toys. "Later, alright?" he pulled her back to his side to prevent her from being lost in the crowd. "We need to get Father's medicine first. Then we can go look at toys… I might just buy you something…" he bribed with a grin.

Komui threaded his way through the bustling crowd to the medicine shop. He liked the building. It was dark inside, musty; the air was thick and stuffy with the combined scents of medicines and drying herbs. It made him a little dizzy, but he still breathed deeply. In a place like this it was easy to imagine yourself back a thousand years in time. The medicine man wore rich traditional clothes.

In a place like this, Komui could believe that the planets affected temperament and that dragons really did soar among the clouds. The modern world didn't exist in this place.

"I need medicine for my Father's stomach…" he told the medicine man. He followed him around the tall shelves of the shop as the man gathered ingredients into a bag.

Lenalee's tiny hand slipped away from his and she darted around like a pink silk hummingbird. Komui only half paid attentions to her as he listened to the stooped man explain the uses of each ingredient. With a squeak of dismay she knocked into a barrel of some noxious liquid. Komui dove and caught it before it could spill too completely. Despite his best efforts there was still a big puddle on the floor.

Enraged, the medicine seller chased them both out of the shop before they could do further damage. Squinting in the bright sun, Komui glanced around to regain his bearings. It was then that he saw something that would change his life forever.

Komui pulled his little sister's hand and carefully threaded his way through the bustling crowd. A small score of people were gathering around a wagon where a man was talking loud and fast.

"Look Lenanlee…" he pointed. "An Englishman… they don't come here that often." Komui worked his way over to the man's makeshift stage. He strutted and gestured like an actor and Komui wished desperately that he could understand English.

There were mechanical objects whirling and whistling. Toys that seemed to move under their own power and miniature steam engines that buzzed back and forth. It was mechanics! Machines; science at work. Komui was utterly entranced. Sure they were only toys, only novelties but the principles that drove them were the same no matter the size. There was potential there. His fingers itched to touch them, to take them apart and see how they worked.

The man was selling western remedies as well. No superstitions, but studied and tested formulas. He had books as well and from the images on the covers Komui could guess they covered every topic from medicine and anatomy to engineering and physics.

His heart jumped. _This_ _is what I want to learn… science… my science!_ Lenalee tugged his hand and instantly brought him back to reality. His good mood evaporated. The world the man was selling was one he could never be a part of.

Suddenly Lenalee's hand jerked away from his and she hauled her awkward little body onto the wagon. The Englishman laughed and smiled when Komui grabbed for her and started stammering out apologizes.

He shot a wink a Komui's panicked face. The man sat on the floor and showed the toddler how to wind the key on a toy monkey. He actually lowered himself down as if she was of equal status. Komui wasn't sure if he knew what that implied. She imitated him the best she could and squealed with delight as the toy monkey clashed its tiny cymbals together.

The man glanced around until he caught Komui's eye. He beckoned him over with a gesture and spoke quickly in English. Koumi flushed with embarrassment; Father would not allow such a vulgar language to be spoken by his only son. He didn't understand a word and wanted to sink into the ground.

The Englishman seemed to understand the problem. He called to another European, who quickly took his place selling their wares. He hopped off the side of the makeshift stage and held out his hand to Lenalee. She giggled and daintily took it and followed him down. The man clapped a friendly hand on Komui's shoulder and led them both away from the crowd.

The man had blue eyes; Komui had never seen that color before. He wondered if that made them sensitive to bright light. The man kept talking and smiling; he didn't seem to care if they understood him or not. He took the toy back from Lenalee and showed it to Komui. "Gears." He said and pantomimed the turning of the mechanisms that powered the toy.

"Gears…" Komui repeated with some difficulty. He took a stick and sketched a simple diagram in the dirt. The Englishman laughed and nodded happily. He took the stick and added to the drawing, with a raised eyebrow he offered it back.

Komui stared at the image. It was a problem. He realized the man was testing him, seeing how well he could understand the way simple machines worked. Komui's heart jumped into his throat and he filled in the missing piece. Then he smiled; he drew another set. With a big grin he handed the stick back. The man solved it with ease.

For an hour they sat in silence, working out a code for numbers and testing each other with equations. Lenalee played happily with the monkey toy.

The other Englishman wandered over; the two foreigners exchanged words. The second man turned to Komui and said hello in Chinese. Komui grinned and returned the greeting and bowed low. Through the other man, Mr. Blue Eyes asked Komui his name and started a somewhat stilted discussion of science.

Mr. Blue Eyes told him that he had a natural aptitude for the physical sciences; he was a progeny. That he was gifted in mathematics and seemed to have an innate understanding of mechanics. Through the translator he told Komui that he had books to give him, things to help him learn further. The teen's heart nearly burst; already he was planning a way to study his own interests on the side.

The European piled volume after volume of anatomy and medical texts, physics, engineering and mechanics into Komui's eager arms. As an after thought, the Blue Eyed man added in a Mandarin/Chinese to English phrase book. Komui bowed again and again, unable to fully express his gratitude. He bought Lenalee the little wind up monkey and tucked the treasured books into a travel bag to hide them till he could reach the safety of his room.

He quickly stopped at the clothe sellers to pick up the bolt of silk for Mother and half dragged Lenalee from the market. She complained her legs were tired so he carried her. With her little head resting on his shoulder she dozed off, little toy monkey still clutched in her hand.

Komui rushed inside, depositing his purchases on the low table and carrying his precious new books to his room. "Father, Mother… I'm home. I'll be in my room studying." He slid the door shut to his little room and collapsed onto his futon, shoving his texts on astronomy and astrology away.

His heart pounded furiously as he pulled the first book open. Just having these books in his Father's house was taboo and somehow that made it all the sweeter. He couldn't read a word, but he nearly worshiped the images on the pages.

First a book on anatomy; there were actual photographs! The book must have cost a fortune to print; and the strange man just gave it to him, all because he thought Komui was clever. He rolled onto his stomach and slowly flipped the pages.

He choked; there was a photo of a dead body. A series of pages showed its dissection. It was a desecration of a human corpse. Komui was horrified and slammed the book shut. _How could someone do something like that to a body?!_ He sat and wrapped his slender arms around his knees and tried to process what he had just seen. He gasped and with a trembling hand reached for the book again. He knew there had to be a reason.

Breathing deeply, Komui forced himself to look back at the disturbing images. It was a man. A long set of diagonal cuts ran from each shoulder to sternum and connected with a vertical slice down to the groin. _This is the first part…_ he though. _He must have been dead for a while; seems like there would be more blood…_ His stomach turned a little, but he still felt compelled to turn the page.

Komui gagged. The second page revealed how the flesh was pulled back into long flaps revealing the internal organs. He leaned in close to look. He examined the membrane that covered the ribs and viscera. The next photo showed it removed; the intestines and muscles were clearly exposed. Absently, Komui unfastened the buttons on the side of his tunic and slid his hand inside. He counted his ribs as he counted those of the corpse.

His mind worked furiously to make connections as he identified the parts of his body with those exposed on the pages before him. _This is what we all look like inside… that's how you learn! Take apart… see how it works. If you can learn how it works… then you can fix it if it breaks! _

The sheer possibility of it all was staggering. "The pictures aren't enough…" he mused softly. "I need to learn to read them…" Komui rummaged around for the translation book; it was heavy. _This is going to take a lot of time…_ he sighed and opened the book. Luckily Komui was a devoted student.


	2. Chapter 2

sorry for the massive delay on all my stories. that pesky real life keeps preventing me from updating on a regular basis. never fear, i have not forgotten or abondoned any of my in progress stories. i hope you all enjoy this chapter.

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_Radius, ulna, carpals, metacarpals… scapula… lever, pulley, wedge, interlocking gears… oh damn it, those are mechanics…_ Komui sighed and tried to run over the names of the bones again; foreign words, foreign meanings. He wondered how late it was; the candle he had burning at the table was nearly burnt out.

He was barely sleeping since that trip to the market. His parents were so pleased to see him studying so hard; he felt terribly guilty about lying about the subject matter. Komui went back to one of his notebooks and began translating another chapter on anatomy. There were so many words in the books he couldn't find an equivalent description of in his own tongue. He did his best to steady his hand to write the English characters he couldn't define. Hopefully he could find someone who could read it and help explain its meanings.

It was quickly becoming an obsession. He had to know; he had to learn everything. With a yawn he stretched and opened another of his notebooks. He needed to do something with a little less thought to ease his tired mind. Dipping his pen in his inkwell, Komui started to work on an illustration of the human skeletal system. He carefully copied each bone from the English textbook and labeled them. He wasn't the best artist but he believed that with enough practice he could learn that too. He labeled each bone in English and translated it phonetically into Chinese underneath.

A breeze filtered through the curtains and made his candle flutter. Komui sighed; he would take that as a sign as time to set aside his studies for the night and retire. He would continue his drawing in the morning and, if he was feeling ambitious, start on copying the illustration of the muscular system from the next page. He was planning on copying and translating every science book he could acquire.

He slid his books under a loose board in the floor and crawled under the blankets. There was probably a few more hours before daylight; he would try to get some sleep. Hopefully, Mother would forget to come wake him. Komui sighed; he needed to return to school. He could only stay away so long without his teachers writing home to Father. Of course he told them that he was going home to visit his sister, but he was sure they didn't expect him to take so long.

Komui considered leaving the school on a regular basis. More than once he had thought about running away completely. The closest he had ever come to actually doing it was packing his bags. Many nights, he would just lie awake and wonder what his life would be like if he left for school and just kept on walking. He was young; he wanted to travel.

Everything had changed after Lenalee was born. He suddenly felt less needed in his parents' eyes. At the same time he knew it was completely up to him, being the only son, to carry on his family name and honor. It was far too confusing; he wanted so much, but his hands were tied. Frowning, Komui sat up and went back to the loose board in his bedroom floor.

The books represented a world he couldn't be a part of; he knew he would have to accept it someday. Studying them was cruel, but he couldn't stop himself. It was so hard to keep quiet about it. He desperately wanted to share his discoveries with someone, to discuss his theories.

_I wonder if any of the boys at school would understand…_ Even telling such things to his schoolmates was dangerous. Anything that broke tradition was. _I feel so dirty… some of the pictures… this isn't right. I should just leave them here. _Even as the thought entered his head, he knew it was wrong. He could argue with himself for hours about it but the books were coming back to school with him.

Dawn found him back at the table with his anatomy books and enjoying the numbness found in the repetitive act of drawing. His tired mind had settled comfortably on the inevitable decision. He was going to take his books back to school with them and he was going to leave today. It felt good to have plans set.

It didn't take him to long to pack; Komui traveled light. He wrapped his precious books safely in his clothes. He met his parents in the main room where they had gathered to eat their morning meal.

"I'm going back to the school…" he explained, helping himself to bowl of rice. Lenalee burst into tears and he picked her up. "Don't worry little sister! I'll come back to see you soon… You're my favorite sister!" She sniffled into his shirt. His father beamed with pride and complimented his son on his studious nature. Komui felt an acute wave of guilt. If only his father knew what he was studying, he was sure he would not be so approving. Komui left quickly after finishing his rice.

It was a long walk to the ancient boarding school. Komui thought about the few boys he called friends there. During his first year he had been a bit of a loner. The other boys teased him for keeping his nose buried in a book at all hours of the day. His eyesight was too poor to play sports; he was too shy and self conscious to go chasing girls and so he kept to himself. He was a perfect target.

Everything changed during his second year. Komui smiled at the memory as his slippered feet crunched in the dirt along the path. A boy one year his junior arrived and took it upon himself to become Komui's best friend. Xiang Yin was a thoroughly odd boy, but he was kind. He was friendly and loyal and Komui treasured his friendship. After spending so long alone and bullied, he felt lucky to know at least one person who liked him for him. _I'm sure Xiang will appreciate my new books…_ He probably wouldn't understand them, but he would sit on Komui's bedding and smile nonetheless.

It was early evening when Komui arrived in the small city that held his school. If he kept walking he could hopefully reach the grounds before the official lights out. Komui glanced around his surroundings in the fading rays of the sun. The world was painted in hues of red and orange. He adjusted his shoulder bag and took a deep breath. His eyesight as even worse at night and the city was dangerous in the dark; he had heard many stories about innocent travelers being assaulted and robbed blind. With a quick prayer to the ancestors for protection, he took off walking at a brisk pace.

The city was a different place at night. Moonlight and shadow transformed the familiar surroundings into something surreal and nightmarish. Komui's heart moved from its home in his chest to lodge uncomfortably in his throat. _I'm too old to be scared like this. _He thought guiltily even as he broke into a light run as the school came into sight. It was a massive building, dark and forbidding. A large courtyard separated him from the safety of his dormitory.

He nearly crashed into the entrance. The gate to the main courtyard was locked. Komui tugged feebly at the metal bars before resting his forehead against their cold surface. _Stupid…_ he cursed himself. He had been too slow and now he faced a long night outside the shelter of his dormitory room. With a resigned sigh, he settled down on the ground and leaned against the gate. He would just have to wait until morning for the groundskeeper to let him in. Everyone was going to see him and he was sure he would receive a stern lecture from his professors. Even worse would be the reactions of the other boys.

_I'm always going to be a fool…_ he thought glumly. Tomorrow was going to be filled with tormenting jeers from the other boys and disappointment from his teachers. There wasn't even enough light to browse his books. Rummaging through his bag, he pulled free an extra robe and pulled it on. It smelled vaguely of the sweet incense Mother liked to burn; it made him slightly homesick. Komui hugged himself against the chilly air of the night and hated his perceived weaknesses.

Sleep was just starting to take him when a tug on his queue startled him. He lurched wildly away from the bars with a panicked yelp. A familiar laugh echoed from behind him. Xiang Yin was smirking as he yanked again playfully on Komui's hair.

"What are you doing out here?!" Komui hissed and tried to free his hair.

"Looking for you, you idiot…"

"Really?" Komui was touched. If anyone cared that he could be trapped on the wrong side of the gate, it would Xiang.

"No…" the other boy drawled. "I come out here every night just for the fun of it…"

Komui smiled despite himself. Xiang was always joking with him. "Unlock the gate… its cold out here."

"Can't…" Xiang twisted and threaded his thin body through the bars, something Komui could never do. "Don't have the key… not like_ I_ need it."

Komui groaned at him. "Some help you are."

"I try. Look what I brought…" Xiang pulled a bag through the bars and dug through it. "A blanket… and some pork buns." He pulled the mentioned items from the depths of his bag. "And of course me…" he settled the blankets around the both of them. Komui took one of the buns and tried to ignore the kiss Xiang set on his cheek and the way he curled himself around his body.

Xiang was always an odd boy. _He's just overly affectionate…_ Komui reflected, besides the extra warmth was pleasant enough. This was common behavior for Xiang and for the most part Komui paid it no mind.

During their first year as roommates they had shared many kisses. With Xiang's eager encouragement Komui let himself experiment. It was a boys' only school and though it was strictly prohibited, sometimes hormones prevailed and those sorts of things happened. Xiang was small, slender and delicate; in short, utterly feminine. His hair was long, much longer than Komui's own. He wore it loosely tied back, but Komui once loved to play with it and always pulled it free when the boy snuck into his bed.

He regretted such behavior now; it was embarrassing to think about. Never did he allow himself and Xiang to go too far. It made him uncomfortable when those slender hands moved under his clothes. Ultimately all the kisses had just been part of a phase and he outgrew it. Xiang didn't. He wasn't going to hold his behavior against him though.

Komui was brought out of his thoughts by another kiss and Xiang nuzzling his neck. "Stop…" he said gently but firmly. "Xiang… remember where you are. You can't keep doing those things." He felt the boy sigh against him.

"Let me stay here… just for now. I'll sneak back in before anyone sees me." he hugged Komui a little tighter. "Missed you… Dai and his stupid, ugly friends beat me up again…"

Komui sighed. So, _that_ was what this was about. Dai was a particularly foul tempered boy. Komui always tried to defend the smaller boy from his attacks. Not that he could do much with his own small stature. For the most part, he just interposed himself between them and took a thrashing in Xiang's place. The boy's very nature attracted trouble.

"How was your visit home?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Fine…" Komui chuckled and helped himself to a pork bun. "Lenalee is so cute. You would like her…"

Xiang shifted his head from its resting place on Komui's shoulder. "Cute huh?" He arched an eyebrow. "Have your parents chosen a husband for her yet?"

Komui choked on the pork bun he was munching on. "She's not that old yet!" The thought was unbearable, Lenalee being betrothed already. He hadn't even thought to ask while he was home.

"Well, your parents were engaged as children right? Mine were too." Xiang sighed a little. "The girl they arranged for me died when she was eight… fever, I think. Not that I'm too upset about it now, but… she was so sweet."

Komui answered with a thoughtful hum. His parents hadn't selected a bride for him yet. They weren't really concerned about him finding a wife. Lenalee was the one they needed to worry about. It was much harder to marry off a daughter.

Xiang laughed suddenly. "Komui, I've decided that I'll marry your sister." For the second time that night Komui nearly inhaled his food. His friend patted his back helpfully. "You said she was cute… and you know I'll treat her well." He settled his head back on Komui's shoulder. "I can stay with you then, move and make my house on your parents' land… I promise I'll be a good husband for her."

The boy's voice was soft and full of sincerity. It made Komui pause; he couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. It was always hard to tell with him. He wanted to protect his sister. Xiang would never hurt her; but would he love her like she deserved to be loved? He wanted to protect her feelings as well as her physical being; he was fairly sure he would die if she ever cried.

"Think about it… I won't press you. I'll write your parents… we'll have so much fun being brothers. I swear I'll love her like I do…"

"Stop." Komui cut him off. He knew what the boy wanted to say and he couldn't stand to hear it. He couldn't reciprocate those feelings; all he felt for Xiang was a brotherly affection. He wouldn't let him say it; it would make things awkward for them both. Some things, once said, can never be unsaid.

"I'll be good to her…" Xiang persisted. "Let me come with you next time you go home."

"Have you actually thought this through?!" Komui snapped, a littler harder than he intended to.

"Don't be mad at me." Xiang growled. "I have thought about it… my parents thought about it; your family is well known and highly respected. It would raise my own family's status." His voice dropped. "I… they've already sent out a proposal to your family. I wanted to ask you though. If you say no, then I'll refuse her." A little choked cry escaped Xiang's lips. "Eventually… they're going to see me kissing someone I'm not supposed to kiss and my Father will have me killed."

Komui swore silently to himself. He had no idea of the pressure Xiang was under. "I'm not mad." He lied. It wasn't Xiang that he was mad at but his parents.

"I'm sorry. I should have thought of a better way to tell you…" He pulled away from Komui's side and stood. "Keep the blanket…" He threaded his way back through the bars of the gate, leaving Komui alone with his thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much to all my reviewers. i'm so glad that xiang is so popular with everyone. sorry for the delay in updates. i hope you all enjoy and review. i'm trying to get back in the habit of answering them.

a brief WARNING: this chapter contains references to adult themes. nothing graphic, only implied. that being said, please enjoy!

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The week of Komui's return was filled with the expected reactions of his teachers and fellow students. His absence had made him a bigger target than usual. He tried to be invisible and after the first few days of loudly whispered comments and intentional bumping and tripping, he succeeded. Even Xiang left him alone at first. By the middle of the week though, he had worked his way back into Komui's bed. He didn't say anything about their discussion outside the gate, but the way he fumbled with a sleepy embrace showed how much he regretted bring it up.

"I'm not mad at you…" Komui said again as Xiang's light weight once more crawled onto his bed. Begrudgingly, Komui pulled back the covers and let him in. "I'm really not…" he let his arm settle over the other boy's shoulder. It was a familiar feeling, like sharing a bed with family to keep warm during the winter. Absently, he played with Xiang's long hair.

"It's my mother…" Xiang sighed. "Ambitious bitch… always trying to raise her status." He yawned and snuggled against Komui's side. "She's the one who sent me here… don't be mad at me…"

"I'm not. Didn't I just say that?"

"You're gonna be mad… Komui, can I tell you something terrible?" He punctuated his request with a quick kiss on his friend's jaw.

"Xiang, don't…"

"Fine…" he pouted. "So what are the 'treasures' you brought back and keep telling me about? I wanna see them…"

Komui smiled. He had kept his books hidden among his clothes; he was waiting for Xiang to finally burst with curiosity. "You'll have to get up and fetch a light… if you _really_ want to see what I brought." The other boy rolled out of the bed and stumbled around for the oil lamp and lighter. Komui pulled his hair back and went to the chest that held his belongings. Carefully he pulled book after book free.

"Books?" Xiang looked at him oddly. "That's the big secret? Books?"

"Not just any books…." Komui whispered with excitement. "These are _science_ books…"

"So? We use science books here; what makes those so special?"

"Look…" Komui opened one of his mechanical books and lovingly turned the pages till he found the image he was searching for. "This is _real _science…" The page was decorated with a diagram of the inner workings of a steam engine. "Machines, Xiang. See… people build these things! It's all based in math and the physical principles of the natural world."

Xiang settled next to him and peered at the image. "I'm not sure I get it…"

"Things can change… a person made this. Someone looked at the world around him and thought 'why not? I can make things better…' This is the future." He traced the picture with a finger. "This stuff right here… it's the future of the world."

The other boy leaned on his shoulder. "What's it written in? I can't read it."

"English. I can't really read it all yet either but I'm learning. I met an Englishman in the market near home. He was selling medicines and mechanical toys and he gave me all these books!"

"He just gave them to you? Are they all like that? I've never seen an Englishman up close… what do they look like? Are they really all hairy?" Xiang snickered.

"His eyes were blue, and very round; he had hair the color of straw, on his head and his face too. But that was about it. He was very nice to me and I bought a toy for Lenalee from him. It's amazing, a little furry monkey doll. It has these gears in it, you wind it up with a little key and it moves and crashes its tiny cymbals together. I wanted to take it apart and see just how it works… but that would have made Lenalee upset and I can't do that." Komui pulled out another book. "Here… this one is a medical book. It shows what we look like on the inside. Don't make that face!"

"Are you sure you should have that kind of book?" Xiang frowned with concern. "What if someone sees that? You could get in so much trouble… they could expel you for having it or something. Then I'd have to quit school and follow you to make sure you don't go off and do anything stupid."

"I won't get caught… I'm not letting these books out of the room." Komui raised an eyebrow at his friend. "And you're not going to tell anyone, right." Xiang laughed. "Anyways… see, they dissected this man to see how everything inside works. It's just like a machine; all the parts of the body work together and if you know how it all works then you can fix it when it breaks." He was so glad to finally be able to share his thoughts with someone.

Xiang made a thoughtful noise. "That is really gross. So what are you going to do with all this knowledge? You plan on changing the world?"

"I don't know… I want to learn all this. It feels important somehow." He sighed; it wasn't fair. "Of course I'm going to follow my father's wishes for me… but, this is what I want. I want to make things… machines to help people and the ability and knowledge to heal them when they're hurt, I want to help fix everything that needs fixing." He rubbed his eyes to prevent the frustrated tears that were forming from falling. "I can't have that, but I want it so bad…"

Xiang wrapped his arms around his waist. "I know how you feel…" He arched up and kissed Komui's neck. "I can't have what I want either." Komui started to protest, to argue. They couldn't have that kind of conversation. Xiang cut him off with a sour chuckle. "Unless I marry your sister…"

Komui laughed despite himself and playfully punched him. "Go to bed… your _own_ bed. We have classes tomorrow." Xiang slid over and went to his side of the room. Komui carefully set his books back in the chest with his clothing. Pulling the soft blankets up to his chin, he started his nightly mental recitation of important words. _Heart, lungs, stomach, liver, spleen, pancreas, appendix, large intestine, small intestine, gall bladder, diaphragm… wedge, pulley… no, wait…_

Komui had trouble concentrating in his morning classes. No matter how hard he tried to focus on the teacher's lecture, his mind kept drifting back to the machines in his books. He tuned out the droning voice of Master Feng and his boring astronomy lesson and decided he would eat his midday meal in his room so he could continue his attempts to translate his precious books.

"Lee!" the sharp voice of his instructor made him start and pulled him back to reality. "Since you're paying such rapt attention, perhaps you can tell me _what heavenly body I was just describing?!_"

"Mine…" Xiang leaned over and whispered in his ear. He had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud.

"Yin!" The adult had heard the boy's comment. With an overly dramatic rush of silk robes, their teacher crossed the room and pulled Xiang to his feet by the hair. "Hallway, now!" He bellowed and dragged the youth along behind him.

The other boys in the class sat in an awkward silence and listened as Master Feng punished Xiang for his smart mouth. Komui's face burned with shame; Xiang had drawn their teacher's attention away from him and his wandering thoughts. _If I had just listened in the first place… I'm so stupid._

It was five minutes before the sound of cane striking flesh stopped and Master Feng stormed back into the room. He started a new lecture on the importance of respect for one's elders as a sniffling Xiang slunk back to his seat. His face was red and his movements stiff.

_Sorry…_ Komui quickly scrawled on the edge of his paper. He slid it to the side where Xiang could see it. He received a ghost of a smile for his efforts; Xiang discreetly set his hand over Komui's and gave it a reassuring squeeze before using it to wipe away a stray dribble of blood from his lip.

Classes went unreasonably slow for the next couple of weeks. Komui fell into a comfortable rhythm in his studies. He worked hard to play the model student during the day, carefully paying attention to his teachers and their boring lessons. Each night he rushed through his assigned work so he could study his precious books.

Xiang still protested that he didn't understand Komui's interest in the foreign subjects, but he did whatever he could to help. The boy was very clever when it came to translating. "It's like a puzzle…" he explained to Komui one night. "You just have to follow the clues…" He was grateful to have his help.

It was like some wonderful game, with discovery and knowledge as the prize. They spent a blissful month playing before sitting their mid semester exams; things suddenly went sour as their scores were posted.

Xiang came in late that night from a meeting with his professors; he was visibly upset. "I've failed my classes…" he groaned. "All of them… I'm so stupid."

"Come on, you're not stupid." Komui dismissed him. Xiang was just being overdramatic and he was close to figuring out a pulley system to open and shut his window without getting up from bed.

"No, I'm stupid!" Xiang snapped loud enough to make Komui jump and threw his astrology book across the room. "I'm not smart enough to be here… everything is so wrong!" he crossed the room and dropped onto the bed next to Komui. "I hate it here…"

"Hey it can't be that bad…" Komui set his books aside and focused on his friend. "So, you failed an exam… it's not the end of the world." He said soothingly.

"It _is_ the end of the world… Komui, they're gonna send me home. I'm a total failure. I can't go home…"

"Don't worry… talk to your professors; I'm sure if you're sincere enough about it, they'll let you try again." Komui rubbed his back. "Don't give up… I'll help you study as much as you need. Just talk to them and show them how important it is for you to stay here…"

"Show them how important it is, huh?" his voice sounded dull, hopeless. "Fine." He stood and smoothed out the wrinkles in his tunic. "I'll show them how important it is…" Xiang darted to the door and Komui smiled as he left. It made him happy that his little speech was so encouraging. He always felt good about helping; he would be happy to set aside his own side studies for just a little bit and help Xiang get back on track.

Two long hours later Xiang returned. Komui didn't notice the way his hands shook. He sat beside him. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

"How did it go?" Komui asked. "Did they listen?"

"Yeah… I told them how I'd do anything to keep from being expelled." His voice wavered a bit and he moved closer. "I just have to do extra… work and stuff with Master Feng. I _hate_ him."

"That doesn't sound too bad…" Komui put his books away for the night. "Xiang… are you alright?" He looked a little pale, sick. _The stress of the day must be taking its toll on him, _he thought.

Xiang smiled up at him; it was a forced smile. It didn't reach his eyes. "I'm fine… just tired. So I can sleep here?"

"Sure… just for tonight."

One night turned into two, then three, then four. Every night Xiang would return from his extra work with Master Feng and crawl right in with Komui. He clung to him with the desperation of a drowning man; it was getting awkward. It was starting to get on his nerves. "This has got to stop." He mumbled. "Xiang go back to your own bed."

"Don't be mad…" the boy only mumbled. "Can I tell you something? Something important?"

"Can't it wait till morning?" Komui groaned; the boy obviously wasn't planning on moving. For a moment he just listened to the little unhappy sounds his best friend was making. _Is he crying? _It was making him feel guilty; something was obviously troubling him. _What kind of friend would I be if I didn't try to listen and help… _he reflected.

"Please, it's really been bothering me… I don't like lying; not to you…" He took Komui's silence as consent. "I hate having to spend time with Master Feng, just to stay here. I really hate it… I hate just being here and I'm only here because of you."

"What?" Komui pulled away to look at Xiang's dark eyes. "What do you mean… because of me? I don't understand." He couldn't figure out what the boy meant.

"When my mother found out that the Great Lee Family sent their only son to this stupid school… she sent me to meet you, to be your friend no matter what. I was supposed to find out all about your family and if you had a sister I was supposed to try and join our families."

Komui sat bold upright, taking most the blankets with him. "What?!" he stared at his best friend with disbelief. _He's just here to meet me?!_

Xiang closed his eyes tightly. "There's more… if you didn't have a sister." He took a deep breath. "If you didn't… or if I was refused, then… please don't hate me; I was supposed to… shit, I was supposed to let you have me. Like I was a girl or something useful… Then my parents would write yours and tell them how you forcefully shamed me and threaten to tell everyone unless they agreed to do as they said."

For a moment Komui could only stare at his only friend. _Only friend… whole reason I can stand to be here. Why? It was all a lie?! Every kiss… every smile, every joke, everything was faked. How could you do that?_ Komui was devastated. Never could he have imagined such a thing. The sense of utter betrayal made his face flush and a cold sweat dampen his brow; it was suffocating. _We're only friends because his parents ordered him to… _His chest hurt; he wanted to cry. _Am I really that horrible that no one can like me for me_?! Without another thought he pulled his legs up and viciously kicked Xiang out of his bed. He sent him sprawling to the cold stone floor.

Feeling overwhelmed and angry beyond reason, Komui kicked him hard… again… and again. When his foot started to ache he fell upon the other boy and used his hands. He wanted to hurt him, make Xiang feel as bad as he did. He put his hands on his slender neck; somewhere in the back of his mind Komui thought of his anatomy books and the delicate vessels that carried air to the chest and blood to the head. He tightened his grip and tried to pinch off those important vessels.

Xiang had barely made a sound. He winced, whimpered; but, he never closed his eyes. He watched Komui with a strange intensity. Even as the light started to abandon his eyes, he didn't look away. Instead he smiled, raised his hand and gently brushed Komui's cheek. His thumb softly traced his bottom lip.

The tenderness of the touch startled Komui out of his rage. The anger burning through him suddenly turned cold. He jumped backwards and hit his back against the wall as Xiang rolled onto his side, coughing and gasping for air. Komui's first reaction was to run to his side, but fear and horror at his actions held him immobile.

"Don't be mad, I deserve it. You don't have to kill me… I've pretty much already decided." the boy painfully sat up. "If you want me dead, I'll do it myself… no sense in staining your hands over me." he croaked. "I just wanted to tell you why I was doing it first… I didn't want you to worry. Go to sleep and I'll go kill myself for you. I'll be quiet about it and gone by morning…"

"Don't be stupid…" Komui said automatically; he was suddenly embarrassed, embarrassed and so very ashamed. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself… I think I've messed you up enough for the night." Xiang's face looked like raw meat; his nose was definitely broken. It was seeping blood down his face. _Oh, what have I done…?_

"I wanted to please my parents… at least at the beginning." Xiang's voice was rough and Komui wondered if he damaged any of the important fibers in that slender neck. "They were always so _disgusted_ by me… I wanted to show them I could do something right. I hate them… As soon as I met you, I knew I couldn't do it... I just couldn't. I instantly liked you; and you…" Xiang's dark eyes burned with a frightening intensity into his own. "You actually liked me back… you didn't care about the perversion that's infected me, how _sick_ I am. I wanted your friendship, _real_ friendship so badly it hurt." He coughed and tried to clear his throat. "Still hurts… I've already decided that I'm not going to do what my parent's want. I can't keep doing all this… I'm gonna die if I have to go see bastard Feng again."

"Xiang…" Komui said softly. He had the sinking sensation that more than lessons were happening behind the closed doors of Master Feng's office.

"Just… just tell me what you want me to do…"

Komui spoke without thinking. "I want you to wash your face… forgive me for hitting you. I want you to stay my friend, not because your parents want you to, but because you want to… Marry Lenalee, move in with me and be my brother in law… and," He paused, venom seeping into his voice. "Cut all ties to your family." They were the villains here, Xiang didn't want to do this; he was just as much as a victim of their ambition as Komui. It would be a cruel justice, if Xiang married Lenalee and then denied his family. Their plan will have worked and they would have no benefit from it.

In a heartbeat, Xiang closed the space between them, threw his arms around Komui's shoulders and kissed him full on the lips. Komui tasted blood. _Xiang's blood…_ He gently pulled away and smiled lamely. "Don't make me regret not killing you…" his mouth felt sticky and he desperately wanted to rinse it. "Let me help you to the bath, ok? You're a mess…"

"And whose fault is that?" Xiang grinned through ruined lips.

Komui pulled Xiang's arm over his shoulder and helped him up. The bath was thankfully empty at this late hour. He lit the lamps and filled one of the basins with warm water. Hot running water was one of the few modifications of modernization that the school had allowed in its vast history. He kept his back turned politely while Xiang undressed and slipped into the bath.

"Hey…" Xiang splashed him. "Wash my back?" he snickered and Komui threw a washcloth at him. He wondered at how things could go back to normal between them so easily; it was a testament to how deeply their bond ran.

When Xiang pulled himself out of the bath, Komui noticed the bruises. He didn't say a word but the other boy knew he saw them and understood what had been happening.

Later, when Komui pulled the blankets of his bed over them both he told his friend, "I'm going to go with you to your extra classes from now on… it's not fair that you have to go by yourself." He was confident that the presence of another, a witness in the room would prevent any further mistreatment of student by teacher.

"Thank you…" Xiang whispered and buried his face in Komui's shoulder. "I had to do… anything to keep from being expelled…"

Komui chuckled and played with the other boy's hair. "Not anymore. Don't worry about it. Besides I have to keep you in good health and out of trouble for my baby sister… hey, we have a holiday from classes coming up soon. You should come home with me and formally ask my parents."

"I can't wait…" Xiang sighed against him.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. i really appreciate hearing from you all.i hope you all enjoy this new chapter.

* * *

"I'm so nervous…" Xiang confessed as they approached the Lee family home. "I hope they'll like me… what if they say no?" He grabbed Komui's sleeve in terror. "What if they say yes?!"

"Relax… it will be fine." Komui wished he believed that himself. Nervous butterflies had taken up residence in his stomach and refused to leave. Tonight would be Xiang's formal request for Lenalee's tiny hand. Komui helped him practice what to say constantly throughout their journey home. He was almost positive that everything would go smoothly and by the end of the day he would have a new brother in law; still, he couldn't shake the nerves. "Remember just take it one step at a time; you're just meeting them today… relax, it's all informal until tonight. Then after they accept, all you have to do is wait until Lenalee comes of age and you'll have the wedding. I'm sure they'll like you, and you'll have plenty of time for Lenalee to get to know you."

"Do you think they'll like the presents I've brought? Think its enough?" he nervously tugged on his shoulder bag. "I worked really hard…"

"I know you did." Komui was proud of him. He worked for weeks to make a doll for his intended. As far as Komui was concerned, Xiang could make a profession of making dolls. Their room was filled with the lovely but discarded attempts he made while learning.

The finished doll was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. Xiang was truly an artist. He molded and carved the face, hands and feet in porcelain; he painted the details after it was fired. The result was a delicate model of a young woman; her white skin looked soft as real flesh. A gentle and mischievous smile played on her lips. Xiang used real hair he acquired from wig maker. He left it hanging loose, but it was long enough that it could be brushed and braided, even pulled up into a bun. Komui had laughed at him while he practiced styling it. The body of the doll was soft and Xiang stitched all her clothing by hand from scraps and remnants from the local dressmaker's shop. The result was a multicolor blossom of silks that, if life sized, would have been fit for the Empress.

"I think she'll love it." He assured him. "It's really beautiful. Have you thought about maybe making dolls for a living? You have a gift or something. If school doesn't work out…"

"Would your parents accept that?" Komui didn't answer.

"My family is well to do… I know your family is too. I think that would be enough. The gifts you brought are proof enough of that."

Xiang tugged again nervously on his shoulder bag. "I hope so…" he started laughing. "My parents are going to be so mad… all their stupid planning and I'll be denying them. I don't understand them. You'd think that they would be happy enough with all the money they inherited from Grandfather… but no, they want to been seen with all the right people and go to all the right parties…" he laughed harder. "Marry their child into the right important bloodline."

"I don't think they thought it through very well…" Komui said nodding his agreement. "Technically Lenalee would be marrying into your family; into obscurity… it would be different if it was the other way around."

"Right, if I were a proper girl…" Xiang flashed him a crooked smile. "Then they could say; 'why yes; the noble Lee family requested our dear child to marry their only son! We're so very honored!'" he squeaked in a mocking feminine tone. "Now they're just hoping for 'oh! The Lee family thinks _so highly_ of us that they asked if their only daughter could marry into our family!' ugg… I hate them."

Komui laughed hard as they turned down the path that led to his home. He felt Xiang's fingers lace around his own and squeeze tight. He ran over what he was going to say one last time before going inside.

Lenalee burst out the door before he could open it. "Big brother!" she howled with glee and charged him. She stopped dead when she noticed the stranger beside him. Instantly she fell silent and stared at the newcomer with wide eyes. She quickly grabbed Komui's pant leg and hid behind it.

"Lenalee… little sister, I want you to meet my friend Xiang." Komui knelt beside her and set his hands on her tiny shoulders. She glanced at him briefly before keeping her wide eyes locked on Xiang. "He's come all the way from my school just to meet the prettiest girl in all of China…"

"No…" Xiang joined him on the ground. Carefully he took Lenalee's dainty hands in his. "I'm here to meet the prettiest girl in the _world_." They were rewarded with a shy smile. "Your big brother has told me all about you… I hope we'll be best friends."

"You big brother's friend?" Lenalee asked shyly. Xiang nodded with a broad grin. "Then you my friend too!" She pulled away and ran into the house. "Mama!" She called. "Mama! Meet my new friend! I have a new friend!"

"She is dangerously cute…" Xiang shook his head as he stood. "Your parents have got to say yes, or I don't know what I'll do…"

"It'll be fine." Komui held the door open for his friend and show him inside. "Come set your bags in my room… then I'll introduce you to my parents…" _Oh I hope this goes well…_

Komui was greatly relieved to find his Father had already received the letters of intension from both Xiang personally and from his parents. "Father, Mother, this is my friend Xiang Yin; we have classes together."

"I know why you're here young man." The master of the house almost smiled. "I look forward to hearing your proposal. But first…" he beckoned Xiang close. "Man to man, what made you interested in my daughter? We have not prepared any dowry… nor is there any particular gain for us to be had by marrying her off into your family. So why her?"

"Truthfully sir, it is because of your honored son that I found such interest." Xiang spoke with a practiced ease. "He spoke highly of her beauty and sweet nature. A daughter of the Lee household deserves to wooed by someone who will hold her above all others; someone who seeks only her happiness and not a dowry or any other such payment for her hand. I am only interested in her… not in building any status for my own house. There is no dowry that can compare; her hand is alone is enough."

The answer seemed to please the old man. His slight smile looked odd on his stern face. He nodded and dismissed them. "Well then, I am looking forward to hearing your proper proposal before this evening's meal." Both boys bowed deeply and backed out of the room.

Komui grabbed his sleeve and pulled Xiang quickly to his room. "We have a couple of hours to get everything ready…"

"Do you think I did ok?" Xiang pulled the ribbon from his hair and started to untangle the thick tresses. "Help me dress for this…"

"It went fine… my Father is just like that." He went to Xiang's bag and started pulling out the boy's finery. "I'll get your clothes set; you go wash up." he gestured to the wash basin in the corner of his room. Xiang unbuttoned his tunic and pulled it over his head. He splashed his face and hair, grabbed a cloth and began scrubbing the rest of his exposed skin clean.

Komui didn't mind helping him dress. His best clothes were complicated mass of silk, sashes and buttons. Xiang sat in front of him on the bed and Komui brushed and plaited his long hair. "There we go…" he said as he secured the end with a ribbon.

"Thanks." Xiang breathed. He shifted and pushed Komui back onto the bed, pinning him there. "Don't know what I'd do without you…" he smiled that enigmatic smile of his. Slender hands took Komui's own guiding and encouraging them to explore the bare flesh of his back and sides. "I can't believe I'm actually here… in your house, your room." He peppered his face with little kisses before Komui managed to push him away. An awkward silence fell over the room.

"So… um, you need to finish getting dressed." Komui finally spoke.

"Right…" his face flushed. "Sorry about that. I think I'm just nervous about everything." Xiang started to reach for him but stopped. "You always help me relax…" he pulled on his clean undershirt.

The tunic he wore over his shirt and pants was an elegant shade of green, not the pure green worn by royalty, but a paler yellow tinted hue; it was embroidered with gold. Real gold, as Xiang was quick to point out. The thread formed intricate designs of plants and dragonflies. It was pleasant and somehow fit Xiang's personality.

"How do I look?" he asked nervously, tugging at the silk decorating his lithe frame.

"You look handsome…" Komui answered honestly with a smile. There was something painfully beautiful about the other boy; it made him slightly uncomfortable, so he tried to ignore it. Fooling around with Xiang had only been a phase; he was sure of that, but then why was he feeling so odd?

Luckily the hours before dusk rolled by quickly; it gave Komui precious little time to contemplate the confusing feelings in his chest. He pulled on his own formal clothes and soon he was respectfully sitting on the floor by his Father's chair to listen to Xiang's proposal.

"Master Lee… my Lady," Xiang addressed warmly. Only Komui could read the worry on his smooth face. He sympathized deeply; his parents and Lenalee sat in their most expensive clothes watching and judging his every move. "Honored Son, Treasured Daughter… I humbly come before you tonight to ask for the hand of Lenalee in marriage…" He swallowed hard, nearly stumbling on his words. Komui sent him an encouraging smile. "I have brought gifts, to show my sincerity and my appreciation to you for hearing my proposal."

"Komui watched his Father approve with a nod. "We will accept your gifts… please, bring them." He gestured the boy forward.

Xiang let a soft relieved laugh slip and pulled his gifts free from the travel bag at his feet. "My Lord, I bring you star charts of the North sky. They are up to date with the most newly discovered stars listed and their properties fully described. As the most respected and known astrologer, I hope you will find them useful." Xiang knelt on the floor and held up the rolled charts. He hurried back to his bag without turning his back to the family.

Lenalee crawled up onto her brother's lap. "What's he doing?" she whispered. "I'm bored." Komui wrapped his arms around her.

"Pay attention little Sister…" he soothed. "Xiang is doing this all for you." She blinked up at him with surprise. "He has to prove to Father and Mother that he will be good to you before you can be friends."

"Why?"

"Because, when you grow up to be a beautiful woman…" He brushed the loose hair from her eyes. "He wants to marry you."

"Like Mama and Papa are married?" she glanced at her parents and then fixed her wide eyed stare on Xiang.

"Yes… just like that… but not until you're much older." He held her tight. She was so precious to him. _Xiang will be good to her_, he reminded himself. Lenalee wormed free only to be scooped up by Mother and held on her lap.

"My Lady…" Xiang approached and knelt before her. "To you I bring a necklace of fine jade…" he presented a small carved box of dark wood.

Mother opened it and gasped. Carefully, as if afraid to break it, she lifted the heavy pendant. The cloudy green teardrop of stone was inscribed with blossoming lotus flowers. "Oh my… she breathed softly. "It's so beautiful…"

Xiang flashed a charming but humble smile. "Its beauty pales before yours my Lady." Komui couldn't stop smiling. Xiang told him how he hoped she would respond like that, just so he could use that line to answer. Mother blushed brightly.

"For Lenalee, Treasured Daughter…" Xiang returned once again to his bag and pulled free a bundle of silk containing the doll. "I bring this." He bowed again and held the doll up for her to take. Lenalee looked to her Mother for consent before taking it. Giggling she pulled the wrapping from the doll.

She was utterly speechless, tiny hand moving reverently over the doll's hair, face and clothes. "She's so… pretty…" She held to doll at arm's length to examine it as a whole. "Mama… look at her, isn't she perfect…" Mother reached out and touched the doll's hair, before Lenalee clutched the doll too her. She looked at Xiang's face. "This is really for me?"

"I made it just for you." He smiled back and Lenalee started crying with happiness.

Father patted her head fondly. "Your gifts are very well thought out. My daughter obviously loves hers… but what of my son? You have not brought anything for him." Komui nearly snapped his neck trying to look at his Father. They hadn't thought of that. Usually only the parents would receive gifts to win favor and, usually, it was the family of the husband who would receive a dowry. This was a strange case to begin with; Xiang just felt that an extra present for Lenalee would show his sincerity. They never thought Komui's parents would then expect a gift for their son as well.

"Ah…" Xiang glanced to Komui, who shifted uncomfortably on his pillow before fixing his gaze back on the master of the house. "Your Honored Son has already received my gift to him… I give him my eternal friendship and undying loyalty. Wherever Komui goes I will follow."

Father raised an eyebrow and stroked his thin beard. He smiled. "I see."

"I love it!" Lenalee squealed suddenly, making everyone jump at the outburst. "My doll is so pretty and I love it!" She slid from her mother's grasp; Komui tried to catch her arm, but she easily sidestepped it and tackled Xiang.

Xiang was sprawled on the floor, a giggling Lenalee sitting on his chest and pinning him down. He reached up and ruffled her hair, smiling dazedly. She swooped down and kissed his cheek like she often did her brother's and wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. "Love, love, love, love, love!" she sang happily.

When she kissed him again, Komui felt a distinct pang of jealously that disturbed him deeply. His most precious sister was lavishing kisses and affection on his best friend. _His_ sister… _his_ friend; the two most important people in his world and they were happy with out him. He clenched his hands into fists at his sides. He was jealous; even worse he couldn't determine just who it was making him feel that way. He didn't know if he wanted to be the one his sister was kissing, or the one who was kissing Xiang. Both ideas twisted his stomach so tightly, he wondered if he would die.

He ignored the discussion Mother and Father were having beside him, too trapped in his own mind to pay attention, until they spoke to Xiang. Mother addressed him sweetly, "How many pairs of wedding slippers will your family be requiring?" As she grows up and nears her wedding day, Lenalee would sew the slippers for her bridegroom and his family. Komui blinked rapidly to clear the dust from his mind. They were saying yes! Relief flooded through him; it had actually worked.

"Just a pair for myself." Xiang answered quickly; he wasn't going to involve his family. "Just for the sake of tradition… I need no dowry."

"Agreed." Father nodded with approval. "Welcome to my House, Son in Law."

Xiang laughed brightly, sat up and forgetting all protocol, hugged his betrothed tightly. "Little Wife…" he cooed to her. "I'll be so good to you!" He crooked a finger towards Komui and beckoned him over. "Brother in Law! We'll all be so happy…" Quickly, he joined them on the floor, wrapping his arms around the both of them and forcing the lingering jealously out of his heart.

It was going to return later. For the evening meal, Lenalee sat between Mother and Xiang, leaving Komui feeling very neglected as they took turns feeding the little girl.

It was decided that Xiang would sleep in Komui's room for the duration of his visit. That night as they retired, the horrible jealously that had been festering inside him for the better part of the evening finally boiled up to the surface.

As soon as the door shut, Komui slammed his dear friend up against it and kissed him. It was a brutal kiss, cruel and utterly possessive. It was the first time Komui ever initiated any kiss with Xiang. He knew he was hurting him and still he persisted. The other boy fought; he struggled and finally started to cry. Komui loosened his grip and let Xiang free his thin wrists and slump down to the floor, hands covering his face.

Horrified by his actions Komui stalked off to the other side of his room, too afraid to face his friend. He could hear Xiang crying weakly behind him. _What is wrong with me?!_

"What is _wrong_ with you?!" Xiang hissed, his body shaking like a leaf in a gale.

"I don't know!" Komui snapped back. "I just… I don't know!" he paced with irritation and threw his hands up. "I don't know… just seeing you like that, with her. I don't understand why but it felt so… I don't know!" Komui hated being this confused. He liked to be in control of everything. Emotions escaped that sense of control, defied his notion of rational, scientific explanations for everything and made him so frustrated.

"You didn't like seeing her kiss me? Is that why you just went nuts and scared the living daylights out of me?!" Xiang approached him cautiously, like a wounded animal and Komui wanted to die on the spot. "You know…" a slender hand touched his shoulder and turned him around. "If you wanted to kiss me…" the hand traveled to the back of Koumi's neck and pulled him close; goose flesh prickled over his skin. "You don't have to be so… I wouldn't say no." Xiang paused; their lips nearly touching. It was up to Komui to close that gap; he couldn't do it. Instead he rested his head on Xiang's shoulder and shuddered.

"I'm so sorry…" he whispered into the soft silk of the other boy's clothes.

"Don't scare me like that again… I wasn't expecting it, too forceful. That hurt Komui; I cut my lip on my tooth. Come on…" Arms settled around him and Komui gratefully sank into the embrace. "Sit with me… tell me what's wrong. I know you better than you know yourself. I'll understand, so don't be afraid." He guided Komui onto his bed and held him.

"My sister was kissing you…"

"Well, what do you expect… we're engaged now; don't worry, it was only a few harmless kisses. Nothing and I mean that, _nothing_ will happen until she fully comes of age…" Xiang rubbed his back, carefully easing away some of the tension.

Komui blushed at the thought. "It's not that… just, I'm not stupid, and I know what married couples do and…" How could he say it to him? Was there any way to explain what was bothering him so much? "I can't…" he admitted lamely.

Xiang made a thoughtful noise. "How about I guess what's bothering you? You can tell me if I guess right or wrong and then you don't have to say it out loud." He leaned back against the wall and guided Komui to lie in his lap. "You really didn't want this to work; you expected your parents to say no?"

"No…"

"Alright, then you want Lenalee and I to wed… but not ever act as husband and wife?"

"It's not that…"

"So, that's fine… you don't think I should show her any affection now?"

Komui felt his face heat; Xiang could read him like a book. "I think that's part of it…"

"You're her big brother and you want her to keep worshiping you like one?" He cracked open an eye to see that Xiang was smiling down at him. "Until today you were the only man in her life that mattered. You're jealous that I'll steal away all her love for you."

"Yes." He admitted. _How am I going to tell him more… shit._ "It's more than that… please don't think I'm sick."

"Hey, remember who you're talking to. I'm as sick as they get." Xiang's laugh helped him relax. "If anyone's going to understand you, it will be me."

Komui took a deep steadying breath. "I want to be the one she's kissing… and not like a brother." He swallowed hard; it was so difficult to say it out loud. "But I also want to be the only one kissing you."

There were no disapproving comments from Xiang and for that he was grateful. "Hmm… that is difficult. She's your sister… you can't have her, not like that and you know it." He moved and laid down, pulling Komui down atop him. "However," he smiled. "I'm just a brother in law… you can have me anytime you like."

"No…" Komui tried to move but the thin arms around his waist held tight. A cool hand found its way under his clothes and snaked over his back, making his breath catch. Impossibly soft lips found his own. His body felt strange; it scared him. This needed to stop and fast. "Xiang, no… this doesn't feel right… it's wrong…"

"Let's be wrong together then."

"I can't… Xiang." He pleaded even as he found himself returning every kiss and Xiang's legs wrapping around his waist and pulling him closer. When a hand strayed to a sensitive spot on his chest and pinched, Komui finally found the strength to pull away. "No, stop!"

Xiang looked at him, sad eyes set in a flushed face. "You're cruel." He gasped. "You can't tell me you feel nothing…"

"I'm so sorry." Komui knew this was his fault. He had forced that horrible kiss on Xiang and then rejected him when he responded gently. He cared for him, but that much? Was it enough to ever let him continue, to let kissing and touch turn to more? The thought still made his insides twist.

They shared the only bed that night, neither one touching the other.


	5. Chapter 5

So sorry for the sudden delay in updates. I've moved to the middle of nowhere and I don't speak much of the local language. It's taken me over a month to get internet access. So the first thing I do is prepare a triple update for you all. This chapter is the start of Komui's world crumbling around him. The next two chapters will have warnings attached.

* * *

Komui had been back at school for the better part of a month when Xiang's parents wrote asking for their son to return home.

The boys' relationship had become strained since Xiang's engagement to Lenalee. As always, it was Xiang who made the first move patch things up. He cornered Komui as he was eating lunch. "My family wants me to come home… for good." He sighed, sitting down beside Komui.

Komui hummed and took another bite of his rice. He still felt foolish from his actions back home.

"I'm gonna try to convince them to let me come back. I don't know how long its gonna take." He shifted his own rice around in its bowl, not eating, just playing with it. "I think they're really mad at me… your parents wrote them to discuss the engagement. Remember how I kinda offered to pay for the wedding ceremony, to piss my parents off?" He paused and searched Komui's face. He was trying to ignore him. "Please Komui… my Brother, say something… I think they're gonna kill me."

Komui set his bowl down with a loud thunk. "Really now. Didn't you decide to cut all ties to them?" He said flatly. "They're not going to kill you…" that was so like Xiang to be overly dramatic. "If anything, you'll get a lecture and a light slap or two."

"You think so?" he sounded hopeful. "I think they're gonna be so mad that they'll have me killed. The letter even said that that's what they're gonna do if I don't go home…"

"They're not going to kill you…" Komui cracked a smile, happy to be talking again. "Even if they were going to try… well, you can't go dying on me. I won't have you making Lenalee a widow before she can be a proper bride."

Xiang smiled. "I'll do my best." He glanced around quickly to see if anyone was looking and gave Komui a peck on the cheek. Such a simple gesture, after weeks of no contact sent sparks flying down his spine. "I have to pack up… don't know how long I'll be gone… I'm leaving tomorrow morning."

"Go pack… I'll take extra notes during lessons while you're gone so you won't get too far behind."

"Thanks, my Brother." He tipped his bowl into Komui's and transferred over its contents. "Here. Have the rest of my lunch. See you later."

Komui was relieved to be talking to the other boy again. Things had been so awkward, but it seemed that the both of them were more than willing to forget the past few weeks in exchange for their usual closeness. That night Xiang crept back into Komui's bed and, after a quick reassuring kiss, slept in each other's arms. He was gone in the morning.

Komui was bored to tears in his classes, but he dutifully took extra notes. He figured he could help Xiang study when he returned. It would reflect poorly on him if he let his brother in law fail his classes.

Without the distraction of Xiang around all the time, Komui was able to devote more time to his own side studies. He ventured out into the city and was able to buy two more books from a traveling salesman. The man didn't even realize what he had and sold them for a very cheap price. One was a book was a catalogue of contagious diseases and had many wonderful and gruesome drawings; the other was a collection of photographs of human oddities and deformities.

He spent an entire evening drawing copies of the strange photos. They were utterly fascinating; there was a kind of beauty in the grotesque. He wondered if they were caused by some external force, like an injury or from something growing wrong internally. _Is there any way to repair these people? _He wondered, drumming his stick of charcoal against the corner of his paper. _If there is a way to make them look normal… why haven't they done it yet? Is it because of cost? Are they too poor to afford treatment? Is there no treatment? Has anyone even bothered to try?_

Using his dictionary to translate the notes for each image didn't provide any real answers. They did explain that most of the people had suffered their deformity from an early age and in many cases were getting progressively worse as they aged. The thought twisted his stomach. He couldn't imagine living his whole life trapped in one of those hideous bodies, having to hide from the public and depend on others for everything. _Their whole existence is a burden…_ he thought sadly. _Some of them can't possible move without help. Imagine the horror of their mothers at their birth…_ A wave of horror washed over him. _How many of these kinds of people didn't live past their birth? How many were left out to die or drowned?_ _Like monsters…_

He flipped through the pages furiously, ignoring the deformities and looking only at their faces. The faces were all the same, dull lifeless eyes. "They have no hope…" he whispered. "Not one of them…" he paused on a photo of a woman with a horn growing from the side of her head. Her hair was beautifully styled and her clothes were fine; she was obviously from a rich family. There was even a hair ornament set over the horn as if trying to make it as beautiful as its unlucky owner. Her eyes were downcast and full of shame.

The information at the bottom of the page described the horn as being made from the same material as fingernails and hair. If that was true, then why not just file it off. An idea blossomed in his mind and sent him scrambling for another sheet of blank paper and his anatomy book. Carefully he traced her image and lightly sketched in the shape of the skull underneath. He checked the anatomy book to find where all the important muscles and blood vessels were located in relation to the horn. There was nothing vital there. _If I cut through here… _He traced a line across the horn, close to the hair line. _Then I could just file down the rest until its small enough to be covered by her hair… if she wore it just so…_ He scribbled more lines onto the paper. _Then no one would notice! And if it kept growing, regular filing would keep it from getting too much bigger_.

Komui sat back and smiled, his heart pounding. _I can fix some of these. I just know I could. Just because someone hasn't done it yet, doesn't mean it can't be done._ Feeling almost giddy with a sense of purpose he turned to another page at random.

It showed a man with one normal leg and one shriveled beyond use. Komui took another sheet of paper and started tracing. There was a cane in the photo; he was going to improve on it. Why not build a new leg? He dove back into his pile of books and found one on simple machines. Going back and forth between it and his anatomy book, Komui designed a new leg. Using the bones and muscles as a template he worked out a mechanical version with pulleys in place of tendons, gears and levers in place of joints. He sketched out several different versions, unsure if any would even work, but his mind rejoicing at the exercise.

Komui didn't sleep at all that night. Even as the early rays of dawn crept through his window, he kept drawing. He felt like he was on to something, something major. He needed to tell someone. But he couldn't think of who in the school would understand. Seeing those pictures had filled him with a sense of purpose so strong he wasn't sure how to deal with it. One thing was certain. He could not follow his Father into astrology.

"I want to be a doctor." He said it out loud and firmly to his empty room. "I will be a scientist… I will fix people." Just saying it sent little shivers of excitement up his spine. This little rebellion against his family's tradition was exhilarating.

He nearly missed his first class that morning. He had to sneak in the back row and hide from the instructors view. He tried to pay attention, but the lack of sleep was rapidly catching up with him. More than once he caught himself nodding off. His eyelids drooped dangerously and finally he drifted into slumber. Precariously balanced in his seat he tipped and fell. His nose collided with the back of the chair in front of him on the way to the ground and exploded in a fount of blood. Stunned and surrounded by laughing classmates he was hurried off to see the school physician.

The man gave him a cloth and told him to pinch his nose till the blood stopped coming. Luckily it wasn't broken. The man started a lecture on the importance of getting a good night's sleep when Komui interrupted him. "Can I trust you?" he blurted out, his voice sounding annoyingly nasal. The man was a doctor; it had taken him a moment to realize. _I'm such an idiot… I should have thought of this sooner._

The physician blinked in surprise. "Of course you can…" he looked like he was steeling himself for a tale of adolescent stupidity and sexual misadventure. "What's wrong?"

Komui sat up and tried to make himself look more mature. "I want to be a doctor." The man's white eyebrows raised; he hadn't expected that. "Are any of the instructors here willing to take on a medical student? Doctor…?"

"Doctor Chin…" He sat down and looked at Komui funny. "This isn't really a school for medicine… why do you suddenly want to study it?"

"I want to because…" he took a deep breath; surely a doctor would understand. "Because I want to help people… I have ideas."

Chin laughed and Komui felt his face turn red. The man was making fun of him. He regretted saying anything. "Where are you getting these ideas, boy? This isn't a medical school…"

"I asked if I could trust you…" he stood, wanting to run out of the room but pride forced him to walk.

"No… no…" the old doctor chuckled. "I didn't mean anything by it. You just caught me by surprise. Your teachers praise you highly. You have excellent talent in mathematics and the natural sciences. Where did you find interest in medicine?"

"European science books. I've had them for awhile now and I've been studying them. I think I can help people."

"You have western books?" His voice dropped. "Bring them. I want to see." Komui smiled. "Right now! Bring me those books… and don't get caught with them."

Komui raced to his room and gathered his books. He took his sketches for good measure. The lingering pain in his nose was quickly forgotten in his excitement in having someone of like mind to discuss his ideas with.

The doctor poured over each book with the same kind of intensity as Komui. When he finished he looked at the student. "Tell me your ideas." Beaming, Komui did. He explained every thought, every notion and every idea he had concerning the subject at hand. He showed his drawings and explained the mechanics of his designs. Chin nodded with approval and said something Komui had been dying to hear from an expert. "I think your theories are sound." Komui laughed happily. "I can't recommend any of the instructors to teach you more about medicine… but I need help cleaning around here and if just happen to talk about my profession… you're a bright boy, you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes sir!"

"As for your books, keep studying… and keep them out of sight."

Komui visited every night to help clean. It soon became routine. Doctor Chin would prepare tea while Komui picked up any papers that had strayed around the room and fulfill his cleaning obligations; then, they would drink and discuss. Chin was fond of giving him assignments to think about for the next visit. Sometimes they discussed the ethics of medicine. Komui had trouble with the subject. He found it very gray.

There had been no word from Xiang in weeks. Komui realized with a pang of guilt that he had barely thought of his friend since he began studying with the doctor. He stared at the growing pile of notes on his roommate's bed with dismay and wondered what could be taking him so long.


	6. Chapter 6

part 2 of a three part update.

WARNING: Horrible things have happened to Xiang. As always I'm not graphic about it, but it is a disturbing subject.

* * *

Xiang reappeared late one evening, sometime during Komui's regular chat with Doctor Chin. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he closed the door and noticed the boy perched on his bed. "Xiang!" He grinned. "You're back! Finally… I was getting worried…" he trailed off as he got a good look at his friend.

Xiang looked like death warmed over. Dark cloudy eyes stared straight ahead. He was far paler than normal. Komui rushed to his side. Carefully he felt his forehead; it was hot but the flesh itself was clammy. He didn't even bother asking before starting an impromptu examination. It didn't seem to matter; Xiang didn't seem to notice he was there. He gently pulled down his eyelid; it was a sickly pink, not bright red like it should have been. Xiang was either anemic or had lost a good amount of blood. He pinched the skin on the back of his pale hand. It stuck; he was dehydrated. He pressed two fingers to the primary vein on his neck. The boy's heartbeat was fluttering wildly.

"Xiang you're sick…" he said softly. "You need to drink. I'll get some water and then you tell me what happened…"

"No water." He mumbled. "Burns…" He smiled weakly. "I walked here…"

"Did you walk here sick?" he was appalled. "Your parents let you walk back on your own like this?" Komui was already filling a glass from the pitcher; he didn't care what Xiang wanted, he was going to drink. He pushed the cup into his hands. "Drink." He ordered gently.

"Nooo…" he moaned and tried to push it back. "Burns too much…"

"It's cold. It can't burn you… come on its just water."

"Burns to…" Xiang insisted. "Komui… we need to talk…"

"I'm not talking to you till you drink. I will force you to drink it if I have to." He pressed the glass to Xiang's closed lips and a hand to the back of his head to keep him from moving away. "You're making this a lot harder than it needs to be. Drink now and I promise it won't burn you. Then we can talk…" he knew it was useless to bargain with the delirious, but seemed to work. Xiang took the cup and chugged back the cool water. Komui filled it again; glad to see that despite his protests he was thirsty. After three cups, he let him stop. "Just sip slowly, alright?"

"I can't stay here…" Xiang babbled, half spilling the glass of water. "I can't go home… 'the Yin family has no son!' so, I can't go back… they've disowned me." He pitched forward and Komui caught him; he didn't see where the glass landed or rolled. "Have to call off the engagement… I can't be a husband to Lenalee… have to call it off…"

"You're speaking nonsense… don't worry about Lenalee. Just worry about getting better."

"I'm not gonna get better!" he screamed. "Burned! Can't be her husband… call it off. 'The Yin family has no son!' I'm nothing!" he was near hysterical. He lurched from Komui's grip and then froze suddenly. "I'm bleeding again." He whispered.

Komui froze with him. _Bleeding…? Where? This isn't good. What should I do… what should I do?!_ Panic made his heart pound frantically against his ribs as if it was trying to escape. He took a deep breath, forcing the panic down and taking control of his emotions. _Be a doctor and help him…_

"Xiang…" he spoke with an authority that he didn't even know he possessed. "Look at me. I going to help you… but I need you to talk to me. Tell me what happened."

"My mother's a madwoman… and my father let her. He let her! My own father… he helped her do it!" He curled in on himself. "I can't be a husband! I'm nothing!"

A horrible notion was forming in Komui's mind, as he looked for meaning in his friend's ranting. _Nothing, can't be a husband… has no son… oh shit, let me be wrong._ "Xiang what did she do?"

Xiang glanced around the room, terrified, as if he expected to see other people there, ready to watch and judge him. With shaking hands he fumbled with his traveling coat. Komui clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from making a noise. The front of Xiang's pants and tunic were drenched in blood. "Wouldn't let me change… soon as I woke up they made me start walking…" he smiled madly. "I walked all the way here… it took ten days…"

"You've been walking like this… for ten days?" Komui was horrified but oddly impressed; there was ten days of blood dried on his clothes. He knew he was hurt and still he kept moving. "You're a very strong boy…"

"No I'm not." He mumbled half returning from his delirium. "Komui…" he whispered. "They _cut_ me."

The way he said 'cut' set off a cold chill in his veins. There was only one thing he could mean by it. "How bad?" Komui forced himself to ask.

"All gone… nothing left. _Nothing_, Komui."

"Let me see." Komui commanded gently, ignoring Xiang's plaintive howl at the request. "I need to see how bad it is. You probably have an infection. Let's go clean you up." He didn't wait for consent or for Xiang to even try and move. He scooped him up and carried him to the bath. He was incredibly light and easy to lift. Komui wondered if he was strong naturally or if fear was making him that way. "Wait here…" he set Xiang on the floor by the bath. "I'm going to get you some clean clothes and something to jam the door with… no interruptions."

He hurried back down the hall to his room. Xiang didn't bring any of his things back; he must not have planned on staying, so Komui pulled out a spare set of his own clothes. He grabbed a chair and hauled it back to the bath. Xiang hadn't moved. He wedged the chair against the door. It was late but he was struck with a sudden paranoia that someone would come in and see Xiang in the bad state he was in. Word would spread quickly through the school and then to the students' families. He needed to keep Xiang's condition secret here. Komui decided he would protect the smaller boy no matter what.

"Here we go…" he helped his friend to his unsteady feet. _I can do this… its just Xiang_. He reassured himself. "I'm going to help you… let's get out of these dirty clothes." Xiang made no move, so Komui undressed him. Removing his bloodied pants proved most difficult. Komui resisted the urge to look in detail at the mutilated body before him. Gore had clotted everywhere, making it impossible to see properly anyways. "Alright… I'm going to help you get in the water. Don't scrub anything; just soak."

The water almost instantly went pink as the dried blood released its hold on Xiang's skin. "Komui… I don't feel good…"

"I know… I know. Just relax for now. I'll find you something to dull the pain later. But for now I'm not leaving you by yourself." He changed the water when it seemed too dirty. He finally sat on the edge of the tub and let his legs, pants and all, into the water. Xiang leaned against him gratefully. "Here…" he pulled a clean washcloth from one of the closer shelves. "Lean forward a bit." He ran the cloth in soothing circles on his back. "It's going to be alright, Xiang. I promise it will. This doesn't change anything."

"Yes it does…" Xiang answered bitterly.

"No. You're still the same person…"

"No! I'm not _anything_, my bitch of a mother wanted a daughter so damn bad and decided to fix the child she did have… ahh… even made me bleed like a damn woman…" he started crying, deep silent sobs that shook his thin frame. "I want those monsters dead, the both of them! Mother for losing her mind and cutting me and Father for holding me down; he held me down! I want them both dead! Komui, I don't even know what I am now… they've made me a nothing…"

"You're still Xiang… I don't care about outsides, just the you inside." Komui reached into the water and wrapped his arms around his damp shoulders. He chose his next words carefully; saying them would change everything, but seeing Xiang in such pain was unbearable.

He acknowledged that the affection he felt for him ran a little deeper than it should have; so, he took all his unresolved feelings for his friend and hoped he was making the right decision. "Don't ever say you're nothing…" He swallowed hard, the words kept sticking; he used his hands instead.

Komui gently took Xiang's chin and turned his head; he put a loving kiss on the corner of his mouth. He tasted like sweat and sickness. "My Xiang…" he smiled at his stunned face. "Don't dare say you're nothing… not when you're my everything."

"What…?" his voice cracked slightly.

"My Xiang…" Komui stole another chaste kiss. "You heard me." Xiang lifted himself enough out of the water just enough to throw his arms around Komui's waist and bury his face against his stomach. Komui nearly laughed. Now that he finally said something, he felt strangely giddy. Part of him was certain that he'd just made a terrible mistake, but he pushed the thought back. He had only said what needed to be said right then to help Xiang. He would think about it later. Instead, he folded himself over his friend and held him. They stayed like that till the bath water turned cold.

Komui swaddled him in towels, not bothering with the change of clothes and bundled him back to their room. He helped him into his bed and sat on the floor beside him. "You know what I'm going to ask, right?" he asked, settling a hand on Xiang's knee. The other boy stared at him with a mixed look of fear and shame. "I'm not going to do anything… just look. I'll tell you everything before I do it."

"I don't think I want you to see me…" Xiang said softly. He was crying again.

"Do you hurt much? I can go get some medicine for you, if that would make things easier." Komui rubbed his thumb over his kneecap.

"Yes, please Komui. I'd like that it think…"

"Alright…" he stood and smiled down at his friend. "I'll be right back…" Calmly he walked to the door and broke into a dead run the second he was outside it. _What am I doing?! Calm down… must calm down… _He skidded to a stop by the physician's office. The man was already retired for the evening; the light was off. He needed to tell someone. He was fairly sure that what Xiang's mother did to her son was illegal somehow. He needed the doctor's opinion.

Without making a sound, he snuck inside and hunted down the medicine cabinet. He stole the little bottle of poppy extract. _If Xiang's fever isn't gone in a couple of days… then I'll tell the doctor, then he can come help_. Almost as an afterthought, he took some disinfectant and soothing balms.

Back in the room they shared, Xiang hadn't moved from where Komui had set him. He was shaking, pallid skin lit with fever. "Komui…" he whimpered. "I don't want you to see me…"

"I have to…" Komui measured out a dosage of the painkiller and gave it to his poor friend. "Drink that. You'll feel better." Xiang drank it down fast and smacked his lips at the taste. Komui dug through his books and looked up the appropriate diagrams. Hopefully he could tell which parts, if any, needed to be stitched and which were needed to be left open. He felt the sudden urge to vomit and was forced to swallow it back. He stared at his books without really seeing the images until the feeling passed.

"How are you feeling? Has the medicine helped at all?" The other boy mumbled something and sunk down on the bed. The towels that covered him worked loose and bared a long strip of pale skin. Komui swallowed hard and set his books on the floor before sitting as well. "Here…" He rested his hands on Xiang's knees. "I'm just looking… I'm not going to hurt you."

Xiang was right; there was nothing left. His mother had done a through job at butchering him. There were no major outward signs of infection, just angry red flesh. Putting something on it was probably a good idea just in case. Komui's own body ached in sympathy. "Komui…" came a weak voice. "Say something please… I'm scared."

"This doesn't change anything…" Komui repeated again. "Not one thing."

"I'm disgusting…" he snapped. "Just say it. I know you're thinking it." Komui blushed; Xiang was right. He was disgusted at the sight. It turned his stomach sour and made the horrible taste of bile settle in the back of his throat. "Just say it already!"

"No…" Komui said, turning his head and kissing the inside of Xiang's thigh. He yelped with surprise. "I'm not disgusted by you, only what was done to you… This isn't your fault." He took up another bottle borrowed from the physician's room. "I'm going to put something on you to help you heal… that means I have to touch you. Is that alright?"

"I guess so…" he sounded on the verge of tears again. "Just…it's so horrible!" he choked. "How can you stand to even look?!"

"You're not disgusting to me…" _Yes you are… but it's not your fault…_ he added silently. "You're still the same person inside. That's all I care about. Now…" he coated his fingertips in salve, enough so that if he was careful he wouldn't actually have to touch that horrible disfigured flesh. "Let me know if I hurt you…"

It did hurt him; how could it not? Even through the opium, Xiang nearly screamed. He clutched at the bed sheets as if his grip was the only thing keeping him from falling off. Komui moved as quickly and gently as he could. He didn't relish any part of this mess and wiped his hand clean on one of the towels. A giant shudder passed through him so suddenly that he had to stand and walk away lest it tear him apart.

Komui forced himself back to the bed and sat beside Xiang. He pulled the smaller boy into his lap and played with his long hair. It relaxed them both. "What am I supposed to do, Komui…? My engagement…" Xiang mumbled.

"It's still binding. You'll still marry her."

"But your parents… what will they think? What about children?"

"My parents will never know about this." Komui would keep this secret to his grave. "I'll be a doctor by then… a good and respected man. You'll come to me a year or so after the wedding, worried about Lenalee's inability to conceive a child. I'll go see her and pronounce her barren." It sounded logical; people would believe him.

"What if she really wants children… what if I want them too?" Xiang pressed on. "I kinda wanted that kind of life… just so I could prove myself better at it than my parents… what do I do then?"

"I don't know!" Komui blurted out louder than he intended. Another deep breath forced the irritation from his voice. "I don't know _yet_… we'll think of something if it ever comes down to it." He corrected. "Rest now… I'll watch over you, so just relax and get some sleep."

"Watch over me?"

"Of course."

"Good to know someone will…" with that Xiang fell in to the deep dreamless sleep of the exhausted.

Komui hummed softly and played with the other boy's hair. "Guess I'm going to be stuck with you…" he whispered to himself. "Not that I mind too much really. It will be alright. I'll take care of you, so you can take care of her…" he smiled and thought of their future. _What have I just committed myself to?_ "Everything will work out just fine…"

Next year would be the worst year of his young life.


	7. Chapter 7

part three of a three part update.

Warning: This chapter contains more disturbing elements, including suicide and some mild adult content. I'll say this now, Komui and Xiang will not take their relationship any further than they do in this chapter.

* * *

"Damn it! Xiang!" Komui bellowed. "Not this shit again!" _Not this again…_ He pulled at his hair with frustration. _Not this… I can't handle this…shit_.

At least this time Xiang tried to be clean about it. He put his arms over the wash basin before he opened them. Still there was blood everywhere. As usual, the boy fainted when he lost too much; he fell and bled on the floor. Komui grabbed both his thin wrists with one hand and lifted him upright. Xiang was breathing hard.

"Just let me go already…" Xiang slurred. "How many times are you gonna stitch me up…?"

"As many times as I have to. You know that." He examined the jagged cuts. There was no anger in his voice; he was just tired of this. "What did you use this time?" He mopped at the cuts with Xiang's bed sheet. "These are really deep." No matter how expert he had become with closing wounds, these were going to leave scars. Xiang wouldn't look at him. "Did you use the carving knife?" There was no answer, but there was blood on the offending object. "Damn it… and I bought those tools for you…"

Xiang had taken up sculpting, making more of those lovely dolls during and after his recovery. Komui happily bought him all the supplies he could want. The set of carving tools had been expensive, but they were top of the line. It was frustrating to know that he was using them to hurt himself.

"Hold still…" Komui pinched shut the first of the slash wounds and started stitching. He didn't bother cleaning it first; something told him Xiang would be picking each little thread out later. He was just going to have to do it again. Next time he would give them a good cleaning first, enough to make Xiang squirm and hurt.

"It's not that bad…" Xiang fought back lightly and feebly tried to push him away. "It already stopped bleeding…"

"Right," Komui smirked. "Right after you passed out on the floor. It stopped." He pushed the needle through a little harder than necessary making Xiang wince. "Sorry…"

"Kill me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you… idiot." He bit the thread and checked his handiwork. The stitches were perfect, neat little lines over a red streak. He was good at it. "Other arm…" Xiang frowned and held it out for him.

"I want to die…"

Komui stopped stitching and pulled him against his chest. "That's not true… you know its not." He hated hearing the boy say such things; especially when they both knew he really was telling the truth. _I can't stand this… I know you want to die; I want you to, too. But I can't just let you do it. _Komui almost wished he would be too late to save him one day, just so he wouldn't have to keep trying to put him back together. Taking care of him had turned into a full time occupation. His grades were slipping; he had cut short his visits with the school's physician. Worst of all, he was starting to resent Xiang for it.

So much had changed. Xiang was a different boy now, sullen and miserable. His energy and laughter had disappeared. Komui had another growth spurt, leaving Xiang level to his shoulder. Xiang wasn't growing anymore; the Xiang he knew had died. Now Komui was working hard to keep the idea of Xiang from fading.

Deep down he knew that it wasn't going to work. It had just been too much and Xiang couldn't handle it. Some part of him was broken. Still, Komui was going to keep trying to bring him back. "Want to go out tonight?" he asked as he finished up the last of the stitches.

He hardly left their dorm room anymore. In the beginning, Xiang attempted to go back to classes; he tried to go back to his normal life. It was a disaster. Everyone seemed to know something was wrong with him and he was bullied even more than usual. He couldn't bounce back from it like before. He just kept withdrawing further and further into himself. He stopped going out of the room altogether. Komui made excuses for him to the teachers. He stopped eating. Komui brought him food and made him eat. He stopped going to bathe; Komui ended up carrying and forcing him into the bath. He also had to keep a hold of him to keep him from trying to drown himself.

Water was the first thing Xiang tried to kill himself with. Komui had pulled him out by his long beautiful hair and thumped his back with enough force to bruise until all the water had been forced back out of his lungs. It was the closest he had come to succeeding in ending his life.

"We could go out tonight?" Komui found that taking him out into the city helped him find a smile. It let them be seen together in public. Xiang seemed to like that. "How's that sound? We'll get dressed nice and go out…"

"I guess."

"It will be good for you… get some fresh air."

"Why do you keep trying…?" Xiang stared at him with dead eyes. Komui wondered if he hated him.

"I have to…" Komui wrapped his arms around him. "I care about you." He absently ran his fingers over the other boy's stitches and made him shudder. "I love you so much..." _So much that… I hate you. Die... I don't have a choice. Try to die again… one more time, I won't save you. I really won't… I will always save you._

"Why?" he sighed. "I'm a nothing… is that why?" Komui couldn't answer. "That helps, doesn't it?" He slid away, hands folded neatly in his lap. "You can touch me; you can kiss me… all the stuff you couldn't bring yourself to do when I was still a boy… its fine now because I'm a nothing."

"That has nothing to do with it." Komui answered sharply. It had _everything_ to do with it. He did love the boy, long before this whole mess started. He loved his spirit, but couldn't handle it being contained in another male's body. Before he couldn't reconcile those feelings; now, they were much easier to accept.

Again and again he told Xiang that outsides and physical appearance meant nothing to him, but they did. Even now, when he could freely admit his affection, Xiang's poor body repulsed him and that cherished spirit had fled. Komui was stubborn though; he would keep lying and hope that if he did it long enough, they both could start to believe it.

"Yes it does." Xiang whispered. "I'm disgusting… I was then and I am now…"

Komui finally snapped and stormed to the other side of the room. "Enough of this shit." He hissed. He fumbled behind his clothes cabinet until he freed his full length mirror. It was cracked slightly; he avoided the sharp edges and leaned it up against the door. Xiang couldn't move fast enough to avoid his grasp, but he still struggled, striking out frantically as Komui half dragged him to the mirror. He held the smaller boy in front of it and with an iron grip on his chin, forced him to look. "I don't care what you look like…" Komui turned Xiang's face to the side and roughly kissed his dry lips. "I'll show you… I'll prove it to you. I want you to watch me… don't look away."

He nipped and kissed the pale column of Xiang's throat as his hands worked free the buttons of his shirt. He eased if off his shoulders with no problem and took his time to trace every stitch in his arms on the way down. The boy was shaking and dimly Komui realized that he had probably scared him. It wasn't enough to stop him; but he slowed down. _Prove that I love him, I have to love him… who else will? No one else, not like this. He'll come back to himself if I can do this for him… and then I really will love him. I hate him so much… I hate myself more…_ he swore silently and set about exploring and tasting every bit of exposed skin.

Komui loved Xiang's collar bone; he was so thin, it stood out sharply. He traced it with his tongue. Xiang made sad and desperate sounds. Lightly, he ran his fingertips over the soft ridges and valleys of his ribcage. Komui could name each bone. He moved to one side and slid down to his knees, keeping one arm looped around the boy's waist at all times. Xiang's heart skipped a beat when he kissed over it. Komui nuzzled against him and listened to the way his heart fluttered like a trapped bird. He was trapped too.

He glanced in the mirror, curiosity making him wonder what he looked like and to check if Xiang was watching. The other boy was trembling, eyes were shut tight; he was biting his hand to keep from making a sound. "Xiang… open you eyes." He ordered softly and pulled the hand away. Komui kissed the crook of his elbow where his stitches began and his wrist where they ended. He traced the marks from Xiang's teeth with his own and kissed each fingertip, pulling them into his mouth one by one. "Good boy… watch me."

"Komui…" Xiang whimpered. "Let me sit down with you. I'm dizzy…" he shivered. Komui glanced back at their reflection in the cracked mirror. Xiang's pale face was flushed, his eyes dark and half lidded. He kept worrying his bottom lip with his teeth; it bled lightly. It was enough to make Komui's own face heat; he wished it was from passion rather than from shame. "Let me sit with you… can I touch you too? Please, I want you to feel good too…"

"I've got you…no sitting. This is about you right now…just you, only you… don't worry about me." He tightened his grip and held him flush against his body. _Does he really feel anything? He looks like he feels something… I'm horrible._ Gently he pulled at the drawstring that held the boy's pants. Xiang's eyes snapped open with fear and he tried desperately to pull away, but Komui held tight. "Relax…" he soothed, rubbing soft circles on his stomach as he tugged the fabric down just enough to show the jutting bones of his hips. _I'm not going to go further. I don't want to see… and you need no reminder…_ "Look at me, Xiang…" Komui commanded with another kiss. A shaking hand settled on top of his head and tentatively clutched at his hair. Xiang hissed as Komui bit his hip. He abused the skin there until he left a mark before kissing again. He let his cheek settle against Xiang's hip and his free hand lightly run over his knee and inside his thigh. _Stop me… please tell me to stop. I don't want to do this. If I have to, I'll do this for you… I will if you make me… I hate you so much. So much that it must be love that's keeping me here. _

"Komui… stop…" Xiang gasped. His shaking knees gave and Komui was forced to catch him. "This isn't fair…!" he cried, looped his arms around Komui's neck and kissed him. It was full of desperation, need and painful _frustration_; he knocked him flat on his back. "Thank you for trying…to make me feel good…" his slender hands were shaking as he hurriedly worked the buttons on Komui's shirt. "And it does… I can still _feel_; and it's so good. But…" his pale face contorted with pain and his hands balled into fists. "But it's pointless! It doesn't go anywhere! It just builds and builds… and there's nowhere to go!" Xiang trembled for a moment, and then bent to catch Komui's mouth. "It's like climbing a mountain that doesn't end." Another desperate kiss; it was painful, "You go higher and _higher_ but you _can never get to the top_… and you just _know_ there's something _wonderful_ there… and you can never reach it." He whispered against Komui's lips. "Sorry… it's not fair to you either. Thank you for trying so hard. I know you don't hate me; you just hate what I've become. You wouldn't have gone so far if you didn't still love some part of me. It really did feel good." He traced his collarbone with soft kisses. "I love you… Let me return the favor, ok?"

Komui prayed that some sort of primal instinct or animalistic urge would take control of him as his best friend moved over him. He felt nothing but cool hands on his bare skin. Anything to make him forget the uneasy feeling in his stomach and the generally uncomfortable wrongness of their situation would have been welcome. If anything the boy's words made him feel guilty. He wasn't sure if there really was any part of him that he truly loved anymore. _Please stop… _he settled his hands on Xiang's shoulders and kept him from moving lower; it gave him some control. _If I have to, I will… if you need me to, I will… I don't want to do this, but I will if you make me_. He wished he could just leave his body now. He tried to will it to react to something, but he felt nothing…

Then Xiang did something that felt amazing and in sheer surprise Komui grabbed his arm and squeezed far too hard. The other boy yelped and rolled off him. Dazedly Komui looked at his bloodied fingertips. Xiang was cradling his right arm. "Sorry!" he quickly sat up and took his hand. "I broke your stitches right through. I'm sorry." Komui went to get his needles. "Let me fix it up again."

"Everything I do… ends with me getting stitches." Xiang said in a voice almost like his old self. It made Komui smile and, just for a bright moment, he had hope again. "Arm hurts from earlier… be gentle."

"You're the one who needs to be gentle with yourself." Komui knotted the thread and found a fresh place to start. "As much as I enjoy sewing…" He smiled. "You're not the best material to work with."

"I'm really hard to cut too…" he flushed and looked away. "I'm really screwed up huh? I can't even kill myself properly. I've seen your books enough to know the important parts. Just have to fall on a knife or put it to my throat and poof, no more me. But I just can't do it."

"It's because you don't really want to die. I'm glad for that." Komui tied off the thread, a quiet guilt settling in his stomach from lying. "I'd be lonely. And who else would marry my most important little sister?"

"Let's all live together someday." Xiang smiled while examining his stitches. "I've been thinking about this… I'm a nothing, so I don't think it would matter if I was married to you both; to Lenalee publicly and to you secretly. It almost makes me lucky… how many people can be both husband and wife." He stared at Komui with pleading eyes that begged for him to either agree or just let him kill himself. "And if we want children… maybe you could…"

"Stop now." Komui didn't want to hear him finish the thought. He had already come to the same conclusion long ago.

"I know it's weird, but think about it…" Xiang curled around him. "Royalty does it all the time."

"And look how messed up they are!"

"But that's after generations of doing it. Your parents aren't siblings, your grandparents aren't. I don't think anything weird would happen within one generation…"

"It's too wrong. I can't believe we're even talking about this!" Komui was somewhat relieved that Xiang had been the one to mention it. He had already thought it through. "Lenalee is too important… it would hurt her and she'd know it was wrong."

"How would she know it's wrong?" Xiang whispered, his soft lips brushing Komui's ear and making him start. "Children that young don't know right and wrong… someone has to tell them. We let her see us, encourage her kisses, help her get used to the idea, little by little, so that when she's old enough…" he traced a line of damp kisses to Komui's collarbone, before coming up to touch their foreheads together. "It will seem like the most natural thing in the world to her… and us."

"You scare me, Xiang." It was almost the same conclusion he had come to on the subject. It was logical, workable and there was no way he could fully go through with it. It was wrong on so many levels.

"You just have to adjust your way of thinking…" the other boy pressed. "You would have to get used to the idea of it too… no rush; we have years to go about it slowly."

"I'll think about it." Komui ended the conversation. He had no intention of thinking about it any more than he already had. Instead he flipped the conversation to something even more uncomfortable. "So can you really still feel… stuff?"

Somehow Xiang turned even whiter before blushing bright red. "Um… yeah." He stared fixedly at his feet. "It's… frustrating, more than anything else."

Komui made a thoughtful sound. "Is that why you stop me when we…?" _not that I want to continue or anything…_

"It's enjoyable… I mean I like it and all, but its not…" he sighed and pulled his hair over his shoulder and began braiding random segments. "There's nothing… no…" Xiang expertly hid behind his hair. "There's no… ending." He whispered. "It all builds to nothing…" he shielded his face behind his hair completely. "The best I can hope for… I think, is to be with someone who… I can please. That way I can at least be… involved." He reached over and punched Komui's shoulder. "Don't ever make me say embarrassing things like this again."

"I don't think it's as hopeless as you think…" Komui mumbled. "There's got to be a mental part to it. It can't be a completely physical thing. You feel it everywhere…" he pulled Xiang into a comforting hug. "It might just be a matter of retraining your mind… maybe you still have some nerves there that can feel or something. Have you, you know… checked?"

"I can't even stand to look at myself." Xiang admitted softly.

Komui couldn't blame him. He fought back a wave of repulsion and slid his hand to the edge of Xiang's pants. "Want me to check?" _See how far I'll go for you… say no, please say no… if I have to. Don't make me. I can't stand you._

"No." Xiang answered; he set his hand over Komui's and laced their fingers together. "I don't think I can handle that… not yet anyways."

"Come home with me this week." Komui suggested. "We can sort this stuff out. We'll have plenty of time…" _I don't want this. _"We'll make it work…" _I don't want to make it work. _"I want the real Xiang back…" his stomach clenched as he realized he said his thought out loud.

Xiang tensed against him as if he'd been struck. "Komui…" he sounded so fragile.

"Xiang…" he said quickly, hoping to undo the damage.

"I want him to come back too…"

"You understand right?" hope flared like a bright beacon in his chest. Komui turned his friend around to face him. "That this… this isn't the real you." His hands were cupping his pale face without thought. "The real Xiang is still here… you're still in there Xiang. We just have to find you. You understand me right?" _Please understand… then we can work together. We can bring you back and then I can love you for real._

"This isn't the real me… this is just what's left." He smiled sadly.

"No! You're still in there. We just have to find you and bring you out. Don't give up on me. This isn't the real you."

"I want the real me back…" Xiang whispered. "If you can find him in me, then bring him back. I'll do anything you ask."

"We'll figure it out." Komui said firmly. "We have a goal to work for. We'll make it work. Everything is going to get better, I promise it will."


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks my most precious readers for sticking with me for so long. Finally, here is the chapter where Komui loses everything. Its written a bit jumbled to reflect his state of mind. Everything will be explained in time. I hope you all enjoy. There are some mild references to adult subject matter, but nothing more than references.

* * *

Komui was elbow deep in gore. It slicked down the front of his brown coat, adding to the other myriad of stains. His sleeves were rolled up as he worked. He had moved the injured Finder to the table so he didn't have to strain his back bending down. "Damn it…" he mumbled. The man had been impaled. The Akuma had knocked him aside like a doll and he landed at just the right angle. It took an hour to remove the thin tree branch. It looked much worse than it was; it was more a stick than anything else. At least, that was how Komui was treating it. It had gone through neatly; puncture wounds always healed nicely. He wasn't worried, just a bit grumpy.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God…" The third Finder of his party was chanting in a terrified voice. He had helped carry the body, and then panic took him. There was blood everywhere. The man was useless with fear, hovering over Komui's shoulder and making a nuisance of himself.

"Shut up!" Komui finally snapped at him. He smacked him hard for emphasis, flinging blood from his fingertips. "You want him to die?!" he plunged his hand back into the wound. He found the artery that had torn. His talented fingers were keeping the man from bleeding out. "Get my bag already! If he dies, it's your fault for being so useless!" Komui was confident he would live if he could get him stitched up properly. He made a little frustrated sound and glanced to the Exorcist he had been assigned to; she offered no help, just stared as he worked. He didn't expect her to. He hated her; he hated them all.

Petrova was the reason the Black Order accepted him. He saved her life. She requested him personally as her Finder. She glared at him from where she leaned in the door frame. She was mad; she was almost as mad as Komui. They hated each other; they were lovers. He adored the insanity in her eyes; he was going to kill her, if she didn't kill him first.

Useless finally brought him his medical bag. Komui happily pulled out his bundle of tools. He laughed cheerfully and went to work, carefully cleaning and rebuilding the hole in the body before him. Only when he was working did he find peace, even then he sang and laughed to himself. His hands were steady and confident.

The Order had rejected him at first. They tried him as a Finder; he was reckless, quick to anger and unpredictable. They couldn't have someone so unstable. They told him he was a danger to himself and others. They told him he was mad. He didn't take no for an answer; he camped by the front door of the Asian Branch. He worked too hard to get there. It had taken months to find them; all he had to go on was a name in a foreign tongue, and given to him out of pity.

Komui had only been home for three wonderful weeks when his world shattered.

Everything had started out well. Away from the school, Xiang found his voice. He smiled more and Komui began to relax. It was possible to touch him and kiss him without the powerful sense of guilt weighing him down. They were free here. Lenalee was always close by and quick to steal his attention. Xiang doted on her to the point of making Komui jealous. Komui's universe shrunk to his best friend and his most precious little sister. Everything was about them.

Together with Father, they measured out a parcel of land where Xiang would build his future home. He would oversee a portion of the Lee Family's fields and live as a retainer to the main house. Planning out the future seemed to take him away from the hopelessness of the present.

Lenalee was a true treasure. Xiang called her 'Little Wife.' Together the boys practically kidnapped her from Mother's side. Everyday Komui sat and studied in the shade of the trees while she played with Xiang. And everyday she would cry for her big brother to save her from being tickled. Komui happily intervened and took her place. Xiang's tickling always led to kissing, which led to Lenalee pouting until she was allowed to shower them both with her innocent, childish kisses.

In the privacy of his room, Komui lavished Xiang with attention. He was certain that if he just kept trying, he could rebuild the boy's broken spirit. He was convinced they were making progress. It was a challenge and he reveled in it; even when it required stifling the other boy's cries with kisses. He found it harder to resent Xiang; not when they were so close to making him right again. Xiang had become oddly beautiful to him, not like a woman was beautiful. He was not womanly, but he was not a man either; Xiang was some new unearthly creature. His voice wasn't going to change; his body wasn't going to develop. He was trapped in between; he was a walking transition. Komui did everything he could to show him that was a fine thing to be.

Komui wasn't home when everything was destroyed. Father sent him into town to pick up extra herbs for his stomach. It was early in the day and he didn't feel like waking Xiang or carrying Lenalee, so he went alone. He was met by neighbors as he walked home.

"Komui!" they shouted. "A dragon has burned your house!"

He didn't believe in dragons, but fire was a very real threat. He dropped his purchases and ran the rest of the way. Already the acrid smell of smoke threaded its way through his nose and burned his lungs. No, no, no, no, no… please no!

His home was gone; a raging inferno had devoured it. Komui screamed, high and wordless. _Please be alive, Mother, Father… Lenalee please! Please let them have escaped! _

"Lenalee!" he cried. She had to be alright. She had to be. He would charge into the fire if he had to. Arms caught him and held him back. Someone was speaking to him, someone he didn't know. They spoke in rapid English. Komui stared at the person madly; he didn't understand a word. "My sister!" he yelled. "Please, I have to find Lenalee…"

Komui shuddered violently. The past was trying to intrude again. He couldn't think about it; not now. The man before him needed bandaging. He couldn't afford to lose focus now. The events of That Day kept trying to rush back to him. It always did when he let the fog in his mind clear. He started whistling; that helped.

Arms wrapped around him as he finished tying the last of the bandages. "I love watching you work…" a warm voice with a slight Russian accent whispered in his ear. Her hands slid downward and commanded he go upstairs with her.

"All you do is watch me work… you're a useless woman." He grinned and let the fog fill his mind fully. It was pleasant to let his thread bare sanity slip. He reached back and ran his bloody fingers through her blond hair. That would piss her off.

Petrova went rigid; he could feel the anger radiate off her in waves. Her fingers dug painfully into his skin. "Now, now… my dear Finder." She growled. "Remember why you're here…"

_To find my sister…_ he thought instantly. He couldn't say it out loud. Early on he learned that members of the Order were kept separate from their families. A strict rule of no contact. He changed the characters that made up his family name. He was Komui Li now, not Lee. He was also Komui the Mad.

"You're here because I asked for you… my word is all that keeps you here." Petrova cooed in his ear. Her voice was poison. She was cruel. All the Exorcists he had met were cruel. He had to find Lenalee before they warped her sweetness and turned her into something like the woman behind him. "Will he live?" she asked with an elegant wave of her hand to the unconscious man on the table. Komui nodded. "Good job… I'll report it back to the science branch." His heart leaped in his chest; her hand was there, poised to crush it. "I know how badly you want to be there…" she tightened her grip, her soft chest pressing against his back; he leaned against her. It was pointless to resist her. "Your talents are wasted out here. You belong there. We'll convince them… my room now." She ordered him.

Komui laughed as he left his patient and followed her upstairs, a grin plastered to his face. His coat gained new stains as he cleaned his hands on it. He didn't have much choice. This was his trial; he just had to endure. He could find Lenalee if he could just get in. His acceptance into the Order and specifically into the science department, where the most resorces were, depended on her recommendation. She had taken responsibility for him.

As always he was swept away by her passion. She didn't care who heard them; the whole village could. Her long nails left welts on his skin. His teeth marked hers. It wasn't love. It was a battle for control. Before they could sleep, she pulled him to the floor where they both knelt at the bedside; she said her evening prayers in Russian, knowing he couldn't understand. Her intensity was only matched by her piety. Komui watched from the corner of his eye the way her long limbs folded in prayer. He was reminded of a mantis; she would eat her mate as soon as she was satisfied and cannibalize her children for good measure.

Komui snuck out as soon as she drifted off. Looking at her sleeping peacefully was painful. He had to leave or he would smother her with a pillow. He crept to the safety of the bathroom and locked the door. The bath water was extra hot as he tried to scrub the unique and intoxicating smell of Petrova off his skin. His mind cleared in the steam. _What am I doing here…?_

He was always a little disorientated when the fog lifted. He couldn't hold those moments of lucidity for long. Memories resurfaced, tearing and torturing his fragile soul. They forced him to pull that sweet obscuring fog around his consciousness to protect it. The fog softened the edges, made the world he had been so violently dropped into bearable. It made him laugh. There was no way this could be healthy.

Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he held on. He needed to refocus before he let the fog back in. He was confused. _How did I get here? _He tried to bring back the events of the last twenty-four hours. There was a ring of bruises, like a dark necklace around his throat. Petrova had tried to strangle him. He touched the sore flesh gently. _When did that happen?_ When the memories of those beautiful hands holding him down started to surface he pushed them back. _Don't think about it… this isn't important. What am I doing here? _His reflection smiled back at him.

Komui looked like hell. His eyes were lined with dark circles; he didn't sleep. His short hair was mussed; he didn't brush it. He didn't care. He had become terribly thin; he didn't eat. His bones stood out sharply under his too tight skin. It made him laugh. He prodded at the puffy flesh under his eye. He looked terrible and it was hilarious.

"No!" he blurted out, gasping over his own laughter. He gripped the edge of the sink. "Remember… her!" He gasped as the protective fog rolled back suddenly and fully, leaving his mind with a painful crystal clarity. He shook in horror and his knees buckled. The sink held fast and kept him from the ground. "Everything is gone…" he whispered roughly.

The people who held him away from the smoldering rubble of his house were talking to him. Still he screamed for Lenalee. She had to be alright. He would die without her. Someone struck him and he quieted.

"Big Brother!" a voice caught and held him still. She was alive; relief washed through him. The arms that restrained him vanished and one of the strangers brought her to him. Her clothes were singed and her face was dirty, but she was alive. She wasn't hurt! Someone had rescued her and for that he was thankful. He dropped to the ground and held her. "Big Brother" she cried into his shoulder and broke his heart. "Mama… papa… mama!" little hands clutched at his shirt.

"Don't worry. Lenalee, I'm here. I'm still here." He held her like she would shatter. "I'm here… I'll keep you safe." He promised and swore for her comfort. He ignored the world around him. _I'll keep you safe… they're dead._ "I'm so happy you're alright… are you hurt?" _Everyone is gone… everything is gone… my family… gone._

"Mama… papa…"

Komui pet her hair and rocked her. "I know… I know." _Everything is burning… we're alone… just us now. I'll take care of you…_

"Big Brother… scared!" she said it softly. "Don't leave me alone…" she was in shock, shaking slightly in his arms.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll take care of you…" Komui would guard her with his life. "I promise I won't let you ever be alone." He didn't know how long the strangers let them sit there together. A strong breeze was blowing. The smoke from his ruined home gracefully stretched across the sky in long gray and black streamers.

The bathroom door rattled and with a sharp creak gave and bust inward. Petrova stood and stared at him like he was something distasteful. "Finder…" if she was capable of human emotions, she would have sounded worried. Her silky voice ate at Komui like acid; the smoky skies in his memory dissolved and he lost his grip on reality yet again. "My bed is cold… my scar. The scar you gave me aches…"

Komui slid to the floor. The inn's thin bath towel provided his only protection against the chill of the tile and the overpowering heat of the Exorcist. Water dripped from his hair and on to his bare shoulders; he wasn't sure if he had already bathed or if he was about to.

The woman was suddenly on the floor with him. "The scar you gave me…" she lifted the edge of her shirt, exposing pale flesh marked from too many battles. She was a mass of scars; she was beautiful. Komui recognized her garment as his shirt; she was wearing his shirt. He would smell like her tomorrow and it made him giggle. Petrova backhanded him for it. "Look at my scar… is it healed properly?"

Komui laughed harder and caught her hand; he pulled the shirt back down. "I don't have to look…" he was mildly insulted. "I _know_ it healed fine. _I_ made that cut." Somehow he moved and had both her wrists. He pushed her against the door and kissed her hard. "_I made that cut… of course it healed perfectly._" His mind may have slipped, but his abilities remained solid. He was confident in his skills. It was the only real thing he had left.

"Check it anyways." She hissed and tried to bite him. One of her long legs wrapped around him and forced him close. Petrova was much stronger than him. "Look at me Finder! You belong to me!" she kissed him and dragged her teeth over his bottom lip. Komui lurched away so violently he slammed his head into the sink behind him. He saw stars and laughed. She was going to kill him.

Komui lay tangled in the bed sheets. His head rested on Petrova's bare stomach; he had taken his shirt back when they fought on the bathroom floor and again on the bed. He kissed the scars he gave her. There was more than one. She didn't remember the others; Komui did. She wasn't conscious for those incisions. He sedated her. Each one was a point of pride for him, a testament to his skill. He saved her life. It was something he regretted every time he looked at her.

That day he was sitting on the steps of the Asian Branch office. It was cold. His feet were bare. Someone had taken pity on him and gave him something to eat. He took up as much space as he could on those stairs. He stretched out his long thin legs and lay there, forcing people to step over him to enter. He had no plans to leave.

Shouting from down the road drew his attention. Komui watched with lazy interest as a weary unit returned from battle. He could smell the blood on them. Two men carried a limp woman. Her side was drenched in gore; her head rolled limply from side to side. People rushed from the inside of the building to help haul her in and care for the other wounded. Komui was half kicked and pushed till he moved aside.

The woman's face was ashen. He could hear her breath rattle in her chest weakly as they carried her past. The people there were in an uproar, everyone rushing about like mad. They left the door wide open. Komui had laughed and walked right in, dragging his bag of possessions behind him. He went unnoticed in the commotion, just another face.

He sat by the woman on the floor. They were looking for their medical team. Komui ignored them. The woman was dying. It was perfect timing. He hummed to himself as his confident hands unbuttoned her shirt. He felt along the back of her neck. The bones there were solid and intact. Her lips were bluish. He traced her throat. It looked odd. Her windpipe was off center, pulling to one side. He smiled and dug through his bag for something sharp enough. His hand found a lovely slender carving knife. It was a present for someone important; but who, he couldn't remember. Komui spun it between his fingers for the strange sense of familiarity it held.

"Hey!" Komui ignored whoever had finally noticed him, just like he ignored the gush of hot blood over his hand as he sunk the tool home. People around him were suddenly paying attention and it peeved him. "What the Hell are you doing?!"

"Who is this guy?!"

"How did he get in?!"

"What are you doing?!"

Komui wished they would all just shut up. He tuned them out and gave his impromptu scalpel a gentle tug. There was a painful gurgling sound as air moved and her collapsed lung painfully refilled. The pressure relieved, the return of oxygen to her body brought with it a flush of color. She coughed and gasped and Komui made a little sympathetic sound and pressed on her incision to staunch the blood. Her blue eyes opened and glared at him. Everyone had hushed.

"One… two, no three. Three broken ribs…" he counted aloud in a singsong voice, happy to be recognized. He checked her eyes, now that they were open. Her pupils reacted normally to light; both were the same size. "No concussion." He announced. He turned his attention to the massive bruising on her side. She was cut in many places, but none seemed particularly life threatening. He frowned and prodded at her. One of her floating ribs had certainly left its place. The deep shade of the hue wasn't damage from the outside. His eyes went wide and the remaining haze of fog left his mind clear to think. He moved his hand and pressed gently and deep.

"BASTARD!" the woman screamed with a lurch. Her eyes widened almost comically and she vomited blood.

"Surgery now!" Komui shouted. "She's bleeding inside!" She stared at him with wide eyes. "Don't worry." He told her with a smile. "I'm not letting you die." _You damn Exorcists have too much to answer for… _

The medical team had arrived and with a string of obscenities the woman had berated them for their uselessness and insisted that the only person who even noticed she couldn't breathe in the first place be the one to help her now. Somehow in her poor state, she activated her Innocence and fired at her own people. Komui knew he loved her right then. It wasn't love. Only when they agreed to let Komui tend to her, did she settle and let them treat her.

Komui slapped her for being so difficult. She smiled at him through bloodied lips and called him a bastard even as they gave her the medicine to make her sleep. Komui enjoyed the chance to examine the inner workings of a living body. He probably kept her open for longer than he needed to. Her floating rib had shifted and somehow driven itself into her appendix. Useless organ. Komui removed it cleanly and set the rib back. It had scratched her intestines slightly. He cleaned it; it would heal fine. He kept his hands inside her too long. Just touching, memorizing; he didn't know when he would ever get this kind of chance again. When one of the annoying men with him made one snide comment too many, Komui put a scalpel through his hand.

He was back out on the front steps again after that. Days later, when the Exorcist Petrova woke, he was invited in on her request. He would work under her supervision, until he could be judged safe to join the science department.

Komui kissed the scar from her surgery again. His body felt warm and lethargic. _My hands were inside her, right here…_ he grinned at the thought. It was a powerful feeling. Her fingers dragged through his hair. It would have been soothing if it weren't so possessive.

"Who is Lenalee?" Petrova asked with a sudden yank on his hair. He hissed in pain. "You say that name in your sleep… who is it?"

"No one…" Komui lied and held back the urge to throw up.

"Who is Xiang?" she asked, venom seeping into her smooth voice. "You cry that name in my arms… who is that?"

"No one." Komui said firmly. He was certain of that answer. Xiang had never existed. The thing he found half buried in the rubble of his house was not Xiang. There was no one. Komui, in his stress and loneliness had invented the other boy. That thing wasn't Xiang; Xiang was only alive in his mind. He never really existed.

For a brief moment the pleasant fog melted away and Komui saw him. Pinned, trapped; he was begging for help. Xiang's long black hair splayed around his head like a fan. He begged for Komui to save him, to finish killing him. Komui could still taste his blood on his lips. His stomach rolled and he barely made it to the bathroom in time.

"He doesn't exist… he never existed… only her. Only my sister is real. He didn't exist… I didn't do that. I couldn't have done something like that… I couldn't ever. He didn't exist. He wasn't real… I would never, ever… ever, but he never existed…" he chanted like a prayer and forced the fog to come back and take away the pain. Just like That Day, Komui screamed until he laughed.

He laughed like screaming.


	9. Chapter 9

My deep thanks to my dear reviewers. like the last chapter, it jumps about a bit with Komui's poor broken mind. i hope you enjoy.

Warning: death and disturbing elements.

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Komui couldn't seem to stop retching. His throat was raw; it burned and made him gag again. His head felt thick. His nose ran horribly and his eyes watered constantly. The sounds of the battle being waged echoed off key in his ears. He was out of sight, a useless and sick mass behind a tree. Petrova screamed her battle song as she fought gracefully; he wanted to watch her. She was a Goddess of War, a Valkyrie with a gattling gun.

He loved to watch her lose control and destroy everything. Her eyes lit with a mad beauty in the heat of a fight. She laughed and danced with death. She courted it like it was a lover. After battles like this she enjoyed pinning Komui to the nearest tree and forcing his clothes away. Her eyes promised sex and violence, in whatever order she saw fit and regardless of whether he wanted it or not. He wondered if Lenalee's sweet wide eyes would look that way someday. _I won't let them do that her. I won't let them turn her into a monster like that thing_.

He couldn't see, he couldn't think. He smelled smoke. It was thick and noxious, but it didn't cover the other smell. The asphyxiating scent of death, of burned flesh, ruptured intestines and decomposition that cut through the sweet fog of his mind. It clung like tar in his nose and throat and his stomach tried again to empty itself. Everything that he had eaten was already gone and he was left crying from the pain of his insides' fruitless contractions.

He clawed at the tree bark, trying to force away the flood of memories. Komui hadn't been prepared for the sight or the overpowering smell when he reached him That Day.

_How is he still alive?!_ His mind had screamed at him. There was no way; but Xiang was still alive. He was moving; he was talking. He didn't know how badly he was hurt. He didn't know he was dead. He had smiled up at Komui.

"Is Lenalee alright?" he asked. "I was right behind her…but I didn't see." His hazy eyes looked around as best he could. "Is my Little Wife alright?"

Komui sat in the ash and rubble by his head. "She's fine…" he whispered. _How is he still alive?! _"I just saw her… she's scared and a little singed but she's unhurt."

"Komui? There was a fire… something hit the house and fire…so hot." Xiang's eyes lost focus briefly, but quickly returned. "Good… I'm so happy she's alright." He smiled with relief. Komui just stared at his face. He _really didn't know_ how badly he was hurt.

Komui knew. One of his sister's rescuers told him in broken and disjointed Mandarin. They told him he needed to go say goodbye. Komui had nodded and passed Lenalee to the one woman of the group. She smiled at him gently and hugged the little girl. Lenalee was too young and didn't need to see what was left of Xiang; the others would keep her safe until he got back. He trusted them…

Komui screamed and hit his head against the tree trunk. He needed the fog back! He was going to see it again. He ignored the pain and did it again, and again. A warm trickle of blood ran from his forehead. Hopefully unconsciousness would take him before it was too late and he relived the rest of That Day. He had trusted them!

There was nothing that could have prepared him for the sight. He had expected a body. They had made it sound like the other boy had already died. His entire being went numb. Xiang waved at him as he approached. He waved; he smiled. He thought Komui could save him. There was hope on his pale face and it made something delicate in Komui's chest crack.

Xiang was pinned; he was burned. The heavy timber that cleaved him in half must have been still burning when it landed on him. The beam that had killed him was the only thing keeping him alive. He was pinned in such a way that he didn't bleed. He was just pinched shut. Xiang was alive when he shouldn't be. It was horrific… half of his body was gone… and he didn't even _know_.

"Komui?" Xiang looked at him with a worried smile. He knew something was wrong; Komui was like an open book to his practiced eyes. "Help me move this." The fingers of his free arm moved along the wooden beam where it bisected him. "It's too heavy…" He gave a strained laugh. "I can't feel my legs."

Komui couldn't tell him his legs weren't connected anymore. He couldn't bear to look at them on the other side of the massive timber. They were little more than bone and charred meat. His mind raced; he had to do something. He played out every option he could come up with; each one had the same inevitable outcome. Even if he had arrived sooner, Xiang wasn't going to survive. _He doesn't know… he can't feel anything. He's dying… and I, I can't save him! _He realized with horror. Xiang didn't have long. He was still in shock now, but he would feel it soon. The blood trapped in him had no filter; it would turn foul quickly. It would poison him. It was going to hurt. He was going to be scared and in pain. _I can't save you! _

_I'll always save you…_

Komui stifled a cry as the only logical conclusion came to mind. He couldn't save him… but he could still _help_ him. He could make it quick; he could spare him the last bit of suffering. He couldn't breathe past the smell. He was going to be sick. Komui swallowed hard and lay down on the ground; it was still warm from the heat of the fire that had ruined everything_. I can't do this… I can't kill him. I'm not a murderer; I'm not._

"You're hurt." Komui whispered. _I can't do this!_ "Xiang, do you know how badly you're hurt?" Even asking felt cruel. He didn't want to make Xiang panic; he needed to spare him the fear, the pain. His heart wouldn't let him just help him. _I'm not… killing anyone. I'm going to help him. I have to help Xiang. _

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose this arm…" Xiang offered and gestured to where the timber cut across it right below his elbow. He took a deep breath. "It's not good is it?"

"I'm sorry." _I have to help my Xiang. I can't let him suffer… its mercy_. "My Xiang…" Komui brushed a strand of hair from his face. Xiang was beautiful; even now he was so beautiful. His eyes were wide, suddenly afraid. "I love you. You know that right?" he felt around on the ground for something to use. _I can do this… its mercy_. He rationalized weakly.

His fingers found the little bag Xiang used to carry his carving tools. Komui smiled sadly. His gift was important enough for him to carry it with him when he tried to escape the fire; it had just what they needed. Komui took Xiang's chin and kissed him softly as he worked open the bag. _I have to help him… I'm not like that. I can't let him suffer… I won't let you suffer anymore._

"Komui… what are you doing?" there was fear in his voice. The fragile thing in Komui's chest cracked further. He didn't want him to be afraid! _Don't be scared, Xiang. I'm only going to help… I won't let you hurt. I can't do this!_

"I'm going to help you… don't be afraid…" Komui traced his face with kisses, trying to memorize every bit of him. It struck him that this was the last chance to speak to him; the last chance to see him, kiss him, and show him how he felt. "I love you so much… I just wanted to let you know." He hugged him the best he could and rested his cheek against Xiang's. He couldn't suppress the little shudder of revulsion that ran through him as he rested the carving knife against Xiang's perfect throat.

"Is it so bad that this is my only option?" Xiang whispered.

Komui nodded; he didn't trust himself to speak. All he had to do was draw it across and to him and Xiang would be free. He wouldn't have to feel his body shut down. He wouldn't have the time to think about what was happening. It would just be over. Just one simple movement… and Komui couldn't do it. He sagged against Xiang.

The sudden weight on his broken body made him groan. "It hurts…!" he sobbed abruptly. "Komui! I don't want to die!"

"I'm so sorry…" were the only words that Komui could force out. He was crying now too, unable to hold back the stinging tears any longer. This was the last time he would ever hear Xiang talk to him, last time to touch him. He had become so used to his constant presence and now it hurt so badly he wanted to scream. He stared up at clearing sky and prayed that this wasn't real.

It wasn't.

The sounds of the fight were fading away. Petrova was laughing. She had won. Komui tried to move from his place against the tree, but found his legs too weak to function properly. His face was blank; his mind was trapped in That Day. "I couldn't do that… I could never do something like that. He didn't exist… he never existed, because I couldn't do that to someone…" he whispered monotonously. His forehead was still bleeding from where he had hit it against the rough bark. He pushed his fingernails into the wound to try and aggravate it further. "Please don't do this…"

"Please don't do this… Komui, don't do this. Please… I'm so scared…"

"You think I want this?!" Komui pulled away to look him in the eyes. "I don't want to lose you damn it!" he nearly screamed. "You don't think that if there was any way… any chance, no matter how small, that I wouldn't try it?! They way you're hurt…" the words caught in his throat and he forced himself to continue. "It will be slow and it will be painful." He kissed him again. "This is all I can do for you. I don't want to… but I can't watch you suffer! I've seen you suffer so much already… this time I can put an end to it."

"Please… Komui don't do this!" his voice was raw, begging. "You weren't going to give up on me remember?!" his eyes lost focus and he turned his head to spit the blood from his mouth. "It hurts…" he said with surprise. The shock was wearing off; he was suddenly aware of what was happening to him. The blood was dark, dead blood.

"It's only going to get worse. Xiang…" Komui used his sleeve to wipe his mouth and chin clean. The blood smelled and turned his stomach. "Let me help you…"

Xiang tried vainly to move away from him. "No…" he whispered. The look of terror on his face made Komui's very soul ache. "You keep asking to kill me!" he said shrilly. "You want me dead?! After all this… you're giving up. Komui, you're giving up on me! You want me to die?!"

"Of course I don't want you to die!" Komui half shouted, half cried.

"Then don't kill me!"

"Fine…" he snapped back. Why didn't Xiang understand? He just wanted to spare him a bit of pain. He didn't want him dead, not really. All the times he had wished such things on him out of anger or frustration crashed over him in guilty waves. It was love that made him willing to give Xiang mercy. "I'll stay with you though…"

Komui lay back down beside him, draping an arm carefully over him where it would create the least pressure. He nuzzled his neck and settled in to wait out the inevitable. _I'll be here when you're ready… I'll help you end it._

He worsened quickly. Every breath he pulled in seemed harder and hard to catch. He skin was becoming blotchy, bruising as his blood backed up. Xiang shifted and tried to move. He screamed as some part of him that was pinched closed under the timber released and flooded him. It washed away any lingering hope of a miracle and his voice cracked when he spoke. "Komui… help me."

"Ready?" Komui had no choice now. He would do what he needed to. Some part of him had been secretly hoping as well, but he knew better.

For a moment Xiang just started at him, studying his face looking for any hint of a lie. Almost imperceptibly he nodded his consent. "Keep my Little Wife safe…"

"I will." Komui promised. "She's promised to you… I'll never let another have her." Something like relief rushed through him. Xiang had given him permission to help him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he could calmly say, _it isn't murder if he asks for it… it's not murder if he wants it… _Dimly he was aware at how wrong it sounded. His logic was flawed and he knew it.

"I love you…" Xiang shut his eyes. "Watch over me…" Komui stole another desperate kiss and returned the carving knife to that pale begging throat. Xiang's free hand clutched his shirt. "Don't tell me when you do it…" He tilted his head back. "Just do it quickly…and kiss me again."

Komui kissed him with everything he had; pouring his heart and soul into the last moment they would share with each other. "I love you so much, Xiang Yin." He whispered one last time against that soft mouth.

Komui slit his throat.

He didn't break their last kiss. He muffled Xiang's soft cry of pain and surprise. He swallowed the spoilt blood that ran from his lips like it was wine. Xiang's life ebbed away slowly; the hand clutching his shirt gripped fiercely, full of strength as he tried to hold on. Only when that grip faltered, weakened and finally slid away, did Komui move.

He didn't look at what was left when he walked away. He needed his sister. She needed him. All they had now was each other. Komui felt disconnected, as if his head was only loosely tethered to his body. The fragile thing in his chest was held together by only the thinnest of threads.

Lenalee was that thread. Without her he would break down. He couldn't afford to let that happen. She was all that was left.

The strangers were where he left them. The woman held his sister on her lap, her head pressed comfortingly against her bosom, her ears covered. Komui was covered in Xiang's blood; what he had done was obvious. The woman nodded in understanding. She kept Lenalee turned away; she didn't need to see him like this.

"He sleeps?" she asked. Komui only nodded. If he opened his mouth he would scream. "Good. Say Goodbyes."

"What?" Komui was confused. Her Mandarin was terrible. He had already said goodbye to Xiang. His mind couldn't process what was happening next.

They were walking away. They were walking away with Lenalee.

"Wait!" he shouted. "Where are you going?!" he ran after them.

"Goodbyes…" the woman spoke again. Her expression was sad. She obviously wanted to explain but lacked the words. She started rapidly talking in English to the other two men. The man in black said something sharply and she meekly followed.

"No!" Komui grabbed at her coat. They were trying to take Lenalee. "NO!"

Lenalee was roused by the panic in his voice and started struggling, screaming for her brother. Komui would die if they took her. "Big Brother! Help!"

Komui had never been much in a fight, but sheer desperation made him move. It was only a brief struggle before he was knocked to the ground. Lenalee was screaming. _I can't save her… I can't save anyone…_ He growled, hauled himself back up and threw himself at his sister's captors. "You can't do this!"

He was stopped dead by the touch of cold metal on his forehead. The man in the black coat was obviously tired of his feeble attempts to stop them. He pressed the barrel of his pistol painfully hard against his skin. Komui stared into his cold eyes. He would shoot him; he knew it. He would shoot him and not even care. Komui didn't dare breath. He was going to die here.

"Goodbyes" the woman said insistently. She brought Lenalee close enough for him to reach. Without taking his eyes from the horrible man, Komui reached up to touch his sister's face. If he said a word, he would die. If he did anymore than this, then he would die in front of her. Those cold eyes would kill him in front of Lenalee; he couldn't let that happen. That one soft brief touch of her cheek was the only goodbye he was going to get.

The woman passed a slip of paper to him as he let his arm drop. He clutched it like a lifeline as they turned away and left him standing there. They were taking Lenalee. They were taking Lenalee. _They were taking Lenalee!_

"NO!" He shouted and stepped forward against all common sense. The man in black turned and without hesitation fired. Komui's world faded to black.

He was standing against the same tree. Petrova was kissing him, not caring if he was even conscious. She was the only thing keeping upright. She was unstoppable like this, too heated from battle. Komui could be dead and she probably wouldn't notice. He wished that he had died.

He wasn't dead, that in and of itself was amazing. Komui woke with a headache. The side of his face slicked with blood, a painful but shallow gash along the side of his head. The bullet had barely grazed him.

For a moment he was blissfully confused, the beginnings of a fog he would grow to treasure. It was nearly dusk. The day's events rushed him and he threw up. Everything was gone. Everything. Unsure of what to do, he crawled back towards the ruins of his home.

He found Xiang. He was a murderer; he cried weakly and sat with the body of his victim. Xiang's eyes were open, lips still parted from their last kiss. Komui wondered how bad it hurt. The wound in his neck gaped at him, like an obscene second mouth.

He touched the carving knife, still on the ground where he dropped it and touched it to his own throat. He had failed. He failed to save Xiang; he failed to save Lenalee. _This is only fair…_ he thought.

Again he failed. _I didn't even think of him till they said something… then I killed him. Then I lost Lenalee… _He fell back onto the ground and looked at Xiang. A fly crawled over one of those vacant eyes.

Komui shattered.

He screamed until he could only laugh and laughed till he screamed. He couldn't tell the difference anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry for the delay. Finally a chapter that doesn't have poor Komui wallowing and trapped in his madness or throwing up. Insanity really is hard to keep writing. It's a bit short but i hope you all enjoy.

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Komui choked on his breakfast. He was going to kill that woman. She ruined his morning and quite possible his life.

Petrova made a dismissive sound. "It's not yours…" she took a sip of her tea and glared at him over the rim of her cup. "As if I would let a worm like you… you make me laugh Finder." She never used his name; he was grateful for that. He didn't think he could stand the sound coming from her hateful mouth.

He quickly did the math in his head. He knew how many other men she had been with. She made a point of telling him, usually as they were in the middle of the act themselves. He frowned; he was going to be sick. He was almost certain it was his child she was carrying. This certainly would complicate things.

"Don't flatter yourself…" she hissed. "You couldn't if you tried…"

Komui grit his teeth and refused to rise to her baiting. "You and your kind should be purged from the earth…" he growled at her.

"Anyways…"she pointedly ignored him, finished her tea and threw the cup at him. "I'll be going to my family home to have the damn thing. The Order's orders… you are coming with me." She glared at him with those big blue hateful eyes. "My orders."

"I hate you."

"Good." She flipped the table and sat on his lap. She kissed him and he tried to ignore her and finish his coffee. He had just recently discovered the drink and quickly became addicted. Petrova knocked the cup from his hands and frowned. Komui gave her his best blank stare. She growled and swiftly backhanded him. She grew tired of his lack of reaction and stood. Now that she had mentioned it, Komui noticed the slight roundness to her usually flat stomach.

"You're further along than you said." He remarked and started laughing. It wasn't funny.

"We leave for my home tomorrow, Finder." She absently touched her stomach. "I can't fight like this for much longer."

Komui felt vaguely sick. The unthinkable had happened. Petrova was pregnant and he was probably the father. Even if she refused to acknowledge it, it was true. The sweet fog of madness in his mind kept threatening to retreat and leave him vulnerable to reality. He was in no way ready for this; he was only seventeen.

"I wish I was a parasite type…" Petrova growled, running her fingers through her long blond hair.

"You're already a parasite to everyone."

"Bastard… parasite types can't have children. They're almost always sterile." She sighed and almost looked wistful. "They're beautiful and powerful…"

"They die young too." Komui finished for her. He wished she was one of them too. "They're too powerful for their own good and burn out fast."

"Yes…" her expression was almost perverse. Nothing excited her like death and violence. "Its so… perfect." She glared at him with those insane blue eyes. He would try to lock the door of his room tonight, but a little thing like that wouldn't be enough to stop her. It was never enough.

Petrova's mood continued to sour as her delicate condition made itself more and more apparent over the following weeks and months. She sent every finder that had traveled with her back except for him. In her seventh month, she lost her ability to invoke her innocence. Carrying the heavy Valkyrie Gattling would put too much strain on her body. Komui wouldn't let her do it. He hated her so much, but he couldn't hate whatever monster she was going to bring into the world. He really wanted to hate it too.

Everything was his fault. She had asked him, and then ordered him to give her the medicines to kill it. Komui refused. She threatened him, struck him and railed at him with all the fury she possessed and he still refused. He smiled through the bruises and worked on building better barrier talisman. It was a great distraction, letting him play with the mechanics of the machines. It was his only line of defense against an Akuma; the only protection available to those without Innocence. The ones the Order had been using were woefully inadequate.

Petrova's family home was in St. Petersburg, near the heart of the city. Komui was surprised to see that she came from a wealthy family. It was a dark and imposing manor. Petrova's face was stuck in a perpetual scowl the moment they had entered. Komui was glad that he managed to irritate her so badly.

"I thought you had to cut all ties with family once you joined the order…" he had mentioned as they approached the gate. He was going to be incredibly pissed off if that was a lie.

"You're supposed to…" she mumbled. "My family is interwoven with the Order. My brother was an Exorcist and our Father before us."

"Compatibility runs in families?" Komui wondered just how much information he could pull from her before she slapped him. He was still in the dark about so many things. He needed to know everything if he had any hope of finding Lenalee. If it ran in families, wouldn't it be possible for him to be compatible as well? "How can you tell? Do they test for that or something?"

"At the head office…" Petrova scowled and rang the bell at the door. "Open damn it…"

The woman who answered was beautiful. Petrova in twenty years time, but without the insanity. She frowned at them; it was eerily similar to the Exorcist's own expression. "You're still alive then?" she drawled.

"Happy to see you too Mama." She touched her heavy belly. "May I come in? Or should I just give birth right here on the stairs?" The woman slapped her, sighed sadly and stood aside to let them enter. Komui followed her in, humming to himself and generally ignoring the tension between the women.

"Is it yours?" the woman touched his sleeve as he passed. "Chinaman, is it yours?" Komui looked at her blankly. He had been strangely lucid for most of the afternoon. He wanted to see if it would stay peaceful like this or if That Day would rush him the moment he let his guard down. The woman gripped his arm painfully. "Is it yours?!"

"Komui grinned at her. "Probably…"

"How could you?" she hissed, her voice devastated. "I've lost them all… and you bring me another to lose…" she turned and raced after her daughter yelling and sobbing in Russian.

"Sorry…" came a small voice from behind him. Komui turned quickly to see a boy half hiding in the shadows of the grand staircase. "Grandmother is just like that sometimes…" There was a loud crash as something expensive was thrown and shattered; Petrova's voice loudly joined her mothers. "Part of the fun is picking up all the pieces and gluing them back together…" Somber pale eyes regarded him carefully. He had the same hair as his mother; a small birthmark stood out sharply on his pale cheek. He didn't blink. It was enough to make Komui shift nervously. "Are you mama's lover?"

This child unnerved him. He was only a few years older than his dear sister, yet there was some huge gap; this child was _old_. It was almost physical, a strange weight in the boy's eyes. Komui stared, and the boy stared right back. There was something familiar about the child's expression. He thought of Xiang, willingly for the first time. Komui swallowed hard as it hit him. _He's dead… he just doesn't know it yet. He's dead and his body just hasn't caught up… This boy is already dead… _

The boy smiled. "Yeah… I know…" he whispered.

Komui stepped back. Something was very wrong with this child. His heart pounded in his chest. _Why am I afraid? _Worse, where was his fog? It should be there; it was his protection, his blanket. It made everything bearable, but it wasn't coming like it should. He fully expected That Day to wash over and drown him any moment now… He was unprotected and why was that creepy kid staring at him?

"Hey mister…" there was a tiny hand on his sleeve. "Relax." He pulled him to a drawing room where the combined tirades of mother and daughter couldn't be heard. "It's safe in here… really mister, relax." Komui sat stiffly on the sofa as the boy crawled up beside him. "You're my mother's lover, right?"

"I suppose…" Komui mumbled. Petrova didn't think of his as that, no matter how many times they shared a bed. He didn't like to think of her at all.

"She doesn't treat you very well… huh?" the strange child nodded with sympathy. "She's like that. Everyone calls me Misha, but my real name is Mikhail." The boy beamed. "What's your name?"

"Komui." He mumbled. He wasn't sure if he wanted the boy to leave him alone or stay. He was tired; he shut his eyes for just moment in hopes of clearing the sleep away. And that's when the memories rushed him.

Smoke was streaming across the sky as Komui ran to his ruined home. The smell was unbearable. The stench of burned flesh gagged him. No no no no no no no! Hands held him back from the smoldering skeleton of his home. He screamed for his sister. Everything was gone…

His face stung as someone slapped him. There was no choice but to relive it; Komui curled in on himself. He was going to see it again, see Xiang's broken body and feel his life pour from him. The taste of blood on his lips and infesting his mouth. And _the smell_… was gone. A hand impacted with his cheek again.

Komui smelled peppermint. He opened his eyes to see, not the waking nightmare that plagued him, but the somber eyes of the boy. He was holding a handkerchief up to his nose. It reeked of peppermint. Komui blinked with confusion. His fog was still missing, but the replay had ended. Somehow it had stopped and for a moment he felt free. He gulped down the air that seemed to escape him upon waking.

Misha looked him right in the eye. Komui squirmed under his intense gaze. "Good…" he said relieved and slid back over to his end of the sofa. "You have to stop doing that. It's not good for you."

"What?" Komui squeaked weakly.

"You went somewhere." The boy casually replied, like this was an everyday occurrence. "I could see it in your eyes… you weren't here." Komui gripped the fabric of his pant legs tightly; this boy was scaring him. "Relax…that place is only in your head. It can't hurt you and you're not there anymore, so relax" he soothed. "So, are you really from China?"

"Yes." He didn't elaborate. The boy kicked his feet absently.

"Are you in the Black Order too?"

"I suppose… I'm kind of a Finder." He was actually relieved by the change in subject matter. No more of the child's weird talk; this was safe, normal stuff.

"Good!" the boy chirped. "I'm glad you're not another Exorcist…"

"Why… aren't they all great?" he said half mockingly. _Those damn Exorcists, strutting about like they were the rulers of that horrible Order. _He frowned; there was no reason to snap at the child for a simple question.

"No…" Misha replied slowly. "The Order may not take it then. Both my parents were Exorcists, so was my grandfather. I'm not compatible though… it seems like I should be, but I was tested last year and no. They're not giving up hope though. As soon as I'm old enough they're gonna take me back and _make me_ compatible." He looked at Komui with his ancient eyes. "I don't think you know what they… no, you don't understand how everything works."

"Kid, what language are you speaking?" Confusion raced through his mind. This wasn't a simple conversation they were having. Komui knew enough English to get by; it was what they all spoke at the Order and most people knew a bit. He didn't know any Russian. He was sure then that he was imagining it. Perhaps the fog was rolling back in slowly and was giving him an odd conversation as it robbed him of his sanity.

"What language are you best at?"

"Chinese." He was sure he was imagining this now. The boy probably wasn't real and he was sitting here talking to himself. It wouldn't be first time he had spoken out loud with things that weren't really there.

"That's what we were speaking then." He hopped off the sofa. "I like you, Komui. Please come and play with me while you're here." He smiled and skipped off into another room.

Komui smiled. He touched the sofa cushion where the little body had sat. There was no warmth left over there. It was definitely a hallucination. That boy was way too young to speak that way. He relaxed back into the sofa. He would wait right here until he was needed. It was a nice house, a bit dark, a bit morbid, but really just the right kind of setting to imagine a scary kid.

Petrova's voice rang out through the hallway. "Misha, out of my way!" she burst into the room where Komui lounged. "Did you meet my useless son?" Komui went pale. "Yeah." Petrova agreed with a shiver. "He scares me too…"

Coming from a madwoman who enjoyed bathing and dancing in the blood of her enemies, that was saying something.


	11. Chapter 11

here's the latest installment. i'm working on updates for all my other storys, so it shouldn't be to long of a wait. this is the second version of this chapter. the first was a wildly uncontroled 'through the looking glass' mind trip. and though i was tempted to make a few more 'look how crazy this poor guy is' chapters, i'm going on with the story.

I hope you enjoy.

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"Name it…" Petrova panted as Komui cleaned and wrapped the newborn in a towel.

"What?" he had practiced ignoring everything she said to him during the past six hours of labor; most of it had been cursing him and anything else she could think of. Komui really didn't know too much on delivering babies, but he had figured it out fairly quick. Petrova's mother had also been there to assist.

"Name the little bastard…" Petrova snapped at him again. "I can't think of anything…"

Komui stared at the squirming, howling little bundle of life in his arms. It was a boy; it had a little tuft of black hair. His eyes were almond; he looked nothing like his mother. _Shit…_ Komui thought. He was sure it was his and it made his knees weak. _I'm so sorry for bringing you into this… _"Xiang is a good name." he finally said.

"That's stupid… give him a better name."

"You said to name him and I did." He handed the infant back to its mother. "You don't like it then give him a different name… but keep Xiang as his middle name."

"Fine, I will." She snapped at him before placing the baby at her breast. Her face softened for an instant. She looked almost human as Komui watched her nurse her child. She noticed his gaze and growled at him; the madwoman back again. "What are you still doing here? Get out!"

Komui scowled and stormed out of the room, turning back at the door for one last look. Petrova's mother kissed her daughter's forehead and followed him out. She grabbed his elbow and pulled him to another room. "A word please, Chinaman…"

"I have a name…" he said dully.

"I don't care…" the woman replied quickly. "When the Order calls…" she took a deep breath. "When they call, you will tell them the child died. You will say he's stillborn. Do you understand me?"

Komui blinked. "But the baby's healthy…"

"No!" she grabbed his arms. "You must say its dead! Say it's dead and buried in the garden if you have to. My daughter will leave again and so will you, but the boy will stay with me. I'll raise him, just like… like I raised Misha." She said his name like it tasted bad. "As far as anyone else knows… that baby is already dead!"

Komui looked at her in confusion. "Why?"

The woman broke. "I will not lose another child to that God Damned Black Order!" she screamed. "First they take my husband… then my son and then my daughter. They are going to take Misha… and he's not even compatible!" she was sobbing now. "That damn Order has taken everyone I've ever loved from me…"

"Grandmother…" a soft voice rose from behind the sofa. Misha appeared from nowhere. Komui bit his lip to keep from making a sound. The boy was like a ghost; he never seemed to go anywhere but he was always somewhere near. Komui could swear he left the boy reading in the sitting room once only to walk into the kitchen to see him already there, making a sandwich. "It's ok…" he reached for her only to be backhanded to the ground. Komui winced but did nothing. The boy was constantly on the receiving end of his mother and grandmother's manic rages. He was already back up on his feet and at his grandmother's side, saying soothing things in Russian to her. "Don't worry… please. Komui will do the right thing… I know he will." He led her from the room, pausing at the door way to stare at Komui with ancient eyes. "I know you've been busy…" he said softly. "But _please_, come play with me…"

Komui sat down on the floor immediately. Those pleading somber eyes terrified him. He instinctively tried to avoid the boy since his arrival, but he was always there. Those eyes reminded him of Xiang; Komui shuddered hard at the thought and tried to force it from his mind. He felt like he was being stretched, as if he was one big tense muscle. If he relaxed that constant tension, even for a second, That Day would pull him under. He had managed a whole month without reliving it and only half that time with the aid of the fog. He had a tenuous hold on his mind and after realizing that he had missed it, was determined not to let go.

When Misha reappeared suddenly, Komui nearly jumped out of his skin. "Sorry…" he mumbled softly. "I put grandmother to bed in her room… she'll be fine. She gets like that about the Order. My father was her favorite child and she blames them for his death." He frowned and shifted nervously from foot to foot. His little hands carried a box. "Mama's asleep with the baby… she was very tired." For once those sad eyes didn't burn into Komui's very soul. Misha looked worried, more like the child he was supposed to be. He walked over to where he sat; carefully, as if Komui would run if he moved too fast. "Since they're all resting now…" he sat and tipped the box over and spilling building blocks over the space between them. "I thought we could play now… you like building things right?"

"Yes…" Komui answered numbly. His heart raced. _How does he know that I like making things? _He hoped the boy had just seen him out in the back yard, working on rebuilding the poor excuse for a talisman the Order had issued him. It was always possible that Misha knew it in the same disturbing way that he seemed to know everything else. They both sat there and stared at the blocks; they were new, never been used. "Go ahead…" Komui mumbled. "play."

Misha gave a nervous chuckle. "I'm not sure how…" It was like watching an adult who knew that they were trapped as a child, but had no idea how one was supposed to act. Misha obviously wanted to act like a child; living here had forced him to grow up far too fast.

"Alright…" Komui started sorting the blocks by size and shape. "Let's build… a house." Misha nodded happily and waited to see what Komui would do. "Misha, hand me three more blocks that look like this…" The boy happily started searching.

For forty-five minutes they sat on the floor together, carefully assembling a structure from the little blocks. Misha was laughing and soon Komui joined him. He entertained him with funny stories of the imaginary people that would live in the little block house. It was odd; he nearly relaxed. Playing with a little kid was painfully familiar; it was easy to slide back into the role of big brother. Komui forced back any of thoughts before they could fully form. Misha's cheek had swelled where his grandmother had struck him.

"Why do they hit you so much?" Komui asked before he could stop himself.

"I scare them…" suddenly ancient eyes bored into him. "I'm a walking reminder of my parents' shame."

"You're not a bad kid…" Komui almost smiled. The weight of the boy's eyes seemed to hold his body frozen as if he was facing down some fearsome predator. He was breathing hard by the time the boy looked away.

"Thank you, Komui." He said softly. "I'm sorry I scare you too… I'll try not to, but it's not like I'm not doing this on purpose." He knocked the roof off the little block house. "Can we make something else?"

Komui did smile this time. "Sure." He started to reposition the blocks.

"Who are you trying to find?" Misha asked after a few minutes of silence.

"What?"

"Nobody _wants_ to join the Order. All the Finders I've met are trying to find someone they miss… or love. Why do you think they're called Finders?" he smiled gently. "So, who are you trying to find?"

"My sister…" Komui replied. "She's a couple years younger than you…and the sweetest little girl you'll ever meet. One time we..." He glanced down at the structure of blocks; it was his house. He was making a model of his house. "Oh…" he choked. "It's all gone…" With that, That Day rushed him, violently pulling him under and rolling his mind. It was physically painful; memories ripped at his soul, tearing it to shreds. Komui gave a desperate sob, begging for help.

Someone answered. Small hands were on his face. "You're not there… Komui. Listen to me. Whatever you're seeing isn't real… it can't hurt you…"

"But I…! I couldn't and now everything is… everyone is…" Komui couldn't find the strength to even finish a thought. It was all too horrible. He kept his eyes squeezed shut, too afraid to open them. "I couldn't do… that… it's not, it's not real!"

"This is the last time… ok? After this you're not gonna see it like this again." Misha didn't slap him; instead he thumped his cheek just enough to get his attention. "Komui, tell me what you see. Tell me all of it… if it's too much to carry by yourself, and I know it is, then share it."

Later Komui would feel guilty for unloading so much on someone so young, but for the moment he only crumpled. He told Misha everything. About his sister, Xiang, the fire and the Order… _everything,_ he told him things he hadn't even been able to admit to himself. He told him of his wholly inappropriate love for his best friend and for his sister. He talked until he was too drained to do much else and then he cried with the shame of it all.

"I'm sorry." The boy said when he finally settled. Komui had retreated to a fetal position on the floor. Misha touched his head soothingly. "That must have been so… awful for you." Komui shuddered hard. "Listen to me ok. This part is important… _it's not your fault_." Cautiously, Komui opened an eye. There was no look of disgust on the boy's face. He looked peaceful.

"But… I…" he croaked, his throat raw from reliving That Day yet again.

"It's not your fault… you did the best you could." He stopped Komui from objecting. "It's not. You can't keep letting it rule you. You let it control you. Does that help anyone? No… it's ok to cry, I'm not telling you to stop that. It's ok to be sad too. You have to be sad before you can be happy again."

"I… killed."

"Did you bring down the building on him?" Komui shook his head. "Then I don't think you're responsible for it." Misha paused thoughtfully. "You weren't there when the fire started… an Akuma did that. You didn't make the roof fall in. You tried to save Lenalee… they shot you. Honestly, I can't see how any of this is your fault. Bad things happen… you just do what you can."

Under the clear reasoning of the boy, a little patch of the fog evaporated for good.

Komui spent the next several days in a strange daze, like waking up after a long fitful sleep. He felt raw, exposed without his fog. Thoughts still moved convoluted through his mind. He was not better. He may never get better. It didn't seem so bad though; a new person was forming slowly in him. His psyche had been like a raw wound, an open festering sore, and he had finally figured out to stop picking at it and start treating it; he would be scarred and the damage was done, but it would heal. Given enough time it might even fade. Misha was an excellent doctor.

Petrova mellowed during her time caring for tiny Xiang. Komui never found out what name she had given him. Petrova's mother approved of his choice though; they decided to give him Komui's family name. It would be easier to hide the boy that way. He was constantly in his mother's arms; Petrova wouldn't let go. She had been unnervingly sane herself the past few days.

"You can hold him when I pass out…" she snapped at him. They were sitting in the drawing room with the telephone. A golem had arrived yesterday telling them to expect a call from head office; it fell apart on the carpet after delivering its message. They were terrible ways to communicate over long distances; it was easier to trust solid telephone lines for long conversations. Everyone sat in nervous silence and waited. "This is all the time I have… as soon as he's weaned the Order will call me back. I can't let go right now. After this, I'll never see him again."

Komui was horrified. "They won't let you stay with your child?"

She shook her head, her blond hair falling in waves across her face. "At least this one will live… they'll kill Misha."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm glad I got to see the creepy little guy again though."

"What did you say?!" Komui was out of his chair and half across the room when the telephone rang. He froze. It rang again. Komui took a deep breath. "Hello?" he answered calmly. "Yes, I was waiting for your call." He waited politely while they found a staff member fluent in Chinese. Komui was thankful for that; it was much easier to lie in his native tongue. "Komui Li… I'm a Finder. Yes, I'm hoping to be transferred to the Science branch soon. I'm Petrova's physician." He stared at the pale woman. She looked fragile, human. She wasn't a monster, she was the grim result of life in the Order and she was mother of his child. "The birth was difficult… there were massive complications; the infant was… malformed it did not survive. Ah… that's not possible… it was barely recognizable as human, we incinerated the body. Petrova is still convalescent… it may take months for her to recover fully. Yes, I'll keep you updated… you too, sir. Good bye."

He looked back to Petrova. Her head was back, silent tears streaming down her face. "Thank you… Misha keeps telling me you're going to change things. He's always right too. It takes a madman to see through the lies. I'm not supposed to tell you this part but, he probably already knew that I was going to… he said you'll be there when they kill him."

Komui didn't have a chance to respond. The boy in question appeared at his side. He must have been behind the sofa. Misha was always somewhere. "Mama… don't say such dark things… let's play together. Komui has given us more time; let's not waste it!"

She was still crying when she answered. "Of course we can play. What you like to play?"

"Let's play house. Mama, you play the Mother; I'll be the Oldest Child and the new baby is the New Baby…" Misha approached him carefully. "Komui, I won't make you play… but you can join anytime. It's gonna get weirder around here…"

"Is that even possible?"

"Exponentially." Misha smiled at him. "My mother needs this… just like you have to push and fight your way out of the regrets and sorrow that have you trapped… my mother needs to confront hers. She wanted an ordinary life; her regret, her sorrow was that she never lived it…"

"Does she really believe…?" Komui wondered if the stress of the phone call had tripped his mind.

"No… it's just playing. But we have to make the best use of the extra time you've given us."

Komui sat on the floor, gripped by an irrational fear. "How are you doing this stuff? My nightmares have stopped… Petrova is... docile." He tried to meet those ancient eyes. "Are you doing this? Are you… making me better?"

"I can't do those things… only God can do that kinda stuff." Misha shook his head as if the very question was silly and crouched before him. "Do you know what my name means?" he asked softly. Komui didn't; there was no way for him to know that. "My real name means 'who is like God?' It's not even a statement. It's a question; I don't get an answer for it. That's a very cruel name… I think."

"What…does this, what does any of this mean?" tears pricked at his eyes. He was scared; there was to fog to hide under.

"A better question, Komui… what language were we just speaking?"


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks as always to my wonderful reviewers. i hope you all enjoy this chapter. i'd write more here, but a headache has taken me.

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Komui grit his teeth. Petrova's mother had left them for a neighbor's house after seeing them 'playing.' She said they were all sick. Komui agreed but was unable to leave. He had nowhere in the city to go… and he was involved now.

"Husband!" a cheery voice called from the kitchen. "Breakfast is ready…" he hated how good it smelled. It took him three days of watching before he went to Misha and asked to join. It was so wrong; an utter farce with everyone pretending everything was fine. But, they all seemed so happy.

"I want to play." He had told the boy last night. He was ignored completely till then; he sat and watched Petrova take care of the baby, clean the house and appear sane. That was terrifying enough but she also did something unexpected, she pined for her husband. Holding an empty photo frame, she cried and prayed for his safe return. "Why does she do that?" he had asked the boy.

"Missing your loved ones is part of life… she's trying to fit a whole life time into a few days. Are you sure you want to play?"

"Yes."

"I'll bring you in then. Please have fun… this is the only time you can have this life too. Pretend that nothing bad has happened and be happy. I'll be there to help if you get scared." He had smiled, the bright expression looking odd with his old eyes. "Mama!" he yelled and ran to her. "Wonderful news!" she knelt on the floor to meet his eyes. "Papa's trip ended early; he's come home!"

Komui's stomach rolled as he watched her face light up; he had just mad a terrible mistake. "Oh…" she cried and threw her arms around Misha; for a moment Komui saw the boy lose himself in the game, smiling softly and giving in to a child's need for its mother. "Thank God… oh thank God." Komui had never heard her voice like that.

"Go stand by the door…"Misha had directed him. "That way she can run to meet you… just like in the stories." Not knowing what else to do he walked to the hall way and waited quietly by the door. He had tried to imagine what he would feel in this kind of situation. This was going to be another challenge; if he could keep his mind throughout this, he could keep it permanently. He would try to play.

Petrova stood in the door frame, lit from the room behind her like an angel. She touched her hand to her face. "Oh thank God… you've come back to me." She ran to him. Komui had seen her run before; she moved like a predator, a large feline stalking her kill. This was not the same woman. Her gait was delicate, feminine; she fell into his arms burying her face in his shirt. "My husband… my husband!" Awkwardly he put his arms around her.

"I'm home." He managed. It seemed as good as anything to say. "Sorry to make you wait." _I can't believe I'm doing this…_ Her arms were warm; her body soft. Her tears were soaking through his shirt. Komui tried to imagine how this would feel if it was real; separated from the ones he loved, trying to get home to them and finally coming through the door to see them. He instantly thought of Lenalee; he was trying to find her. Home would be wherever they were together.

Petrova pulled back to gaze at his eyes; Komui couldn't force himself to meet them. "I thought you were dead…" she whispered, carefully touching his cheek. "They told me your ship had sunk. But you've come back to me. My love, I thought I was never going to see you again…" her blue eyes welled with fresh tears. Komui blinked with surprise; she was beautiful. He had never seen it before.

"Don't worry… I'm here now. My ship did sink…" he took a deep breath and started playing in earnest. "But it was a slow leak. Everyone had plenty of time to pack their things and go. I finished reading the paper and even had time for a quick nap before leisurely making my way to the lifeboats." He smiled, a bit bewildered by how easy the lies were coming. _I can do this…_

Petrova had laughed. The noise was bright, relieved and so very happy. It was so different from the laughter of carrion birds that she usually produced. "Our Misha has grown since you've been gone and you haven't even met our Xiang yet…" she smiled coyly. "Yes, I remembered what name you had picked for him. Xiang, after your…" she faltered, having no idea where he pulled that name from.

"After my best friend!" he supplied. "That's wonderful… I want to see them!" Misha was leaning against the door frame, his eyes closed.

"Misha…" Petrova called. "Come greet your father properly." She kissed his cheek; Komui tried not to flinch. "I'll get the baby… then you can play with your sons and I'll make your dinner… we'll eat together just like a real family again."

As Petrova left his side, Komui felt a thud against his leg. Misha had vanished from his post at the door frame and reappeared at his side. With childish desperation he clung to his pant leg. Komui was surprised at how small he really was. The boy's presence was usually overwhelming, but physically he was only a little taller than Lenalee. He leaned on him. "Komui… while we play, I'm going to call you papa. Is that alright? I won't do it if it you don't want me to." Komui didn't answer. He wasn't sure if he was ok with it. "I'm not pretending you're him. I never met him, so I can't pretend you're someone I don't know. While we play… will you pretend I'm just as much yours as my baby brother is?"

Something in his voice made Komui's heart ache. This was just as difficult for the boy as it was for him. Komui realized that some part of Misha needed this as much as his mother did. "I don't know how to be a dad… I'm hardly an adult yet." Tiny hands tightened their hold on him. "But, I'll do my best. Even when we're not playing, you can still come to me any time you need me." The little body relaxed against him.

"Thank you… you're going to do the right things. You don't like seeing people hurting, you can't bear their suffering… you make their pain your own. You'll change the world for their sakes. Your heart is still wounded Komui; you're gonna see some horrible things. But it will make you strong; it will give the conviction to do what needs to be done."

"Misha, you're scaring me… stop." He carefully set his hand on the boy's head.

"I'm sorry that you'll be there… but, I'm also kinda happy. I can be brave if you're there. That will be the turning point. When they kill me… don't look away. Its something you need to see."

"Stop it!" he hissed, his hands shaking in barely contained terror. "Misha, what are you?!"

"Who is like God?" he whispered. "But, I'm not… don't think that I'm anything but what you see here." He leaned hard against Komui's leg. "Can you pick me up? I've never had anyone carry me… nicely. I get tossed a lot… so can you pick me up?"

Komui lifted him easily; he really was small, not too different from carrying Lenalee. Misha's eyes were closed and Komui was grateful for that. The little body curled against him and sighed happily. "You're a good boy, Misha… you scare the hell out of me, but you're still a good boy." Komui mumbled. "I'm not playing right now either. I mean it. I may not be you father, but… I'll do what I can."

"Don't forget me when I die. That's all you have to do… anything else is just because you're so kind."

"Husband?" Petrova called from the kitchen.

"Is she pretending I'm your real father?" Komui asked the little figure in his arms. "She mentioned a ship… is that how he died?"

"She wouldn't pretend you're him…they weren't married and he doesn't exist in this game. She is pretending that I'm your son. My real father killed himself after he found out mama was pregnant. Grandmother thinks he died in the line of duty; nobody's gonna tell her otherwise. My father even left a note." He sighed and buried his face in Komui's shoulder. "I'm not a sin…" he added softly to himself. "I don't think I'm a sin… I didn't do anything wrong."

Komui didn't ask anymore questions; he had the feeling he wasn't going to like any of the answers. That night he held his son for the first time. He ate dinner at the table with his pretend family. He slept in the master bedroom with Petrova and learned how sex was supposed to be. For the first time, it wasn't painful; it wasn't humiliating. He understood why people would want to do it now. There was cuddling. That was a pleasant surprise. Petrova slept in his arms, his face buried in her sweet smelling hair. It was peace, until she spoke outside the game.

"Keep playing, Finder." She had hissed. "Don't ruin this for me…and when we're finished with this game, I'll tell you everything I know about the Order. My son says you'll be the one to fix it. You'll need all the information you can get." She melted against him, back in the game. "Sleep my love…"

It was surreal. Life existed on two completely separate but interconnected levels, inside the game and out. A stuck cabinet drawer was easily pulled free in the game while outside the game Petrova swore and tore it to bits to open it. A meal burned beyond recognition in reality was eaten with exclamations of joy in the game. Time was condensed; they needed to fit a lifetime into a month. Breakfast had Misha putting little dots of red ink on his face. He was playing teenager; he spent a few hours acting ridiculously sullen and rebellious. He got bored of it and they pretended it was Christmas for the rest of the afternoon.

Misha had to explain the holiday to him. It led to an unusually animated boy giving Komui an entire lecture on religion. Misha, as always, seemed to know far too much for him to be comfortable with.

They talked about how wonderful their trip to China was. Misha adored his Aunt Lenalee and the wedding was beautiful. In the game they visited Komui's family often. Tiny Xiang briefly played the role of Lenalee's child with a living and whole Xiang, come to visit.

Petrova was sweet and gracious, everything a good wife and mother should be. It made something in his chest ache. Outside the game she was a madwoman, cruel and cold, a sadistic monster; inside the game, she was gentle, loving and tender. Komui loved her with every fiber of his being. Inside the game she loved him back.

Everything ended abruptly. They went to the park for a picnic; it was absurdly wonderful. Petrova made chicken sandwiches. In the game they were perfectly sliced squares of bread; outside the game they all picked little bones from their teeth. They ate in the shadow of a large tree. Komui played with Misha, who with great effort pretended to be alive. Petrova cradled tiny Xiang and worked on her embroidery. Inside the game it was beautifully stitched roses; outside the game it was a sad tangle of pink thread gradually made worse by hands that only knew killing.

That helpless tangle of thread was a mirror of their 'family', a thrown together mess made with a lack of planning and consideration. Thread that under other circumstances would have made something beautiful was haphazardly knotted, becoming a twisted parody. Still, it tried to be beautiful. In their minds, it was. That was all that mattered.

When Petrova stood and left the group for "womanly business" the game was over. Komui shuddered at the sound of her Valkyrie Gattling dispatching the Akuma that dared to intrude on their game. From behind the tree he shifted and watched her. "Chooser of the Slain…" she said fiercely as the massive weapon discharged, its heavenly bullets falling as gently as rain onto the Akuma. The heavy artillery vanished and for a moment the woman stared up into the blue sky. She was breathtaking. Without a word they went back home.

In bed that night, Komui curled around her; as if he could protect her. He was helpless. He couldn't help anyone.

"I was seen." She mumbled against his chest. "There was another Finder there. He saw me… the Order will know by now. My life is over." She was shaking; vulnerable and so very different from the Exorcist Komui knew. "If I leave tomorrow they won't send anyone to investigate. Our son will be safe this way. I wrote you a letter of recommendation for the Science division. It should help get you to Central…" she sighed and slipped halfheartedly into the game. "I'm old now, my children grown with children of their own… I die here in bed, sleeping and content. You stay by me the whole time and hold my hand. I die happy with you… my husband, father of my child… my love." She smiled at him in the dark of the room. "Komui, my beautiful mad scientist."

Komui broke at hearing his name through her lips. She had never used it before. Even while they played, she had only used husband or love to address him. He leaned in and captured her lips with all the passion he could bring. He couldn't tell if they were still playing the game. At some point the two realities merged for him. He was horrified that what he felt for the woman in his arms could be real. This sick game had forced love upon him; it was wonderful and it was terrible. It was different than what he shared with Xiang; that love had been painful and twisted, truly forced. He chose to play this game. He was willing this time. "I think I do love you…" he whispered through feverish kisses.

"I've stopped playing, Komui…" Petrova gasped, her cool hands already under his night shirt and popping the buttons. "I love you…" she pulled away only to latch onto his throat and mark him. "Bastard… I've loved your worthless ass from the day I met you!" Komui grinned stupidly as she growled, grabbed his hands and set them exactly where she wanted them to be. "You stabbed me… right in the chest in front of everyone. And you smiled while you did it! We had the same eyes… we were made for each other. We needed each other!"

Komui didn't agree, but he didn't disagree either. Instead he found it increasingly difficult to hold onto any rational thoughts while Petrova slithered out of her nightgown and into his lap. It was their last night together and they were determined to make it one worth remembering.


	13. Chapter 13

sorry for the delay. here's the new chapter. it's finally time for poor komui to see lenalee again! it was tricky to write; i've made it a bit different than the manga. but then again, i haven't been the best with keeping it to the origional anyways. three other characters make a guest appearence, only one will really be a part of this story. unless i have some odd flash of inspiration. some of the guys from the science division may show up too after this.

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"I'm home…" Komui whispered at the door. He didn't dare enter yet. He needed to get his emotions under control first. "Lenalee… I'm home." He practiced softly. He'd spent the entire train ride practicing what he was going to say when he saw her. He was ready for anything but this.

Lenalee was broken. The Order destroys everything it touches; Petrova had told him that. He hadn't believed it fully until now. She didn't see him at the door; the restraints wouldn't let her turn her head that far. She was crying. Such pitiful mournful sounds mixed with a childish babble about wanting to go home. _Why isn't there anyone with her?_

Komui turned back into the hall and slid down the wall. They had his sister chained to the bed. It was too much; he wanted to rush in, tear away her bindings and rescue her. Every instinct in him screamed for him to just grab her and run. He knew better; one does not run from the Order. With a deep breath he forced himself to calm. She would not see him upset; he would smile for her. He would be strong for her and he would make this hell a home for her. Everything would be for her sake.

"That is her then?" Asked the boy. His face was a careful mask; if he cared in the slightest, it didn't show. Komui had approached him first; Lenalee had apparently done the same upon her arrival, seeking out the only other Asian face in a sea of Europeans. Komui had hoped to find a fellow countryman, but the boy had frowned at him with an insulted intensity.

"What happened?" Komui didn't look at the boy. "Why is she like this?"

"She tried to run away again… she makes one good attempt a month." The boy shifted uncomfortably; the sword he carried seemed far too big and heavy for his thin arms. "I let her hide in my room sometimes… she's not going to live much longer." Komui looked up in alarm. The boy quickly turned his head to stare down the dark hallway. "Some people just don't live… off the upper tower balcony is the most popular." He sounded almost bored, just stating fact. He had seen enough death to make him callous. It made Komui's heart ache to see that expression on one so young. He would die if he ever saw it on Lenalee.

"Those injuries…" Komui mumbled.

"The one of her face is new… most are her own fault." The thin boy crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall, his eyes still fixed on something far away. "Some people just don't live… you should see her legs."

"You've been… taking care of her, haven't you?" Komui ventured a smile. Color rushed pale cheeks, but the boy quickly covered it with a frown. Komui smiled truly then. _She wasn't completely alone then_… "Thank you for that Kanda."

The boy pushed away from the wall with a scowl. "Tch… whatever…" he mumbled as he walked away, long ponytail trailing behind him.

Komui frowned and touched his own hair absently. He'd been letting it grow out so he would look familiar for his sister. He would cut it as soon as possible. He didn't want anything in common with that boy. Idly he wondered if having long hair made him look like a girl from the back like Kanda's did. He frowned at the wild tangent his mind had taken without permission.

He was not better. His mind was a frayed and jumbled mess, capable of warped moments of absurd silliness and breathtaking seriousness. It was a mind that, in the same week, built a robot whose soul purpose was to fart lemon custard and completely redesigned and rebuilt the Talismans issued to all Finders. The new Talismans had a triple refraction mirror to strengthen their barriers and already the units equipped with them were reporting fewer casualties. Komui had worked on both projects with the same intensity; he possessed a fierce intelligence. It was what held the torn edges of his sanity together now.

Lenalee's crying had quieted, but not by much as he sat there in the hall trying to figure out how to start. _This is home now… I have to make this home. Would she be chained to her bed at home? No. So I need to let her up. Would she be crying at home? No. I need to comfort her. She's grown so much… how long have I taken to get here? It's been years… what if she doesn't remember me?! I'll go to the tower balcony…_

"I wanna go home…" a shaky voice cried out longingly. It broke Komui out of his stupor. Before he could think twice he was up on his feet and walking into the room. He pulled a chair from against the wall and sat by her bed. She didn't notice him; her eyes were glassy. "Wanna… go… I wanna go…" she repeated.

"Lenalee…" he said softly; he didn't want to startle her. "Lenalee, little sister…" she went still. Her eyes widened at the sound of his voice. Carefully, Komui reached over to touch her cheek. It seemed right that the last place he touched her before she was torn away from him be the first place he touch at their reunion. _My sister… I'm finally here with you_. "I'm home." He smiled gently. She was shaking as she turned her head as far as she could to look at him. Just as he feared, there was no spark of recognition in her eyes.

Komui sank. Right now he was just another stranger, one who had come in and touched her. He had spoken in their native tongue; instead of being familiar, it had just frightened her worse. Lenalee was hyperventilating, her wide eyes panicked. Her little hands clenched and she pulled almost violently at her bonds. He kept the smile on his face and switched to English. _You have to remember me… please God._ "Little sister… it's me, Komui. I'm your big brother. I'm sorry I took so long to get here. It's ok now… this is our home."

"Big… brother?" her voice was raw, barely a whisper.

"Yes, that's right…" He gently brushed a tear from her face. "I'm sorry it took me so long to find you… but I'm here now." _I live for you._

"Everything's gone…I don't have a big brother." she whispered. "Big brother is gone too…"

"No! I'm fine!" he insisted, taking her hand. It was covered in bandages. _God, Lenalee what have they done to you?_ "I'm right here!"

"You're here?" there was a confused fever in her eyes. "How? Big brother is dead, but you're not. He died in the fire? They said you were gone. You're really here?" Komui smiled and nodded encouragingly. "Big brother… is here? Big brother is here? Big brother is here." She tested the words, trying to make sense of them. Something in the little girl snapped, recognition flooded her eyes and she screamed. "Big Brother!" He had come to save her. She lurched forward, pulling at her bindings like a sleeper waking from a nightmare. Her fingers clawed the air desperately as she fought to reach for him.

"I'm here!" he cried now. He leaned in and touched their foreheads together. "I'm here for you now… just like I said, I'll take care of you. I'll always be here too." His hands went to one of the buckles on her thin wrist. "Lie still now… I'll help you out of this."

"You're here…" she cried. "All this time, they were hiding you from meeee!" she clutched at his hand while he undid the buckles. "Said you were gooone! Said you were gone… but you're here. Where were they hiding you?! How did you get out? I need to get out of here too…"

Komui didn't have a chance to say anything; he was too stunned by his sister's actions when her hands were finally free. Within seconds of her release she had thrown down the blankets, flung up her dress and torn into her bare legs. Komui was horrified. Sharp little nails dug bloody furrows in her skin. Kanda was right; she had been hurting herself. Lenalee's thin legs were a mass of dirty bandages and barely healing flesh.

"Get them off!" she yelled. "Big brother… help me get them off of me!" a strip of flesh on her ankle gave way with a sickening wet sound. "Get them off me so we can leave!"

"Stop that!" Komui snapped and grabbed her hands before she could continue the mutilation. He held her eyes with his own. Deep in those wide dark orbs was something terrified and familiar. The same glint of sanity slipping out of reach was there in her eyes too. The tortured mind that had stared back at Komui every time he looked in a mirror was present in his sister. _God help us both…_ he would stop it from progressing in her like it did in him; he would save her. Blood was soaking into the bed sheets. "You're hurting yourself…"

"But I have to get them off!" she struggled against him. "If I can get them off they won't want me and we can go home!" tiny hands fluttered in Komui's grip. "We can go home…"

"We are home." He answered softly. "I'm here…" Komui hugged her shaking form. "And you're here… wherever we're together is home."

"No!" she howled. "I wanna go hooome!" Komui rocked her gently, determined to let her cry everything out. "Please, big brother… you escaped from where they were keeping you from me. We can both escape now!"

"We don't need to escape." He gently told her. "This is our home."

"Get them off me…" she was reaching for her feet again. "I'm not strong enough, I can't get them off. My feet hurt; it's so heavy. Help me get them off… cut them off."

Komui sighed; he had read the records on his sister. She wielded the Dark Boots. He touched the tiny slipper on her closest foot. Lenalee shrieked at the softest of touches. "This shouldn't hurt so bad…" it was obvious it was too small for her foot. "I'll take it off for now…"

"They don't come off!"

"Of course they will." Komui moved to the bottom of the bed and slowly pulled a shoe from her tiny foot; the slipper was impossibly heavy. Instantly he was greeted by the smell of rotting flesh. She cried brokenly and made a sound as if she would be sick. Her toes had been forced down, under the ball of her foot and the skin was dead. Everywhere was rubbed raw and leaked bloodied pus. Komui gagged quietly. Her feet had been bound, trapped continuously in shoes that didn't grow with her. "Didn't you tell somebody it was this bad?"

"No one believes me."

Komui freed her other foot and scooped her up into his arms. "We're going to see Heb…" he explained. "I'm stopping this right now." He lifted her with ease and stormed out of the room and down the hall. He wasn't sure how to fix this, but he would.

"Heb!" he shouted at the monstrous figure. He shifted Lenalee's little form in his arms to show the terrible condition of her feet. "Did you know this was happening?"

"Why did you remove the Dark Boots, Komui?" Heb's ethereal voice echoed back to him.

"Because they were hurting her!" he shouted back. "Look at this; she can't possibly fight like this… she can't even walk!" he hated saying it like that, but he knew where the priorities of the Order lay. An Exorcist that can't fight is useless.

"What do you expect me to do?" Heb asked as she moved closer to the platform. "The Orders are that they must be worn continually."

"Well, you better start looking for someone else compatible with them because at this rate it's gonna kill her." Komui smiled. "Can you adjust the Dark Boots? Lenalee has a lot of growing left to do… if these can't grow with her, she'll end up crippled. We have to take care of our Exorcists so they can do their jobs."

"You sound like them…" Lenalee whispered in horror. "Big brother you sound just like them…"

Komui frowned and bounced her in his arms. He hated it but he did sound like the others in the Order. Coming from his dear sister it sounded even worse. "Sorry…"

"You're just like them!" she shrieked and struck at him with tiny fists. "Big brother is gone! You're another trick!"

"There's no trick here. I'm real." He didn't flinch at any of her blows. "I'm just doing what needs to be done to make things better for you. Your big brother just wants to help."

He was lucky that Lenalee was too exhausted to really continue. Her eyes hurt him though. All too clearly he could see that she felt betrayed. Big brother, who she had believed dead and gone, had reappeared to rescue her. He freed her from the horrible slippers that pained her only to talk about putting them back on.

"Brother?" Heb's hazy face was right next to him now. She had heard. "Is that true?" Komui frowned and nodded; he had been so careful up to this point. He changed the characters and the spelling of his family name to avoid questions. "You shouldn't be here… family and the Order does not mix well."

"I'm here." Komui said firmly. "I have no intension of going anywhere. The Order is my family." He looked at Heb; she terrified him. He couldn't quite figure out what she was. She must have been more human at one time; he tried to imagine her scaled down to normal stature. He pushed aside his wandering thoughts. "You're the only one who officially knows that Lenalee is my sister. Heb, is this going to be a problem?"

Heb shimmered but remained silent.

"I think…" Komui started carefully. "That family should be encouraged in the Order. If I was an Exorcist… I wonder where my loyalties would lie. Would it be to the Order, who pulled me screaming from my loved ones and forced me to fight in its holy war? Or would it be to the family and friends whom I care about, who only I can protect? If the Order becomes a family…" he hugged his sister tightly. "I will fight with every breath, every drop of my blood, to protect my family."

"And for that you want to be supervisor?" there was something mocking in Heb's lilting voice. Komui didn't rise to her baiting; it was common knowledge where his ambitions were aimed. "Are you crazy boy?"

"Completely and utterly mad." He answered with a grin. "And that's why I'll be the best. Will you support me?"

Heb drew back suddenly. Komui stood confidently. He was proud of being able to set the strange creature off center. "Yes." She answered. "If you decide to make the push for supervisor… I will support you. You have no ulterior motives… you do not lust for power. Because you are mad... I can take what you say as what you mean. You will, if nothing else, at least be entertaining."

"Thanks Heb… now about these Dark Boots." He pulled the offending shoes from his white coat pocket. "They can't stay like this; I'm going to the infirmary to get her feet cleaned up… think about what we can do to reshape her weapon. If we can't make the shoes grow with her feet then we need to do something to adjust them every few months. Fixing this problem now will save us a lot of time and trouble later."

"Nooo…." Lenalee cried weakly. "I don't want to wear them… its too heavy. Big Brother… save meee…"

"I'll do everything I can." He assured her. It wasn't enough; she kept crying all the way to the infirmary.

The two nurses on duty were appalled at the condition of her tiny feet. Reluctantly, Komui handed her over to their care. He stayed in the room just in case she needed him. After so many years of separation, he wasn't going to let her out of his sight any time soon.

Lenalee begged the nurses not to clean her injuries; she pleaded for them to simply cut off her feet, anything to keep her from having to wear the Dark Boots again. Komui held her small hand as the women carefully cleaned every infection and bandaged her wounds. They couldn't answer her cries and shot painfully frustrated looks to Komui.

"I know…" he nodded in sympathy. "I'm not going to let it get any worse. She's not doing any training until everything's healed."

"It's not right…" said one of the women as she effortlessly worked gauze over a torn little leg. Her soft Slavic accent reminded Komui painfully of Petrova. "She's too young to be here…"

"I'll look out for her." Komui squeezed his sister's hand.

With a dramatic crash, the infirmary door burst open. Komui nearly jumped out of his skin. The man who stumbled in was in was holding a handkerchief to his forehead; it was bleeding heavily. "General!" one of the nurses shouted and started to move to him.

"Now, now…" he waved his hand dismissively. "I'm in no hurry, ladies. Just finish up what you're doing first." He stumbled to a seat and heavily sat. He pulled the cloth away to peer at it myopically. "Can't see a damn thing without my glasses… Lord, but that boy is fast."

Komui gave Lenalee's hand a reassuring pat. "I'm gonna help him out ok." One of the nurses glared at him. "I'm kinda a doctor." He smiled sheepishly and went to the sink to wash his hands. There was no sense in sitting around being useless.

"General?" Lenalee's soft voice questioned.

The man sat up and grinned warmly. "Is that my girl over there?" he said happily. "How are the feet doing? I heard you gave the folks from training quite a chase the other day!"

"Yeah…" she giggled shyly. Komui was too stunned to move. Who was this man to speak to his sister so familiarly? His sister was giggling; this man had somehow put her at ease when all Komui seemed to do was make her cry. He was unbearably jealous. "He took the Dark Boots off." She smiled.

"Oh? That's great, sweetie." He gave a thumbs-up gesture. "Didn't I tell you it would work out?" His voice dropped to a mumbled that only Komui could hear as he walked over to where the man sat. "Thank God for small favors… Lord protect her and keep her."

"Let me take a look at your cut." Komui sat beside him and moved away the soaked handkerchief. There was a deep but thin gash over the man's bushy eyebrow. "Ouch… what happened?" he wasn't sure if he cared or not. He didn't like how familiar this man was with Lenalee. _That's not fair…_ he chided himself. _If Lenalee trusts him, the least I can do is give him a chance… _

The man chuckled. "My cute little Yu happened…" when Komui didn't react he elaborated. "Yu… Kanda, bad tempered little fellow, black hair, sword… incredibly bad tempered… I said something he didn't like and, Lord he's fast to let you know." He didn't flinch as Komui began to clean and stitch the wound; nothing seemed to bother him. "My poor little Yu" he sighed. "God saw fit to grace him with one nerve and then made sure everybody's on it. He needs a holiday… ah but who doesn't need one, right?"

Komui tied off the last stitch. "There you are." The man fished a pair of glasses from a pocket and put them on. He seemed oddly content with the world; Komui frowned before he could stop himself.

"You're new? One of the new chaps in the science department right?" The man interrupted the bare thought that was trying to form in Komui's scattered mind. He glanced to Lenalee and back. "You wouldn't happen to be the famous Big Brother that she's always talking about, would you?"

"I suppose I am." Something warm blossomed in his chest. Lenalee had been thinking of him all this time?

"It's nice to finally meet you then." He shook Komui's hand. "I've tried for months to get those shoes off of her." His voice dropped to a whisper. "They're coded to her blood… nothing I could do could get them off and the brave little dear isn't strong enough to get them off herself. Big brother has the same blood as little sister; you got here just in time. Only down side… everyone's going to know you two are related because of this. They'll want to test you for compatibility. The gents in charge are crazy for testing." He didn't seem worried by it. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it huh? What's your name, big brother?"

"Komui Li." He explained that it was spelled different than Lenalee's 'Lee.'

"Not too different… lucky most of the Order heads are dumb about Chinese names or you might have had trouble getting a job in Central." He chuckled amiably. "No worries about it now. I'm General Froi Tiedoll, the unofficial father of all these little Order children. Nice to meet you."


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for the delay. here's the next installment. origionally when i set out to write this story i had intended to end it with komui's reunion with his sister, but then i realized the world i've built up here has a lot more to it. i'm glad to have such wonderful readers and reviews to go through it all with me.

i hope you all enjoy.

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"Um…. Excuse me…" the boy in glasses timidly mumbled to Komui. "Um, sorry…"

Komui lifted his head from his workstation in the main science room to glare at the boy. He didn't remember falling asleep. For the past two days he had worked solidly in a fit of creativity. He didn't remember the boy's name either. Blinking sleepily he stared at him as if he had grown a second head.

The boy took a step back, ready to bolt should Komui decide to explode. It was probably a smart idea. Everyone else in the room had stopped to watch; most were already inching their way behind shelves and cabinets while the rest trusted their reflexes to dive away when the time came. If it wasn't important then the boy wouldn't have risked coming anywhere within the ten foot blast radius of Komui's desk.

Komui hadn't adjusted well to working in Central. After achieving the goal of getting here and finding his sister, he was plagued by an odd loss of purpose. It was like a loud resounding 'now what?' that followed him through the day.

He found that he completely lacked the social skills to get along with so many people at once. Individually they were quite nice and Komui felt they were pleasant enough to interact with. Years of working alone coupled with being around Petrova had seriously affected the way he dealt with others. He had lived so long with the single purpose of finding his sister that nothing else had mattered. Most of the time he was too trapped in the working of his damaged mind to even recognize those around him as human.

Carefully he had managed to alienate himself from everyone. There were rumors about him going around; half of them were true. In his quest to reach Central, he ended up doing things he was not proud of. This was a problem he had no way of foreseeing. He needed these people to like him, support him when he made the push for supervisor. He needed to become supervisor if he wanted to make the Order a better place for his sister, for everyone.

For now he just tended to blow up at everyone both verbally and physically. The second being when his projects snapped, cracked, broke and occasionally vaporized in a fireball just big enough to set off every alarm in the building.

"What?!" Komui snapped automatically, making the boy jump and his comically oversized glasses slide half off his nose. Komui reached up with a single finger marred with dark mechanical oil and pushed the escaping spectacles back into position. He didn't mean to be so harsh, but something had set him on the defensive today. He always felt he needed to justify his projects and mannerisms. _What is wrong with me…?_ He thought miserably and took a deep breath. "Sorry… yes, um?" he tried to pull the boy's name from the air. He was sure he'd heard it before.

"Johnny." The boy squeaked. "I'm Johnny."

Komui smiled. The boy was trying. That was more than the other members of the science department were doing. The Australian at the other end of the room was actively glaring at him. "Yes, thank you Johnny." He repeated the name mentally trying to imprint it on some corner of his mind. It would probably be gone by the end of the day. He picked up the small circuit he had been working on and his soldering iron. "What do you need?"

"The General is asking for you."

The delicate wire in his hand snapped; he growled a foul word in Chinese and slammed the now useless part down on the desk top. Everyone flinched at the sound. Johnny's glasses made another escape attempt from his face and clattered on to the no man's land of Komui's workspace. The boy made a slight whining sound; anything that touched that desk was as good as gone, Komui had made that very clear.

"Just leave 'em…" whispered the round man in the hat. "They're just glasses; you can get another pair…" Komui picked them up and pulled a set of pliers out. He had the room's attention; everyone waited with baited breath to see what the crazy man would do next. _How do I get them to like me…_ he wondered, faintly hating how childish it sounded. He bent the wire frames. They were expecting him to break them.

Without a word Komui stood and set the glasses back on Johnny's face. They were crooked so he carefully took them back and adjusted them again. "Move your head a bit…" he mumbled. "I curved the arms a bit more… they should stay on better."

"Hey… yeah!" Johnny exclaimed. "They feel fine… wow, I can't believe you fixed em…" he grinned. "For a minute there… I thought you were gonna take them apart or throw them at me or something." He turned and called back to one of his friends. "Told ya he's not so bad…"

"Not so bad…" Komui echoed weakly.

"Nothing… nothing exploded? So you didn't get blown up… Johnny's still alive?" the man in the hat sniggered. "Can I still have your headphones?"

"Tapp!" the boy shouted in mock outrage. The easy way they talked made Komui smile.

"I'm sure I can blow something up if that's what everyone's waiting for." He offered and glanced around his desk for something readily combustible.

"No!" Johnny shouted. "We're fine really, so yeah the General wants to see you. You know which room is his right?" Komui nodded and quickly hurried away from the odd stares of his coworkers.

He didn't like the walk from the science department room to the living quarters; it took him past the coffins. Usually he tried to rush past without looking, but today he stopped. Amid the sea of dead there was a small coffin; a child was sleeping there today. Komui's insides twisted into a sharp knot. A Finder had thrown himself over it in his grief. In his mind's eye he could imagine the tiny coffin of Lenalee and himself in the same position. It was all too real of a possibility. He was tempted to go to the man; instead he clenched his fists and forced himself to move on. There had to be better methods, better technology, something that could cut the unbearably high human cost.

The door to the General's suite was open. Komui liked that about the man; his door was always open when he was around and everyone whether Exorcist, Finder or random staff was welcome. He rapped on the frame to announce his presence.

Lenalee was giggling wildly. Komui smiled at the sound. The pleasant voice of Froi Tiedoll echoed from the bedroom. He wasn't terribly surprised to find them both there. His sister was tucked snuggly into the blankets while the General sat to the side with one of his many drawing pads.

"And this…" he turned the paper to the girl with a flourish. "Is what my cute little Yu would look like with a banana growing out his nose." She squealed with laughter. "See… I think it's a very good likeness too. Yu didn't… I needed ten stitches for this picture alone…" he chuckled and waved Komui in. "But that was nothing compared to what he did after he saw…" he paused dramatically and waited for Komui to sit on the big bed by his sister. "THIS."

Komui burst out loud laughing as the General flipped the page. The man was really quite the artist; his drawing showed Kanda as a cat complete with ears, bell and a stuffed mouse dangling from the corner of his scowling mouth. Pulling his laughter under control, Komui asked him what he had called him for.

"Lenalee…" he raised an eyebrow. "Tell your big brother why I called him here." Her giggling stopped instantly; she sunk down to hide under the covers. "You want me to tell him?" she shook her head. "Are you going to tell him?" she shook her head again and rolled over to face away from him. "Then I will." Some of the humor left his eyes and Komui shifted nervously. "She put one of her trainers in the hospital today." He swatted her backside through the blanket with his drawing pad. "This is supposed to be punishment remember?" she mumbled something. "Confined to her quarters… which somehow turned to hiding in mine." He stood and motioned Komui to follow. "Young lady, you stay here and think about what you did…" there was no anger in his voice.

Tiedoll shut the door so he could continue to speak with Komui. "She was… distraught." He explained. "Yu brought her to my room; she still goes to him first. She was near hysterical." He sat on one of the many overstuffed chairs and rubbed his face. "Komui… son, have a seat."

"Its more than just being in trouble isn't it?" he asked, a sinking feeling was quickly replacing the bright flare of jealously that came with knowing Lenalee still went to others for comfort instead of always coming to him.

"Two things really… The Order has decided that she's ready for the field."

Komui crumbled. "Noo…" she's too young… she's too small. She can't possible be expected to fight… they have child size coffins… "She'll die out there…"

"Have a little more faith in her abilities. I think it's too early too." Tiedoll soothed. "I'm trying to get her placed in my unit… or at least with someone I know and trust to protect her. I'm not going to let any of my children go out there alone."

"There's a dead child in the hall… what about that one?" Komui hissed bitterly.

"He wasn't alone. Sometimes these things happen… sometimes all the precautions in the world don't help. I knew the boy… was his cousin still out there?"

"There was a Finder…"

"Ah…" the General sighed. "I told him to go get some rest. We have an Exorcist imbedded at Our Lady of Perpetual Grace and Innocence. I'll get the lad sent out there… there's not much going on out there and it will give him a chance to rest."

"She's still a child…" Komui moaned again. This couldn't be real; he hoped his mind had drifted off and he was really still sitting at his desk in the science department.

"Sometimes all we can do is trust in God…" Tiedoll said gently.

"I don't believe in your god!" Komui snapped back.

The man still smiled, not the least bit insulted. "That's alright… He believes in you." Something in the way the man spoke made Komui's stomach knot. As always the General sounded so sure of himself. "God is a difficult subject here… I always thought that was odd since we are under the jurisdiction of Mother Church. Hardly anyone believes here, so there's no pressure for faith. If you're ever interested in knowing our Lord, ask away. I lead Mass on Sunday mornings whenever I'm here." Komui looked at him without understanding. Tiedoll smiled pleasantly. "You didn't know? I was a priest long before I became an Exorcist. I think I'm one of the only ones in the Order."

"I know a little bit about your god…" Komui mumbled, not wanting to seem completely uninformed. A good supervisor should know something of everything he told himself. The General smiled encouragingly so he stumbled through the explanation of Christmas as Misha had given it and the first few words of the Lord's Prayer.

"That's wonderful." The kind smile on the General's face made Komui nervous. He couldn't quite tell if the man was making fun of him or not. "Who was teaching you? They did a very good job."

Komui didn't answer. He kept his time with Misha secret; it didn't feel like something he should share. "Wait… you said there were two things we needed to talk about. I don't think religion was one of them."

The General sighed. "It's gotten around to the higher ups that you are indeed Lenalee's brother. They want to test you for compatibility." He leaned back in his chair. "This is just my advice now… go to Heb and get tested; don't wait for them to order you. They will be less likely to make a big deal of it if you take the initiative and can say 'I'm not compatible. I already checked.' When they bring it up."

Komui nodded numbly. It was just one more thing to do. He added it to his mental list just as his stomach growled loudly.

General Tiedoll chuckled. "Go have lunch, son. We need your brain working full steam." Komui smiled weakly and left.

He didn't go to the cafeteria, instead he ignored the gnawing in his stomach and went back to his work station. Everyone was gone. The silence of the room helped him relax and get something done. He fiddled with a set of gears and tried to make something vaguely spider-shaped walk across his desk for the fun of it. He was of half a mind to try and make a robot. The little set of spider legs gave out and he decided that maybe he did need food.

The dining hall was full, staff, Finders and the occasional black suited Exorcist all talking and eating at their tables. Komui looked around miserably for an empty place. He didn't feel comfortable being around so many people; he just wanted to eat quickly and get out.

"Hey!" a voice called out over the general din of the massive room. "Komui! Over here!" it was the glasses boy, standing on his chair and waving. Komui looked around as if there could be anyone else with the same name, sure that the boy didn't mean him. Weakly, he pointed to himself to make sure. "Yeah, I… _we_ saved you a seat!"

Komui ignored the people looking at him as he walked over to the table. Setting his tray down, he tried again to remember the glasses boy's name. "Thank you…" the boy smiled and straightened his shirt. He proudly showed a name tag with 'JOHNNY' printed on it in big letters, under was phonetic Chinese characters. "Johnny." Komui said with relief. Johnny gestured to everyone else at the table. They all wore nametags written in Johnny's bold print. Komui read each of them and thanked them personally for letting him sit with them.

As usual the Australian ignored him. He had obviously refused Johnny's nametag efforts. Of the entire science department, he was the only one who seemed to directly take offence to Komui's existence. For reasons unknown he hated him. Komui stayed out of his way.

"So…" Johnny started uncertainly. "Did you really make that custard farting robot in the kitchen?"

"Yeah." Komui smiled nervously. An invisible dam burst amongst the table and he was suddenly flooded with questions of every topic.

"Did you come up with the new Talisman design?"

"Are you really Lenalee's brother?"

"What _was_ all that purple smoke from?"

"Did you really work with Petrova? Was she as scary as everyone says?"

Komui laughed and happily answered everything asked of him. It was something like a conversation and it made him smile. Despite all the bad news he'd heard today, his mood brightened considerably. At least they were talking to him.

"Here's a question for you…" the Australian stood abruptly. "Did you get to Central by your talent as a scientist?" he glared at Komui. "Or by your talent sucking cock?"

The table fell silent. They had all heard the rumors. Komui didn't answer, he couldn't.


	15. Chapter 15

Yeah, I'm alive. This story is getting towards the end, so I guess I've just been avoiding posting for ages... as if I'll suddenly come up with something to draw it out longer. Ah well. At least I can give you all two chapters tonight.

Warning for this chapter: contains some language and the world's most (purposely) awkward sex scene. Its not terribly graphic, but deserves a warning none the less.

* * *

"What is your problem?" Komui tried screaming again. It didn't work the first time and he didn't expect it to work now; Reever was not answering. Weeks of petty antagonizing had finally boiled over and turned to real physical fighting after they had been assigned to work on new uniform designs together.

"You!" the younger man shouted back. "You are my problem!" Reever shoved him hard against the wall. Komui's head slammed painfully against the stones and stars flashed before his eyes.

"What did I do?" he slurred, still dazed from the impact. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You're here!" he hissed. "That's enough… you just being here pisses me off!" he slammed him against the wall again for emphasis. "People like you…" he growled. "Are _filth_… and shouldn't be allowed in the Order."

"What did I do to you?" Komui gagged as he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted copper. _This man is impossible…_

"God! You don't even know what you did! That's even worse…" Reever glared at him in disgust; Komui straightened in his place on the wall. He wasn't going to let himself be cowed. "You want to know what you did?" the man was three years younger than Komui and much stronger. If it ever came to anything worse than this mild struggle, Komui knew who was going to win.

Reever's face was close enough to smell the tobacco on his breath. "You replaced me. That's what you did… you fucked your way into this department. _My_ department. You didn't _work_ to get here. I did. I worked my ass off to get where I am. I was next in line for Supervisor." He gripped Komui's collar with both hands. "I was next and you waltz in here and ruin everything. I hate people like you…"

"Oh. Is that all?" Komui grinned, the edges of his mind fraying slightly. He started to laugh. "You're mad because I'm a better scientist than you?"

"You're no scientist! You think this is funny?" Reever raged. "Have you no shame? Everyone knows what you did to get here!"

"Let them know!" Komui laughed harder, the angrier the other got the more absurdly funny everything seemed. "I don't care! I wanted to get here and I did what I had to… I know, you know, let everyone know, I don't care!" he grinned madly and closed the distance between them. "Feel left out?" Komui ghosted his fingers over Reever's stomach, making him jump. "Is that what this is about? That I fucked all our superiors and not you?" he gripped the man's belt and tugged slightly; their faces only inches apart. "I can fix that… right now, right here in the hallway if you want."

Reever jumped back as if he'd been burned. "You're sick…" Komui laughed wildly. "I want nothing to do with you, bastard."

"Too bad!" Komui near giggled. "You are stuck with me. So, I want to see the uniform designs you come up with tonight on my desk tomorrow… then we can compare and combine the best features…"

"Shut up!" Reever turned and stalked down the hall. "I'm not working with you. I'll do it myself… why don't you just go make another one of those stupid robots?"

Komui let him go; the smile vanished from his face as if it had never been there. He had nothing against the other man, but if he was going to be an obstacle he would pay for it. Komui would step back, let him design the uniform and when he was finished Komui would tear it down. He'd expose every flaw and enjoy doing it.

For now he let his remaining anger drain away like water through a sieve and wandered down the hall searching for a clock. He was fairly sure Lenalee was going into the field today and he promised to be there to see her safely off. He settled by the main gate to wait for her before ever locating a timepiece. Time wasn't his strong point; he didn't even remember what time she was supposed to go. His loose plan consisted of camping out by the gate until he saw her.

Komui frowned hard as he sat. Reever had messed up his coat. Thankfully, Lenalee hadn't heard any of the rumors about him. The young were usually spared from the worst of the adult gossip. All Reever would have had to do was threaten to tell her and he would have caved to any demands made of him. He couldn't let her know how far he'd gone to get to her. She was the only one he had left to love. She was the only one who could possibly love him back.

He honestly couldn't think of anyone else who could care whether he lived or died. It made him feel slightly lonely, but he pushed it aside. He was here for Lenalee; it didn't matter what he felt. Everything was for her now. Guiltily his mind drifted. _I have been loved, just that is enough… my parents loved me, Petrova loved me and Xiang loved me before that…_ He sat up abruptly at the thought of the other boy. Xiang, who he had tried so hard to banish from memory and convince himself that he was just a figure born of his loneliness at school and imagination, was the one responsible for teaching him how to do all the things that he had done to secure his position in the Order. Settling back again, Komui did something he hadn't allowed himself to do in years; he willingly let himself remember Xiang.

In the three weeks they spent together at Komui's parents' home before the horror of That Day, they had experimented. Komui had been positive that he could help the smile return back to Xiang's face. He was sure that he could help him find his pleasure amid the mass of scar tissue his mother had left him with and with that pleasure Xiang would be complete again.

Komui built up his confidence and took action. Xiang had been crying nightly, miserable in his mutilated body. It was killing them both. Komui held him, only slipping away in the morning before his parents could catch them together. On the day he decided to act he crept up behind the other boy as he was brushing his long hair. He wrapped his arms about him and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Today." he promised.

"Today what?" Xiang paused, brush still midair and smiled that odd, false half smile of his. The smile that he used to pretend he was ok.

"Today my Mother is taking Lenalee to shop for a new bolt of silk in town and then dining with one of her friends. My Father is going to hear a lecture from some traveling scholar; they'll all be gone for the whole evening." Komui mumbled against his skin. "They won't be back for hours. We're going to go to the bath house on the edge of my family's land. It's private there. We can take our time. We'll find a way..." Komui's hand settled on Xiang's bony hip; for all his bold words, he was scared to go further. "To make you complete."

"Why?" Xiang was shaking, a sad mix of fear and hope on his pale face. "You actually want to try?" He turned his head fast and caught Komui's lips in a desperate kiss. "I disgust you…" he mused. "But you still try."

"What else can I do?" Komui was convinced he could save him. "I love you." It wasn't love. It was destructive.

After everyone left the house; the boys walked together on the thin winding path through the green rice paddies of the Lee family lands. Komui was too nervous to really speak, but their fingers stayed gently entwined.

"You don't have to do this." Xiang held him back, hesitating outside the stone and wood structure of the bathhouse. It was an old and small building, hastily constructed years ago over a natural spring. Komui went to the side furnace to stir the ashes and add more wood to heat the baths. "You can change your mind..."

"No..." He closed the furnace door with a metallic clang. "Its fine." Komui ventured a weak smile. "This is for you..."

Xiang nervously bit his fingernail and spoke softly. "Will you take me?" Komui swallowed hard; his mouth was horribly dry and his stomach knotted. "Komui, will you take me?"

"I don't know..." He answered carefully. "Is that what you want? If that's what you really want... I... I don't know." He held the door open for Xiang and shut it behind them.

The bathhouse was fairly small, dim but not dark. High, tiny windows afforded privacy and let in thin shafts of delicate light. The main tub was the same stone as the floor and built around the small spring. Pipes set in the floor brought in heat from the furnace and created a soft haze of steam. It wasn't fancy, but it was calming and comfortable. Komui breathed deep and felt himself relax slightly in the familiar space. His family and he had bathed here together many times before. It was a comforting place. He stripped quickly and stuffed his clothing into one of the storage baskets. He tried to ignore the soft rustle of fabric as Xiang did the same.

He filled two washbasins with hot water from the main tub, passed one to Xiang and they washed together silent but for the sounds of water, neither looking at the other. They had bathed together before, but it had never been so awkward as it was now. "Wash my back?" Xiang broke the tense quiet. Komui turned to him.

Xiang's pale back was attractive enough to make Komui blush. His long glossy hair was twisted up and piled loosely atop his head, a washcloth draped over one shoulder waiting for Komui to take it. _Is he doing that on purpose?_ Komui wondered, staring at the bones of his spine moving under his skin as he shifted nervously. _Maybe this won't be so difficult... he is lovely, in an odd kind of way_.

"Alright." Komui dragged his little bath stool to him and took up the washcloth. Xiang sighed as he ran it in circles over his back._ I can do this for him..._ He assured himself. _This will help him... I want him to be better. I have to make him better if he's going to wed Lenalee someday. This is for her too...she deserves better than this mess._

Xiang leaned back and turned his head just enough to catch Komui's cheek. "This is nice... thank you..."

Komui took a steadying breath. "How do I... um... we start this?"

"Oh, how romantic!" Xiang exclaimed and then did something completely unexpected. He laughed. Hard. Komui felt his face heat from embarrassment as he watched the pale shoulders in front of him shake with the force of his laughter. His hair spilled from its place atop his head coming down in long strands on his back and across his face. For a moment, the Xiang he loved had returned and they both chuckled at the absurdity of the situation.

"Lay down on the floor..." his lips set into a soft smile. "Make yourself comfortable and I'll show you how to start." Komui was frozen and Xiang's smile faded slightly. "If you want to back out..." he tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "Now would be the time... I won't be mad. This was your idea to come here and try this though."

Komui could clearly see he would be devastated if he was rejected again. _No... no more fooling around. I can do this._ "Its fine. I want to..." He leaned in for a quick chaste kiss. "For a second there..." he breathed in the youth's clean skin, so different now than what it had been the day he dragged his butchered figure into their dormitory room. "When you smiled, I saw the real Xiang again." Shifting and pushing the bath stool away he settled onto the damp stone of the floor. It was warm and smooth. "Show me how to bring you back."

The smile returned to Xiang's face. He quickly set his washcloth over his groin, hiding his scars from view, before laying down beside him. "Relax..." he soothed and ran his fingers through Komui's hair. "It's kind of funny... here I am trying to comfort you. Its always been the other way around since then."

"I'm nervous." Komui admitted bluntly. He had planned this, carefully setting his mind to getting them alone and to the bathhouse. Now that they were here he really didn't have any idea how to proceed. "You... umm, have more experience in this kind of thing... I don't know... how do we?"

"Don't worry about it..." Xiang curled around him, just like he did every night he'd creep into Komui's bed. Only now it was made far more intimate by the missing barrier of fabric. The soft press of damp skin against his own was somehow oddly thrilling. "I know what I'm doing. I'll lead..." Komui could feel him smile against his neck. "Until you feel like taking control."

With that Xiang's hands were on him, gently tracing invisible lines across his chest. The youth propped himself up on his elbow to better watch as he let hand move further downwards. Komui bit his lip, afraid to make a sound, afraid to let himself enjoy what Xiang was doing.

A warm hand rested on his stomach, rubbing tiny circles, giving Komui time to become used to it. "I'm sorry..." Xiang murmured. "I know this is weird." Komui shut his eyes tight and nodded slightly. It was surreal; he was naked and already half hard in front of his best friend. "Would you believe... I've dreamed of doing this kind of thing with you for so long, ever since the first time I kissed you. You didn't push me away then..." his fingertips danced slightly lower, just brushing the first few course hairs between his legs. Komui felt a bright twinge of excitement jolt through him. "Don't push me away now."

He covered his face with his hands in embarrassment. He believed in having control over ones baser instincts. He had never allowed Xiang to excite him; he had never let anyone touch him before. It was taking all his willpower to lie still and let things happen. _This is for Xiang... you're doing this for Xiang... _ he reminded himself. He gave an undignified squeak as Xiang finally took him in his hand.

"Heh..." Xiang's laugh was almost like his old one. "Relax, Komui..." his hand moved slowly, coaxing the small spark of pleasure into something brighter and much hotter. "I'm not going to pull it off or anything..." He tightened his grip slightly, forcing a groan from Komui. "You have to tell me what you like."

"Th-this is fine..." he stuttered. _Xiang is touching me... aah! What am I supposed to do?_ He grit his teeth and let his hips snap upwards to meet Xiang's hand. _This is alright..._ he thought with relief. _Not so different than my own hand... not so bad..._

Xiang praised him in between quick kisses that led to licks and soft bites. Gripping hard to stop Komui from moving when he was too close to finding his rhythm. "Slow down. Let me show you something better..."

Panting slightly, Komui tried to sit up as he felt Xiang shift lower, feathering kisses down his stomach. His addled brain was slowly trying to figure out what could possibly be better than those soft wonderful hands gripping him so tightly. "You really are a complete virgin... aren't you?" The youth looked up at him and smiled, his hot breath tickling. "That makes me happy... I'm honored to be the first one here..." He nuzzled him like a cat before running his wet tongue from base to tip of Komui's sensitive flesh.

Oh... that was better. Komui's toes curled and he nearly came undone right there. Xiang swallowed him. Oh... so much better. Slowly, his legs parted as if under the control of someone else, allowing for better access. Hot. His hand quickly tangled in the youth's hair, not sure if he should push him away or hold him in place. Wet. He didn't need to do either. Xiang was moving enough on his own. Wonderful.

Xiang's enthusiasm and his own inexperience ensured that he didn't last long. Fantastic pressure was building through his body, every nerve singing with pleasure. "Xiang..." he tried to growl out a warning, distantly embarrassed to be finishing so quickly. He felt him hum an acknowledgment but he didn't move away. He didn't move away as bliss washed over Komui and his vision went white.

"Sorry..." he gasped as Xiang rolled off of his legs. "I didn't..."

"No..." Xiang moved in to press their lips together. He tasted bitter; Komui fought the urge to recoil violently at the faint taste of himself. "I was ready... its fine." he flashed a pleased smile, obviously proud of his work.

"That's gross..."

"Not if its yours..." his smile faltered slightly, but held. "You're the only one I'll ever do that for..." he buried his face against Komui's chest. They embraced in an awkward tangle of limbs. "Only you. That's how much I love you."

Komui swallowed back the knot in his throat. He hated the flavor Xiang left on his lips. It was repulsive. They had just done something disgusting and Xiang truly loved him. He sighed; this experiment was why they came out here. It was disgusting and it had felt very good. _It's done..._ he thought almost miserably. _This isn't about me... too late to take it back now anyways._

Boldly he reached down to grip Xiang's backside, earning a surprised but pleased squeak. It was soft, warm. Xiang pressed himself against him, sliding his thigh between his. "Are you rested, already?" slim eager hands moved confidently over his skin. "Would you like me to do it again?"

"I'm good." he caught his hands before they dipped too low and reignited the still smoldering embers of passion. "That was good." Komui sat up and brought the boy with him. Somehow Xiang end up sitting on his lap, his bones digging into Komui's legs unpleasantly. "I think... we came here to find your pleasure, didn't we?"

"That was my pleasure. Having you to do this kind of thing with... that's enough." Xiang leaned forward and molded himself against him as if he was trying to sink in through his skin. "It has to be enough because I can't... I can feel, but I have nothing. But making you... all I can do is give and I think that will be enough."

"We should at least try." His hand crept down to the washcloth Xiang had magically managed to keep in place. "Let me see?" He rolled the edge of the fabric between his fingers, soft terrycloth. Carefully he pulled it away, making Xiang shiver and keen softly. "It's alright... I let you so now you can let me, right?" he kissed him. "Let me look."

"Will it make you happy?" he asked softly.

"Very." _I'm doing this for you... if this is what I have to do to bring the old Xiang back, I'll do it... _

Xiang pushed away from him, his hands quickly covering his scars. He retrieved his bath stool and set it before him. With a shaky breath he sat and slowly let his legs fall open.

Komui's own body ached with sympathy and he had to fight to not cringe. What was done to the boy really was criminal. "My poor Xiang..." he whispered as he shifted forward, carefully touching his tense leg. An almost clinical curiosity made him want to look in detail, examine and check for sensation. _I suppose that's what I'm here to do._ His hand inched closer; he looked in Xiang's eyes for permission to continue.

"Go ahead..." Xiang nervously chewed his bottom lip. "Just... careful. I'm... umm, it's unpleasant... my body is disgusting."

His shaky voice made Komui pause. "No its not... its fine. You're fine."He wrapped his arms around his waist and planted a gentle kiss against his stomach. He tasted of soap and sweat. "Come on, your turn to relax..." Xiang's knees pressed in on his sides, holding him there. He swooped down, grabbing his face with both hands and kissed him hard.

Carefully staying above the waist, Komui tried to copy what Xiang had done with him. He had no other point of reference to go on. Xiang whimpered as he explored the faint muscles over his delicate ribs, rubbing the sensitive places he found there. Komui smiled despite himself. _I'm the one making him make those sounds._ Something in that voice made his blood pool. _This isn't so difficult..._

"Ah!" Slender hands covered his own, helping to move them, guiding him. "Komui..." his sigh was beautiful. "You don't have to go any further... I'm happy with this."

"I'm not..." Komui's hand drifted lower, almost touching the space where his scars began. The boy froze. _I can't believe I'm doing this... what choice do I really have? Look at him, really look. He feels... nice. His mouth... it was nice. He wants me... if I keep working at it, maybe I can want him back._ "I want you to see you can still have pleasure here."

In the bath house, all evening, he tried to prove it. Komui left much dirtier than when he entered.

_Lenalee would be disgusted by all the things I've done…_ he thought miserably. He was disgusted by it; every time he smiled as he willingly went down on his knees or spread his legs in exchange for favors, even all the conditioning he forced himself to do in order to train his body for such activities. His stomach roiled and for a moment he wondered if he'd be sick right there in the hall. _No…_ he forced himself to sit up straight. Komui would not be ashamed; disgusted yes but not ashamed. Such feelings would get him nowhere. He did what was necessary to get here and no more. If Lenalee found out, then he would deal with it. It was just that simple.

He sighed and glanced down at trousers that were suddenly a bit too tight. _Dammit..._ His body had reacted far too favorably to his thoughts. _I should just carry a book or a clipboard or something..._

"Heh... Scientist." a gruff voice startled him back to reality. "That a test tube in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Hovering above him was the newly ordained General and already infamous Cross Marion.


	16. Chapter 16

Part 2 of a two part update.

Warnings for this chapter: language and General Cross

* * *

"I'm waiting to see my sister..." Komui lamely replied to the imposing General towering over him.

"In that state?" Cross chuckled. It was a dark sound. "Not on my watch. That girl is one of the sweet delicate flowers of the Order. On my honor as a General I will defend that flower until she is old enough pluck..." his smirk darkened. "And then, God willing, I will pluck her good."

Komui flushed with anger and stood. "Bastard!" _What am I doing? This is a General!_

"Calm down..." The General raised his hands in halfhearted appeasement. "I just said she was too young. I'm an honorable man...I can wait." He stared at Komui with an intensity that made him uncomfortable. "You, on the other hand...probably can't. Clearly must have some sort of sister complex." he turned and began walking away, heavy boots thudding ominously in the stone hall. "Let's go to my quarters and take care of your little problem."

It wasn't a suggestion. Komui knew an order when he heard one. Frowning hard and walking somewhat awkwardly he followed the man. The last thing he needed was to have a General making his life more difficult than it was.

The dull steady thudding of heavy boots led him through the Order's winding stone halls and up the stairs. He followed a circuitous route along the paths least used for daily traffic. General Cross didn't want to be seen with him. Not that it would matter; they both seemed to have reputations. Komui held his head high and tried to look like he was following by choice and not command.

They stopped in one of the upper residence halls and the man in the half mask held open one of the large double doors to his quarters. "Hurry up then..."

Komui's jaw clenched, but he walked forward into the dark room anyway. It was surprisingly lavish for someone who spent as little time at Central as the nomadic Cross Marion. A loud thunk-click told him the door behind him was now locked. _I shouldn't have snapped at him... this man could ruin me. I need to fix this..._ They were alone now.

The Exorcist strode past him already removing his coat and revealing a ruffled shirt that would easily be considered feminine on anybody else. On him the flouncy fabric could just as easily be there solely to soak up extra blood as it could be there for decoration.

_How can I use this man to my advantage..._ his mind raced. The General already had a reputation for fucking anything with a pulse and, if the more disturbing rumors were true, even that was optional. So, blackmailing him probably wasn't an option. _If he enjoys me..._ the thought made him shudder. _Maybe I can trade myself for favors... he could offer protection to Lenalee. Maybe introduce me or put in a good word for me to the higher ups... help me further my ambitions. I can use him._ He decided resolutely. _There are worse things than being the lover of someone with power..._

"Take off your clothes." the order came gruff and annoyed. Komui quickly began unfastening the buttons of his white lab coat. "Stop wasting time already... don't have all day." He ignored the man as he went around the room and lit the gas lamps.

_So... he wants the lights on?_ Komui tried not to frown as he shrugged out of his shirt and let it fall to the floor. Lights on meant he would probably need to act a bit. His hands paused on his belt, steeling himself. Letting the buckle dangle he toed off his shoes instead. _I don't want this..._

"God, you're slow." Cross remarked. He was across the room setting his small dining table with a bottle of wine and a single glass. "You need help over there?"

"No, I've got it..." Komui answered dully. It was time to stop stalling. He stepped out of his pants and stared down at himself. He didn't like what he saw. He was thin, pale and sickly, little more than a spindly frame supporting his bright mind. He was surprised that others would ever find his body desirable. The little problem tenting his boxers was still there. He hated his body. None of this would have happened if he hadn't let his mind wander to his imaginary dalliances with a boy who didn't even exist. He never existed. Petrova was his first, because Xiang wasn't real. _But... if he wasn't real then where did I learn how to do these things..._

Hands landed on his shoulders, hard enough to make him jump and startle him back to reality from where his mind was drifting. "Good enough." He was steered forward, tripping slightly over his discarded clothes. The General chuckled. "Careful now..." He maneuvered him into the bathroom.

Komui stared hard at the oversized bathtub. _In here then?_ Shame, after this he wondered if he would ever enjoy a bath again. In a flash, powerful hands were yanking off his last remaining bit of clothing. A hard shove between his shoulder blades sent him practically crashing into the tub. The General was laughing as he reached in to turn on the shower head. Icy water poured over him. Komui screamed at the shock.

"There you go..." the General stepped back, seeming to enjoy the sight of Komui shivering and flailing to escape the spray. "Problem solved." He turned and lazily wandered his way back to pick up the now freezing scientist's clothes. "Turn it up once you've calmed down a bit." He tossed them on the bathroom floor. "Warm up and get dressed... come out when you're ready."

Komui waited till the man left and almost frantically grabbed the knob. Warm water slowly replaced freezing. He sighed, slightly relieved. _Didn't see that coming..._ He relaxed into the water and let it work some of the tension out of his muscles. Switching off the faucet he grabbed a towel and dried quickly. He got the impression that the General wasn't one to be kept waiting for any reason.

Fully redressed, he found Cross sprawled across a chair, drinking directly and deeply from the bottle he had set out earlier. "Want some?" He offered.

"Not really."

"Come on, sit..." He kicked a chair over. "Have a drink anyways."

"You didn't do anything..." he remarked carefully as he took the offered chair and pulled it up to the table.

Cross paused mid drink. "What?" One eyebrow arched. "You're not... disappointed... are you?" His mouth twitched in what might have been a smile, but just as easily could have been a leer. Again he looked Komui over. "You're not really my type... not my type today anyways... your sweet little sister on the other hand..."

"No."

"Hey..." he said around another gulp of wine. "I'm a fucking gentleman, remember?" He grabbed the single lonely wine glass on the table and filled it from the same bottle. "Here." he passed it over. "Cheers Scientist."

Komui toyed with the stem but didn't drink. "I'm good..." _When does Lenalee leave again? I need to go see her off..._ He glanced at the heavy door.

Cross slammed his bottle down. "No. Drink." It was another order. "I can't talk serious while sober..." He stared at the dark glass, as if pondering some mystery inside it. "Don't worry about time either. You have your dates wrong, she not leaving today. No Field Missions are scheduled this week. The buzz around Central is that you're aiming for Supervisor, maybe even higher... good for you. This place needs fresh blood to flush out some of the shit." He smirked sarcastically. "I suppose you're going to change things right?"

"That's the idea." Komui again answered carefully; the General was intimidating. _How much should I say? Can he be trusted... can I still use him?_

"I've seen some of your work..." Cross sipped casually. "That custard farting robot in the kitchen... brilliant. And I've got all the Finders in my command using the redesigned Talismans now too. You've kept a few of them alive..." he scowled at his bottle as if it had just insulted him. "Your bosses _hate_ it. Your Talismans cost twice as much to make..."

"I'll make them cheaper then." Komui kept his eyes on the table, not sure if he should be watching the man drink himself into a stupor. He could build them better and cheaper than anyone if that was what was needed.

"Doesn't matter... they're cheap-ass bastards. Replacing Finders is less costly to them. Amazing farting robot though. I like that one. Ever thought of making more? Maybe a nice... womanly type of robot?"

It was Komui's turn to smile. "Sir... if I did that, you would never leave your room." Cross glared at him, before breaking into a rough laugh.

"I like you Scientist... check out the gold golum over there. Ever seen anything like that?"

Komui stood and approached the small workbench by the window. Tiny gold gears littered its surface. He squinted and adjusted his spectacles. "No..." he said in amazement. Even at a glance he could tell they were superior to any of the Order's standard communication golums. "I haven't... where did you get these parts?" They were beautiful little bits of machinery, delicate and almost organic in design.

"Don't touch them..." Cross warned as Komui's fingers inched closer. "I'm still working on it... here's your quiz. Could you duplicate it?"

Komui frowned at a particularly elegant gear. He couldn't. This was engineering on a wholly different level. "Not with what I have in the lab...given time and better materials, I could come close. It would be an adequate copy, but nowhere near this." He squinted, mentally assembling the gold machine. The pieces would fit naturally and logically, much better than anything he'd ever designed. Komui fought a sting of jealously. A slight shiver of movement, short as a blink caught his eye. He gasped and looked back at the General. "Its alive isn't it?"

"It's as good as alive... or will be when I'm finished. I figured you might get it. Good job boy."

"That isn't Order technology." Komui slid back into his seat, wishing he had his notebook to draw the little golden machine.

"No. It isn't."

"You didn't make it."

"No. I didn't. I'm just finishing it."

"Can I meet the designer?"

"You wouldn't want to. He's... not a fan of the Order. I'm sure my association with him is going to come back and bite me in the ass some day..."

They sat in silence while the red haired man finished off the bottle and opened a new one. He sloshed a little more into Komui's already full glass.

"So..." the General tilted his chair back, rocking on its back legs and searching for another topic of conversation. "What are you working on now?"

"I'm supposed to help redesign the uniforms." he left out how he was also supposed to be working with Reever.

"Test fabrics against Innocence based weapons...its not exact but it'll give you an idea of how it will fare against an Akuma's."

Komui nodded. It was a good idea. He'd skimmed some of records from the General's time in the science department. The man knew what he was talking about. Komui was fairly sure, based on the many crudely carved images of breasts on his desk, that he had inherited the man's old workstation as well.

"You need to distance yourself from your sister..."

"Wha..." Komui started to interrupt.

"No." The General snapped loudly, his speech slurring slightly and his face serious. "I know you love her... now, I don't like telling others who or what to love or any of that shit. I don't care. None of my business unless you want me to join in..." He rocked the bottle in little circles across the table as he spoke. "And for her I would gladly join in whatever weird party you'd like to throw." Blinking slowly, the General was clearly imagining something _very_ weird. "Other people, however will care... someone will complain that she's distracting you... keeping you from doing your work."

"It's not like that..." Komui objected. It sounded weak.

"Doesn't matter. People do crazy things when family is concerned. Wanna hear a horror story?" he grinned lopsidedly and chugged his alcohol. His was drunk; Komui was sure of it. "Once upon a time a lovely little girl came to the Order. She was very powerful... compatibility ran in her family. Her big brother followed her here to protect her. They were always together. They shared quarters." His smile faded and he drank again. "They... _found comfort_ in each other."

Komui finally took up his glass. He was pretty sure how this story was going to end. The wine burned his throat.

"I was still with the Science Dept. at the time, ah my stupid and naïve days... saw the whole damned drama unfold." His eye was firmly on his bottle, lost in his memories. "Beautiful little girl... just little sister and big brother against the world. Watching them holding hands through the hallways... it was like seeing something right with this shitty place. She was young, fourteen maybe and he... _he should have known better!_ They kept it a secret until she was too far along to hide her growing little stomach. I was at my desk when he came in to ask my supervisor for help. He wanted to get rid of it or if it was too late for that... and it was... to sneak the girl out so she could have it in peace."

"What happened?"

"Sent her to the Asian Branch where she had the kid... the Second Exorcist Program was still going strong back then." He leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. "The things they did to her... to the baby. It was criminal... the things they did. Neither really survived it all. A child of two Exorcists, both from a family full of Accommodators. Too valuable an experiment to be let go. When the boy found out what was done... being done to his little sister and their sin, he hung himself... damn coward."

Komui nearly poured the rest of his drink down his throat. "Why?" his voice came out low, almost harsh. "Why are you telling me this?"

The General sat up straight, all signs of drunkenness gone as if it was an act. It probably was. "If you want to change the Black Order you need to know what you're up against and just how deep it goes. All the filth, all the corruption and all the innocents lost to Innocence. Study the records in the upper floor of the science library; everything is there in dry, specific, _painful_ detail... the utter madness of Lab 6, the Second Exorcist program and all the experiments for creating New Apostles . Shit that's _still happening_ despite all the evidence that it will never work. Life is incredibly cheap here. Victory at any cost... damn the consequences and fuck those who get in the way."

"If you hate the Order so much General, why are you still here?" Komui asked quietly. "If they are so wrong why haven't you left?"

He stood and stalked to the golden gears on the work table, lifting one gently. "The Order was founded to collect Innocence, protect the Heart and save the world. I can get behind that... its something that needs to be done. The ladies love a hero. But, we can't find the Heart... hell, half the idiots here couldn't even find their own assholes with both hands and a map." He caressed the little gear almost tenderly with his fingertips.

"The whole Order has turned into a piss poor system, a bureaucracy bloated with power hungry arrogant bastards. A mess of a few families linked with the Papacy for centuries... stagnant people so comfortable with their position that they aren't even trying. Winning would mean losing that position. Old men too scared to act ... a poor way of trying to achieve victory over the Earl. And sure I'm here now, but..." He smiled at the gear. The metal seemed to shiver in response, reacting like a living thing. "Don't think for a second that I'm not hedging my bets."

"Hedging you bets?" Komui echoed back. Although he now considered himself fluent in English, he still wasn't familiar with all the many turns of phrase.

Cross faced him, his face as unreadable as the mask he wore. "Taking steps to prepare, Scientist."

"For what?"

"In case we're the ones who are wrong." He walked to the door and unfastened the lock. "Tell no one, but I suggest you do the same... we're done here." He returned to his wine bottle and dropped down on his bed. "Get out."


	17. Chapter 17

First part of a multiple part update... gee it only took me what? a few years or so to get this off my computer? well, i hate to leave things unfinished. so, i'll try to get this and sigh other things completed. thanks to everyone who has hung in there.

* * *

"I can't stand this..." Komui fidgeted in his seat, finding it impossible to sit still. Lenalee was little more than an hour into her first field mission and already, he was going crazy. The sight of her clad in her traveling cloak, standing in the doorway shifting her heavy suitcase to nervously wave him goodbye was burned into his mind. Komui had kept a brave smile and waved cheerfully. He promised to be the first to welcome her home upon her return. That made it official. The Black Order was officially their home now.

"Relax." General Tiedoll passed him a steaming cup of tea. "I wouldn't have let her go unless I was sure she'd be fine." The General was supposed to be with his team, but another Kanda related mishap had left him on crutches. "My cute little Yu and Noise Marie are with her... they won't let anything happen." he smiled peacefully and sipped from his own cup. "Besides, its just a scouting mission... no combat, just reconnaissance."

Komui mumbled sourly and tried the tea. It was spiked with something that warmed him all the way down. "I'd still feel better if you were with her." If he'd had his way dear Lenalee wouldn't leave Central without at least two Generals, not the madman Zoco- whatever-his-name-was or the pervert Cross, and an entire company of Finders.

"Me too... but things as they are." he shrugged. "It can't be helped, so the least I can do is keep you occupied till something else takes your attention." His calmness was infuriating. "Where did we leave off in your religious instruction?"

"You were trying to explain sainthood... and I kept going back to the part about martyrdom." Komui scowled. He was conflicted about the whole subject, but doing his best to learn it. A search of the Order's regulations as handed down by the Vatican had recently revealed that he would never advance past Section Chief unless he was Baptized, Confirmed and able to partake in Holy Communion. The Holy Father would not suffer outright pagans in his organization.

He was ready to go through the motions, just like many of the others in the Order; Komui had worked too hard to be held back because of something like that. Tiedoll had hastily officiated his Baptism ceremony in the bathroom sink and offered to be his tutor for the next steps as well.

"Piety, miracles and a horrible death... I don't get it... peace, love and horrible death. Everything comes back to death; I get the feeling that your whole religion is little more than a death cult. Isn't there any thing pleasant we can chat about instead?"

Tiedoll smiled again. "There's always something else... are you and Reever still at each others throats?" He chuckled gently. "He'll come around eventually. Hurt pride can take awhile to heal..."

Komui managed to return the smile this time. "He's fine... still doesn't like me much, but I don't need him to like me... just work with me. Its about saving lives, both Exorcists and Finders, not... not all that other stuff." He found his grin growing savage. "It was pretty satisfying though."

Komui's uniform designs were now in production. Reever's were not. He had sat quietly while the man presented his work to the higher ups. When he had finished, Komui went to the chalkboard and calmly dissected his designs. The fabric wasn't strong enough; he brought in the eternally bad tempered Kanda Yu who was more than willing to slice things to demonstrate. He pointed out all the construction flaws as Reever turned increasingly pale.

Just as he opened his mouth to defend himself, Komui smiled and raised a hand. "This..." he announced. "Is the problem with giving us less than a week to completely redesign an Exorcist's uniform." he gestured to the pile of fabric on the floor. "It's not a simple thing. We arranged this demonstration to show you how much needs to be considered in a project this big. We can't just churn out a product without proper time and funding for research and development. An Exorcist's life may one day depend on his uniform. We owe it to them to do better."

Reever caught on quickly and easily followed his lead. After an hour of discussion, several calls and reports, they had earned the science department an extra allotment of funding.

When they had left the meeting room, Reever gave him a quick nod of approval. "So you just had to embarrass me... but you didn't discredit me in front of them. You... somehow made us both look good..." He sighed, so jaded for someone his age. "Did you mean that? About owing it to the Exorcists?" He had never seen someone talk with such naive cliches so sincerely.

"Yes." Komui had looked serious. "Our duty is to save lives. I _will_ become Supervisor and I _will_ change the Order. Work with me. I need you and the rest of the science department to keep me focused."

"I still think you're a bastard."

"That's fine... if I'm a bastard that will make things easier." Komui caught his gaze and held it. "When I'm Supervisor I'll need you as Section Chief. It will be your job to disagree with me. I'll need you to find fault with everything I do, pick apart everything I make. Find my every mistake and flaw. Point out every variable I miss and every factor I might overlook. It will keep small problems from becoming big ones later. We'll get better research and better results that way."

"A promotion to Section Chief, huh?" He had looked away with a scowl. "And I get to tear up your work?" he turned and began walking away, lighting up a cigarette and taking a long drag as he went. "For the sake of saving lives? This might be workable."

Komui was quite pleased with how seriously Reever took him up with the task. The whole department was becoming more productive.

The General propped his sore limb up on his footstool. "I'm sure all your recent work hasn't gone unnoticed too. I've also heard that the our current dear Supervisor is looking to move closer to Rome and join up with one of the Inspectors there." He slid deeper into his chair. "For what its worth, I'm happy to recommend you as her replacement."

"Thank you." Komui found himself relaxing as well. Whatever was in his spiked tea was hitting him like a brick. It felt as if his body and mind were one large tangled knot and it was just now finally starting to loosen. "Endorsement from one of the Generals is worth a lot... I know General Cross is also willing to recommend me... if I build him some um, personal items." he mumbled the last part out of mild embarrassment. That man was a pervert, but at least he was a pervert of his word.


	18. Chapter 18

Second part of multiple-feeling-guilty-for-not-updating-sooner update. this chapter is the beginning of... well, bad stuff.

* * *

Six months ago, Komui made his push for the position of Supervisor. With the support and recommendations of two Generals, he now owed Cross one robot, and the entire science department behind him, he met his goal.

It was odd how the additional responsibilities and work fit him. His mind was constantly occupied and gave him little time to rest or wander off on wild tangents. Keeping himself overwhelmed with work worked wonderfully. It had been years since he'd relived That Day.

Even Reever had stopped antagonizing him. With his new appointment as head of the Science Division, as Komui had promised him, the two had formed a truce that bordered on friendship. Komui counted everyone as a friend now. Their goals were the same. They were making the Black Order a family.

The bosses back at the Vatican hated it. Komui was slowly, but surely undermining their tight control on Central. He found he was constantly being tested by them. Unexpected inspections were common enough to become expected. Reever even developed a formula to predict when they were likely to find members of the Crows lurking in the halls.

If nothing else, Komui was frustrated at the lack of drastic changes he could implement. Permits denied, projects scrapped, funding suddenly withdrawn without explanation, he was blocked from major changes at every turn. There was the nagging sense that evidence was being gathered against him. He made no secret of being related to Lenalee and he still needed to go to Heb and be tested for compatibility. The only thing that prevented his outright dismissal was the support he had from the Generals.

Indeed, Komui felt he was being tested. He had no idea how right he was.

"So..." Komui flipped through the book before him. "These are all the volunteers?"

"Past volunteers." Reever corrected him from around a stack of paperwork.

"Can I talk with any of them? I want to get their opinions on the whole process. See what we can do to make it easier... that kind of thing."

"Past volunteers..." Reever corrected again. "That means they're not hanging around here anymore."

"Even if they're failed experiments, I'm sure we can learn something." Komui sipped his coffee. He was slowly replacing the blood in his body with the dark, sweet caffeine. "What? Is there any contact information? Maybe an index in the back or something?"

"Are you even reading any of those?" Reever sifted through one of the many stacks of paper, looking for a specific one.

"I'm skimming..." he whined, unable to admit that he wasn't reading.

"Yeah, well look closer." Reever frowned hard, mad that his supervisor was so oblivious and that he was going to have to explain everything, again. "At the bottom of the page. See the little x in red ink? That means deceased."

"Oh." Komui said softly. He started flipping through the pages with growing horror. "Hand me another book." Reever passed a second, then a third heavy black binder from the stack. "Oh my God..."

"Yeah... every last one of them." Reever mumbled.

"But with a failure rate that high... who would volunteer for that?"

Reever set aside his work to watch him. "Look at their faces." he reached a nicotine stained finger over to tap the photo of an unhappy young woman. "Do they look like willing volunteers to you?" he looked suddenly exhausted. "We stopped calling them volunteers in our department records. That's only for the official records. They were 'subjects' for awhile, but now we've ended up calling them 'specimens'. It makes it a bit easier to cope with."

Komui's hands shook. Words escaped him. There were so many, so many people.

"This... this will be your first time seeing one of the Experiments huh?" Reever said the word like it left a foul taste in his mouth. "We'll have a drink with you when you get back... its... its not pretty."

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." The records went back decades. "Why do they keep doing them when its obvious that they don't work?!"

"Because it _might _work... those specimens just weren't the right ones."

"So the Order... is doing this because it might work?!" he shook his head in disbelief.

"Listen Komui, you can't let this get to you. If you think about it too much you'll go nuts, er, more nuts. You can't go thinking about them as people; you won't be able to do your job."

"But this is wrong!" Komui knocked over his coffee cup in agitation. "This is mass murder...You can see that right?!"

"Of course I do!" Reever hissed, glancing at the door as if to check if it was still closed. "Its not right... I totally agree with you there. But we can't change this. Even now, we're not a position to say anything. Keeping quiet and going along with it is the only option; the only way to stay alive here."

"This is wrong."

"I know."

They worked in silence. Komui went for more coffee. When he returned, he found Reever leaning back in his chair and asleep with his hands behind his head.

"I'm going to change this." Komui whispered.

Reever opened one eye. "The big bosses don't trust you.. not fully, not yet. Play their stupid game long enough and they'll let their guard down. You can't do anything yet... just have to keep playing their crazy game."

Komui found himself smirking. "I just happen to be great at crazy games."

Komui came out personally to meet the newest specimen. He read the profile and the experiment's time line and couldn't believe it. The boy was right.

Misha was escorted by three representatives from the Vatican. One was armed; as if the boy could possibly pose a threat or try to run. Komui wouldn't hesitate to help him if he tried to run.

"Komui!" his pale, gaunt face lit up as he saw him. "You're here..." he smiled. "I'm so glad its you." He looked terrible, ragged and worn. Everything about him had a washed out quality. Like the last time Komui had seen him, he was a soul moving in a shell of a body that could barely hold it.

He didn't have a chance to speak with him. The representatives flanked him and herded him forward. Komui quickly fell in step behind the boy. Misha reached a hand out behind him; Komui laced their fingers together and gave a quick squeeze that was meant to be reassuring, but came off as desperate. They shepherded him to the tiny 'guest quarters' where he would wait until the experiment was ready to begin.

The room was little more than a holding cell. There was a cot, a toilet and a framed painting. The landscape was one of Tiedoll's; the warm sunny hills tried hard to provide comfort and prove that the room wasn't what it looked like. It was a cruel joke. Even as Misha was pushed in, Komui remained silent. They locked the boy in, for his own safety of course.

Komui waited until the representatives were settled into the lavish guest rooms reserved for them and the main lights were shut off for the night before heading back. With a shaking hand he knocked a warning and unlocked the door. Misha had retreated to a corner of the cell, folded in on himself and trying to turn invisible. The framed picture was off the wall and at his feet.

"Sorry for the poor service!" Komui chirped with a forced cheerfulness. "As manager of this fine hotel, I must apologize for my employees..." he cracked his knuckles threateningly. "They will be dealt with... I am happy to report we have an opening in a double. Please follow me... don't worry about your bags." Misha had none; he wasn't going to need anything. "I'll have a bellhop fetch them."

Misha's tense face softened into a sly grin. "I've half a mind to take my business elsewhere..."

Komui stepped back in shock, letting a range of funny expressions cross his face as his hotel manager character tried to decide how to appease a picky guest. "I'll upgrade your room to a suite and open a line of credit for all dining and guest services... any more and I'll attract some bad attention from my bosses." He held out his hands in a helpless gesture.

Misha stood and stretched; he was rail thin, nearly transparent flesh pulled painfully tight over sharp bones. "Its a start. Now let's see that suite." he took Komui's hand they walked. "What are you gonna tell them when they see I'm not in my... room?"

"That its part of my theory that a happy and relaxed volunteer will increase the chance of a successful sync."

"Will it?"

"Probably not... I just want to help you while I can." He tried not to look at the boy as they walked. He was terrified he would fall apart if those ancient eyes caught his.

"Where are we going?" Misha finally asked.

"My quarters, if that's alright... I thought you might get lonely or something."

"I've been lonely for years... but I'll be glad to have company for the next few days."

"How's the family?" He had to force his voice to stay conversational. He was dying for news of what happened after he left them.

"Waiting eagerly for me to join them. I'll tell you everything when we reach your room."

_Smart kid..._ Komui thought. They could be overheard in the halls. "How was your trip?"

"Neat, I've never been on a train before. It makes me want to travel more..." the statement hung heavily in the air. The inside of the Order was the last thing he would see.

"Here's my room..." Komui stopped and pulled open one of the heavy doors. "Its pretty nice here as rooms go."

With his appointment to Supervisor, Komui had moved from the basic science barracks into one of the larger private suites. The main room was pressed into service as his office. It was practically a public space, open to members of the science division and anyone else who might need him. His bedroom was behind it, along with his private bath.

For a few months, Lenalee would come over to bathe with him, just like they had done years ago back home. She only recently stopped, having become old enough to be embarrassed. Komui wouldn't press the issue; he himself was noting how quickly she was growing and that his feelings for her were disturbingly outside the realm of brotherly. It was better for them both to stop such activities.

He also had to give up on trying to get Lenalee a room attached to his. Reever finally told him why there was a rule about siblings in the Order sharing quarters. Years ago a young man got his sister pregnant.

It seemed funny that the product of that union was in his room now. He told the boy about the rule. Misha laughed at it, not bothered in the slightest by his parentage.

He gave Misha the giant four poster bed and slept on the couch in his office. He could only doze fitfully, unable to fully sleep. Tomorrow he would meet up with the representatives and the other department members about the time table for the experiment. Misha still had to sign the consent forms. The papers bothered Komui. Misha had no choice in the matter but still had to go along with the farce. He had to give them permission to kill him.

"Hey, Komui..." Misha appeared like a ghost at the end of the sofa. "I brought you a present."

"How did you know I was still awake?" Komui asked without opening his eyes.

"How do I know anything?" he sat on the arm rest as Komui sat up. "Here, hold out your hand." Komui could do nothing but obey him. Misha pressed a folded paper into his palm and vanished to turn on a light. "Remember when we all played together?"

Komui clapped a hand to his mouth to keep from making a sound as he stared at the wrinkled photograph. The Komui in the photo tried hard to look like an adult, dressed in a borrowed western suit that hung off his thin body. He stood behind a seated woman with an infant on her lap; Petrova and their son. Misha leaned on the armrest of her chair, awkward in the pose the photographer put him in. Petrova had insisted on them having a family portrait taken while they played. This was the only proof it ever happened.

"That's the only picture left." Misha explained. "Mother took the other one with her."

"What happened when I left?" he cradled the photo like a holy relic.

"She died. About a week after leaving on her mission. She left a note. There were so many Akuma where they sent her. The Order sent my mother there to die. She didn't even fight them. She wouldn't die on their orders so she turned the Valkyrie Gattling on herself."

"She killed herself..." Komui touched the face in the photo. Petrova was smiling.

"She always planned to... my father killed himself too. Right after he found out mama was pregnant, he hanged himself." Misha spoke as if discussing the weather. "This kind of thing seems to run in the family..."

"And..." the words stuck in his throat. "My son... what of my son?"

Misha smiled as he sat down beside him. He leaned into Komui's side. "This one is a happy story." Relief flooded him in a warm wave. "He's happy and healthy. Grandmother hired a Chinese woman with a son the same age; she's raising them together. The English name mama gave him has been dropped. Xiang is safe... with a family that loves him as their own."

"And I'll never see him... he'll never even know I exist."

"Its best this way." Misha assured him, pulling him into a comforting hug. "This is the way things are supposed to be right now." Small hands carded through his hair. "You are going to help lead the Order back to God..." Komui had so much he wanted to ask him but he drifted off, still buried in Misha's arms, before he had the chance.


	19. Chapter 19

part three. these few chapter were hard to write... which is probably why i wrote them and then ignored them for a couple years. i didn't want this stuff to happen... or something.

* * *

Komui returned from his meeting in a foul mood. He had tried every argument to try and buy more time. He got a day by insisting that the volunteer needed to rest after being retested for compatibility.

He now knew first hand how terrible that test was. After reading up on the procedure for the experiments, he had finally looked into how a person was actually tested for compatibility. He took the opportunity in the days before Misha arrived to go speak with Heb and finally get his own test out of the way.

"Its the same basic synchronization test we give to the Exorcists. I touch them to know the nature of their Innocence... your sister's is beautiful, Komui." Heb explained in her wavering, ethereal voice. Komui had been terrified of her the first time they met. Now they had moved into a strange but easy working relationship.

"Yes, but what's it like?" He leaned over the railing as if the answer could be read in her body. "Is it different if the person isn't compatible?"

"It is... unpleasant." she shimmered with movement. Komui held back a smile; he was making her uncomfortable with his questions.

"How unpleasant are we talking here? I'd don't like the idea of putting our volunteers..." he said the word harshly. He would not think of them as anything but fellow human beings. "...through this step if its unnecessary and painful." She wavered, unable to really answer him. "Heb, you know what I'm gonna ask next right?"

"I'm afraid so..."

"I need to know what its like." he did grin then. "I won't let anyone else be tested until you test me."

"Will you not be satisfied if I just tell you it is unpleasant for an Exorcist and unbearable for one without Innocence? Komui, it will hurt."

The smile melted from his face. "Our next volunteer is a child. I won't put him through this unless I know what its like first. I've been meaning to do this for awhile anyways." He unbuttoned his white lab coat, carefully folding it on the floor. "This is an order, Heb. You will test me."

"If I must..." Heb sighed, reaching out with gauzy tendrils. She lifted him with ease. "Please brace yourself. I will make this as quick as possible."

He wasn't sure if he screamed, but he must have.

Something was inside him, moving relentlessly under his skin. Every muscle tensed desperately as his body tried to push out the offending matter. It went far beyond invasive; he was violated. There wasn't enough room in his body for both it and him. He was going to burst open. He wished to die, just to make it stop...

Suddenly it did stop. Komui was back on the platform, curled into a tight ball and shaking hard. He had never felt anything like that and would be quite happy to never go through it ever again. Tears were streaming down his face.

"Komui?" Heb questioned softly.

"Thanks Heb..." he gasped, grateful he could still form words. Sweating and gritting his teeth against the ache, he tried to stand. His knees were too weak, he leaned hard on the platform railing to keep upright. He looked fiercely at Heb, staring directly where her eyes were hidden. "That was great..."

"You are a masochist."

"Probably." he forced away any sign of pain and weakness. He couldn't afford weakness here or anywhere else. "How did I do?"

"You, yourself are not compatible... but you are a carrier of compatibility. You can pass it on. Do not risk fathering any children."

"No problem there..." he lied with a smile. He left the room walking tall and strong. Confidently, hiding how badly the experience affected him.

That was a week before Misha's arrival. Komui grimaced as he stormed down the hallway. Misha was going to be retested this afternoon. He needed to bring him down to sign the consent forms. Komui wanted to warn him about what to expect.

"Misha..." he called once inside his office. Somehow the boy was behind him; Komui jumped and gave an undignified squeak. Misha giggled. Putting the boy through this was going to kill him. "Sit... so we can talk." The boy quickly sat on the sofa where Komui joined him. "Ok..." he leaned his elbows on his knees. "Here's how this is going to happen." Ancient eyes bored into him. Misha didn't blink; he just stared as if he could see Komui's very soul. He probably could. It was terrifying. "Today, you'll come with me to the meeting room and sign the consent forms and then you'll be retested by Heb. Tomorrow you rest. The next morning..." he could barely say it. "we finish... if there's anything special you want, favorite food or anything... just tell me. We have the rest of today and all of tomorrow."

"You say 'we' like we're in this together." Misha somehow smiled. "Thank you for that."

"How can you be so calm?!" Komui blurted out. "If it was me I'd be a screaming, crying mess!"

"I've known this was coming for a long time... I'm sure I'll be screaming at some point." He shut his eyes and kept them closed. "Let's go. The sooner I get this part over with, the sooner I can relax."

He held Komui's hand as they walked. "Are those coffins?" he asked pulling them off course in the great hall.

There were six in neat rows. It had been a thankfully slow couple of days. The hall could hold hundreds.

Misha dropped his hand to go touch one, running his fingers gently, almost lovingly over the smooth dark wood. "These are very nice... will I get one like this?"

Komui wanted to tell him yes, that he would get a proper service and a coffin. "Sure will... I'll have a special child sized one set aside for you." he lied.

"So... no, huh?"

"From what I understand..." Komui took a deep breath. "There won't be enough left for one."

"Oh." he whispered and returned to clutch at his hand. "Being tested today... its gonna hurt isn't it?"

"Yes." Komui answered honestly. Obviously, he would know if he lied again.

"But, you'll be there right?"

"I'm not leaving you..." he tried to smile for him. "You'll be sick of me by the end."

Misha chuckled. "If I asked you to... would you kill me?" the question out of nowhere floored Komui. "If its too much, will you help me finish dying? Can you give me..." he fidgeted, looking for the right word. "Mercy?"

"I think so." he replied carefully, heart pounding against his ribs. When the time came he had given Xiang his murderous brand of mercy; when the time came he would probably be able to do it again. His stomach flipped with the realization that he would do it. "I won't let you suffer... God, this is wrong. We shouldn't even be having this conversation." Komui stopped abruptly.

"Its ok." Misha squeezed his hand. "We stopped speaking English awhile ago... relax."

"God..." Komui wasn't sure when they had switched.

"Do I still scare you?" there was a soft smile on Misha's bloodless lips.

"How do you do this stuff?!"

"I'm smart... I watch, I pay attention and I notice things." he replied. "Don't take this the wrong way. You're easy to read. I can tell when you're scared; your voice changes slightly, you blink faster, your palms sweat. I just notice all the physical changes and then I know how you feel..."

"Speaking... Chinese..."

"I can speak Chinese, Komui." he made an odd giggle. "I was born in the Asian Branch. I had a Chinese nursemaid. I learn fast. I barely spoke English until the train ride here..."

"But all those times..."

"I was just messing with you... I never got to be around other children. I had to grow up fast to survive my mama and grandmother's tempers. You showed up. You were broken, fun to play with. But then, I could see you were trapped in some nightmare and hurting too. I thought it would be helpful to talk to you that way, that maybe I could help you wake up. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you... I'm nothing special." Komui wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. "I just did what you needed me to... to help you."

"How did you know I would be here then?"

"I didn't... I can't see the future or anything like that. You're here because I said you'd be and you believed me... you made it come true, not me. I'm happy it worked."

"Your eyes..."

"Defective... I can barely see. There are clouds in them." he stopped walking to stare up at him. True enough, now that Komui dared to fully meet his gaze, he could see the haze present in them. "I don't even really see color anymore; everything is kind of gray. This is the one defect that came with my lineage."

"Komui, whatever you though I was, I'm not. You have to believe that."

Komui nodded numbly. He wasn't sure what he believed. Misha's arguments made sense. All the previous contact he had with him was while he was in a fragile state of mind. It was easy to mistake intelligence and intuition for something supernatural.

The representatives were waiting for them. Misha didn't look at any of them. One of them read the consent form aloud, breaking down the complicated language. Misha fiddled with the edge of his shirt.

_They think he's stupid..._ Komui realized. _They know nothing about him..._ He was sure that if they just looked in his eyes they would see that they were doing something terribly wrong. Komui studied their faces and what he saw there horrified him. Their expressions held no sympathy, nor did they show any contempt. They were blank, completely indifferent; they didn't care. Somehow that was worse than any other emotion they could have shown.

Misha's hand shook as he signed the paper. His fate sealed. Komui wanted to snatch the form away and tear it to shreds. This wasn't right. He didn't have much time to think about it as they were quickly hustled to Heb's room. _This is just a test..._ he reminded himself.

However bad the test had been for him, it was a million times worse for Misha. Komui forced himself to watch. The boy only screamed once, a short surprised yelp as Heb touched him. He arched violently and his voice abandoned him. It went on impossibly long; at some point Misha dropped into blessed unconsciousness. Heb cradled him like an infant, a mockery of tenderness. Komui thought he could actually see his skin move with the force of the matter searching through him. _Let this stop... enough already, we're hurting him...God, please... stop already..._

Heb gently deposited him on the platform by their feet. His thin body shook painfully. One of the representatives nudged him over with his boot, rolling him onto his back. His eyelids fluttered; there was froth on his lips. The test had given him a seizure. Komui would never forgive the Order. He would never forgive himself for his role in this.

"Pathetic..." mumbled someone to his left. It took every ounce of will power to keep from responding.

"Heb..." Komui was surprised how calm his voice was. "What was his rate?" he turned to the others with a polite smile. "It'll be a waste of time and resources for anything under a nine percent." He pulled a hopefully low enough number from the air. He was going to stop this crime from going any further.

"His compatibility rate has changed since the last test." she answered smoothly. "He has an eleven percent chance of successful synchronization."

"Up one whole point... nice." one of the representatives checked the papers on his clipboard. "This is just great... little guy might just make it."

"I'll take that bet..." replied another. "Look at him... scrawny thing. He'll burn right up."

Komui dug his fingernails into his palms and kept his placid smile set in place. The way they were talking; it was like a game to them. The frail body gasping on the floor was only so much meat. Misha wasn't even human to them.

"Hey drag it back to its room, before it rolls off the edge." They left it up to Komui to move him. One of the men paused before leaving to clap Komui on the shoulder.

"They don't mean it. Just trying to distance themselves. We spent a whole week on the train with the kid. He was nothing but nice to us. You're new to this right? One word of advice, distance yourself from them. Its something we all have to do. That's why we usually do everything in one day, less time to get attached." Komui nodded tersely. "Need any help carrying him?"

"No, I carried him a lot when he was little."

"Shit..." the other man breathed. "You do know him then?"

"Yes."

"Shit." he left the room. "I wouldn't tell anyone that if I were you... do what you have to."

Komui knelt by the boy. "Sorry Misha." he pulled out a handkerchief and attempted to clean the pale face. Misha stirred and opened his eyes. Komui handed him the square of fabric. He blew his nose; it started bleeding heavily.

A pale ghostly glow came over them as Heb leaned over the railing. "I lied to them..." she shimmered. "His rate is almost twenty percent... I had hoped that eleven would have discouraged them enough to cancel. I'm sorry."

"Twenty... what does that mean? He has a chance of survival?" Even if the experiment failed, it would be fine if Misha lived. Even if he had to look after him for the rest of his life, Komui would happily shoulder that burden.

"No... I have tried with volunteers with compatibility rates of nearly seventy percent. Even that is not enough."

Misha blinked in confusion, watching their conversation. He put a finger in his ear; it came back bloody. He rolled his eyes and tilted his head to help it drain.

"Damn it Heb..." Komui growled. "How can you keep doing this stuff?"

She sighed, rippling and casting odd shadows. "I have been here so long... done so much. It has become like stepping on ants."

"God damn you." Komui said coldly. He helped Misha to his feet.

"God doesn't damn people..." the boy slurred. "They can only damn themselves." He slid from Komui's grip and leaned on the platform railing. "You can be forgiven... if you have regrets. All you need to do is ask."

Amused, Heb loomed over him. "Do you forgive me?"

"Of course. You have no choice in killing me." the faint smile returned to his face. "I forgive you for this... but, you've done so much. When I get there, I'll personally ask God to try and forgive you for everything else."

Heb shimmered almost violently, visibly upset. It made Komui smile. Misha could unnerve anyone. He knelt and helped the boy onto his back. He carried him into the hall like that.

"Misha?"

"I just told her what she needed to hear..." he mumbled tiredly into Komui's shoulder. "What time is it?"

"Lunch time... if you're up to it."

"I'm thirsty."

"Ok... we'll get cleaned up and I'll call someone from the kitchen to get us something special." He hated how calm he sounded.

"Can I have hot chocolate? Its cold here."

Komui smiled. "Of course you can. You want marshmallows too?" there was no answer; Misha had slid back into unconsciousness. "I'll get extra marshmallows then."

Komui wasn't in the room when he woke. He had to personally go to the kitchen to make sure Jerry and his cooks didn't get too creative with the hot chocolate. While he was there, Jerry asked about the upcoming experiment. Komui told him to be prepared for any meal requests. Apparently that was a first. The previous volunteers were never around for that long. The very idea turned his stomach.

Misha was sitting at his desk when he returned, hunched over and furiously scratching out a letter. "Don't look." he mumbled. "You can't read this until its over. Don't open it, don't look, don't do anything." he flashed a tired smile.

"Why's that?" he set down the tray of drinks and snacks.

"I'm messing with you one last time." Misha grinned, looking suddenly more alive than Komui had ever seen him. "I just wish I could be here to see your face." He folded his paper and roughly jammed it in an envelope before sagging in the chair. The brief illusion of vitality vanished, leaving him a living ghost again. "I feel like crap."

"I know how you feel..." Komui commiserated. "I had myself tested. I could barely move." Misha nodded with a groan. "I can give you something for the pain..." Komui offered. "I don't want to see you hurting, not while I can do something about it." Long ago he had been to the hospital wing and lifted a first aid kit along with a selection of the strongest medicines from the locked cabinet. He had more than enough morphine for a fatal dose. Misha had but to ask for mercy and he would give it. "There is no sense in suffering..."

"Just enough to make me feel better... not dull my mind ok?"

"I can do that." Komui went to his locked cabinet and pulled out a small bottle and syringe. Tapping it carefully to remove any air bubbles, he brought it to where Misha slumped at his desk. "Now... don't go getting addicted to this stuff!" he joked. Like it even mattered at this point.

Misha sighed as the drug melted away the lingering aches. "I'm scared." he admitted. "After that... I'm scared. Its not that I didn't know this was coming or that its gonna hurt... just now that its actually here..." he seemed so small sitting there. "The real thing is gonna be worse, isn't it?"

"From what I understand..." Komui started carefully and knelt before him. "You won't feel it for long." he took the boy's cold thin hands in his. "Your body... gets overwhelmed and stops being able to process pain signals."

"Oh God..."

"I know." Komui suddenly couldn't bare to look at him. He bowed his head. "I think we may be on the wrong side of all this." he whispered. The though had been gnawing at him for some time. "I think we might be the bad guys."

"No." Misha replied. "The Order exists for the right reason... but its methods are wrong. Its leaders are wrong. Our Pope is a false pope. He believes only in power, not in God. He believes the ends justify the means." His hand settled on Komui's head. The man clutched the other desperately in both of his. Kissing his fingers on instinct; it seemed like the natural thing to do. "They never do. Our number of innocent causalities is the same as the enemy's. We kill just as many as they do. Komui, you will help change that."

"You're a scary kid, you know that?"

"Just what you need to hear."

"You know..." Komui raised his eyes and tried to meet his. He couldn't let this happen; he had to give him an out. "If you want to run, I won't stop you. I'll help you get away."

"I know."

"Here, drink your hot chocolate." Komui helped him back to the sofa and put the warm cup in his hands. They sat in an easy silence.

"Komui... I've thought of some requests now."

"I'll do everything I can. Ask away. We'll make tomorrow a perfect day."

"They're kind of dumb..." he said sheepishly. Komui shrugged. He would do his best to accommodate his wishes. Misha started listing things.

His requests were mostly fear based, showing how painfully young he still was. Komui wasn't to leave him alone unless he specifically asked. He wanted him by his side while he slept. He wanted pancakes for breakfast and fruit with lunch. He wanted to try alcohol. He wanted to play a game outside. He wanted to kiss a girl. He wanted to see all of Komui's drawings and have his portrait done.

Komui paused at that, wondering if he had ever said anything about the sketches he made or if the boy had spied him working. "I never draw in front of anyone... how did you know?"

"I didn't... it was another guess. You design and build things, I figured you drew them first."

"You are creepy smart..." he laughed. "I'll take the food list down to Jerry and see what he can come up with. As for the kiss... that may be a challenge, but I'll find you a girl. Not just any one, but a sweet, pretty and tender young lady. There aren't many places outside, but there is a balcony in the tower. We'll have a picnic there."

"I'd like that." Misha scooted closer and pressed against Komui's side. "I'm so tired... wake me for dinner ok?" he sighed and rested his head on the adult's shoulder. "Just let me fall asleep here... you can go then."

Komui smiled and put both arms around the boy, letting him drift off into a deep drugged sleep. He looked peaceful. _I'm not going to let the happen..._ he decided. He would get him out of here. Tomorrow night, it was then or never. He would keep up appearances throughout the day and then have Misha spirited away. He played with his pale, lank hair. It looked like his mother's. _I couldn't save Xiang, my parents... I couldn't save Lenalee. I couldn't save Petrova... but I can still save you. It's not too late. I will save you._


	20. Chapter 20

if your just now jumping in this is the last part of this four part guilty update. not gonna lie; this was rough. thanks again to my readers. i've got several pages of the next chapter written. it'll be coming to an end soon then and i'll try to finish up the other tales that i've so cruelly left hanging.

* * *

"You're really bad at this..." Komui laughed as jogged over to pick up the ball.

"You just can't catch!" the boy called back before jumping to catch the ball Komui lobbed at him. Neither of them had much experience playing catch and spent more time chasing the escaping ball than actually playing. It was still fun.

Komui was shirking all his work to make Misha's last day perfect. Even as he laughed and smiled, his insides were twisted into a tight knot. They had just finished lunch out on the high tower balcony and now they were goofing off. It felt like they had all the time in the world.

He tossed the ball too hard. In almost slow motion they watched it arc gracefully over the stone railing and into empty space. Misha darted to the edge and leaned over to watch it fall.

"Its a long way down." he observed and, to Komui's horror, hoisted himself onto the thick stone guardrail. He stood silent, just looking down. Komui walked slowly to him, terrified that he would startle him into slipping. "Think I should go after it?" he was smiling oddly.

"Naw..." Komui leaned on the rail beside him. "Too many rocks. You'd never find it."

"Probably right..." he agreed and sat dangling his thin legs over the edge. Komui carefully threaded his arms under Misha's and held him, just in case he decided to try and chase the ball anyways. "Its a nice view." he kicked his feet and leaned back against Komui's chest. "Have you found anyone to give me a kiss?"

"We're gonna storm the nurses' station. I'm sure there's a willing girl there." Komui lifted him and tugged him back onto the safe side of the railing.

"Sounds fun."

"Lets go now then!" grabbing his hand, he took off into the building and down the stairs. "This is gonna be funny..."

Komui burst into the nurses' break room, his hair comically wild and disheveled. Several of the young nurses sat up in alarm.

"I need a kiss!" he shouted. "Now, for the love of God!" the nurses stared at him with wide eyes. From behind him in the hall, Misha was giggling hysterically. "Come on, this is an emergency! Who's the best kisser in here?" he grinned like a cat. "Don't be shy now... ladies, if the best kisser doesn't come forward we'll just have to have a competition. Nancy, Nicola... you two kiss each other and decide who's best. Winner kisses Jan." Misha was on the floor laughing, Komui had never heard him make sounds like that.

Nancy was up and across the floor in three steps. She slapped him. Misha roared. "You sir, are an ass." she hissed. Komui held his red cheek and blinked owlishly. Nancy grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a deceptively passionate kiss. "There." she shoved him back with a confident smirk. "Satisfied?"

"Well, it was very nice of you, but it wasn't for me. My friend here needs a kiss." at that all the women in the break room were in an uproar. They ranted, raved and threatened him. Misha edged his way around the door and made his presence known. "Ladies, Misha here has never kissed a girl. Just indulge us here..." The nurses fell silent; the boy wore the gray baggy shirt and pants given to every volunteer. His fate was obvious to everyone.

"Can't be helped." Nancy shrugged and stepped forward. "I'll do it. Come here, little man. You deserve a kiss done right." She leaned down and with a wink gave the boy a glorious view down the front of her blouse.

Misha stepped back, bright red and nervous. Jan awed and his pale face blushed even harder. "Not in front of everyone!" he yelped. Nancy grinned and steered him into the hall and closed the door behind them.

"So..." Komui turned to the remaining nurses. "Who wants to get me a coffee?" They glared at him coolly and he tried to remember which one of them he had fooled around with at the Christmas party last year. The head nurse had given him a stern lecture for that. He was grateful she was still on duty and not in the room. He was probably going to get another lecture for today too. Unsure of what else to do, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and started whistling.

The door burst open with a bang loud enough to make them all jump. Nancy grabbed him by the back of the collar and with a near inhuman strength hauled him backwards into the hallway. He stumbled and landed hard on his backside. Misha was grinning madly, a bright red hand print glowed across the side of his face.

"What did you do?" Komui chuckled. He already had a good idea.

Misha raised one hand and made an obvious squeezing motion. "Honk." he whispered. "I saw my chance and took it."

"You little letch..." Komui teased. "She's gonna be pissed at me for years for this. Was it worth it?"

"Totally."

"Good." He stood and dusted himself off. "Let's go eat something and celebrate your victory over Nancy's most perfect breast."

"You make it sound so dirty... this was just an innocent boy's curiosity." his smile wavered. "I was really hoping that they would wait a few more years. There's a lot I still haven't done. I'm gonna die a virgin." he grumbled.

"Yeah, can't help you there..." Komui's mind drifted to the things he did with Xiang so long ago. It didn't feel right then and it wouldn't feel right now.

"No offense," the boy was grinning again. "but I wouldn't really want you to."

"Glad we agree there... I could still look around for a girl for you. The only women working here are the female Exorcists and the nursing staff, not a great choice, but I think I can get someone..."

"Don't worry about it." Misha was holding his hand again as they walked. "I'm not really upset. I don't know what I'm missing. Anyways, this body is too young for that stuff. My voice hasn't even stated changing yet."

_God, we're killing a child tomorrow... _Komui thought with an icy chill. With the way the boy spoke and the way he carried himself, he had gotten into the habit of thinking of the boy as being just as old as he was. Misha always seemed like an adult in miniature.

It was three in the morning when Misha shattered. He woke and screamed. Komui had been next to him as requested. He couldn't sleep. He rolled over with the noise and pulled the now hysterical youth against his chest. He would get him out of here as soon as he calmed.

"I don't _wanna die_!" Misha sobbed unabashedly into his nightshirt. "I'm scared... I'm _so_ scared..." Komui held him tighter. There were no words of comfort he could offer. "They're _gonna kill me_! I'm scared... I _don't wanna_ do this anymore. _Komui, they're gonna kill me!_ I don't wanna do this... it has to be meee, I don't want _them_ to kill me! _Why!?_ Why is it me?! _Why does it have to be meee?!_ Komui, I don't wanna die..." Komui held him until his screams quieted and the little body could only shake in exhaustion from the outburst.

"Misha..." Komui finally spoke. He knew what had to be done and it had to be done now. "I'm not gonna let this happen ok. Listen carefully..." he pet the boy's hair soothingly. "You remember the way to the kitchen right? I'm going to 'forget' to lock my door. Go straight through the main hall and to the kitchen. Stay out of sight till you're there. Find Jerry, he's there all the time. Go and tell him you got lost and need to go home. He's a good person. He'll keep you hidden until the morning supply wagon comes in. You leave with the wagon. I'll wake up to find you missing. We'll look everywhere and I'll tell them I found your shoes on the balcony and that you must have jumped. Body is washed out to sea and you start a new life away from the Order!"

Misha was staring at him. Even in the dark he could feel the immense weight of his eyes. There was no defect in them, the boy had lied; he was sure of it. "All my money is in the bottom drawer of my desk. Take it all."

"You would do that for me?"

"Yes. I'll take any punishment the Order could give me for letting you get away. Hell, I'll give everything I have, even if it can only save one person." He felt strangely warm, as if something missing was sliding into place. "Everything, every last part of me. Even it its only one person. I don't think it would be a waste."

"I think... you understand." The little body curled along side of him. "Thank you, Komui."

* * *

Komui was alone when he woke that morning. He breathed a sigh of relief. Misha had taken his advice and ran. He stretched and decided to go see if the boy had left him any of his money. His heart dropped as he entered the front room. Misha was still here.

"No..." he whispered, half horrified. "Why?! Misha, why are you still here?"

The boy smiled at him. "Thanks for giving me the option to run... I went to the kitchen. Mr Jerry made me a special breakfast. I took a bath and washed my hair, trimmed my fingernails... I want to look nice when I go to my family."

"God damn it! Why!? Why didn't you run?"

"Where is your sister?" Misha asked softly.

"What?" Komui blinked. "She's... on a mission..."

"Did she personally come and tell you that, or did someone bring you the message?" Komui frowned. Lenalee made a point of coming to say goodbye before she left on a mission. Just because she didn't this one time didn't mean anything.

"I believe she's still here... I believe that if you let me 'escape' she wouldn't come back from her 'mission'... This is your first experiment and I'm not the only one being tested here."

"What?"

"This is how the Order is testing your loyalty... how well you obey their commands. I think your sister will suffer if you don't play along."

"They wouldn't do that!" Komui blurted out. "She's an Exorcist! She's valuable..."

"Just like my mama..." Misha looked up at him and Komui was pulled under by his eyes. They were drowning pools, dark, ancient and terrifyingly powerful. "They have her and they will kill her without hesitation if you don't follow through with their orders. You know they will. Exorcists are just tools to be used. The Order doesn't even see them as humans."

"Then, I'll change it!" He had the boy by his bony shoulders. "I'll take responsibility for them. I'll protect as many as I can and those who die... I won't let it be in vain! I'll remember them and work harder in their honor!" he was on the floor kneeling before the boy. "I won't forget anyone and the sacrifices they made..." Misha's hand settled on his bowed head; it felt like a blessing.

"I swear it!" Komui was breaking down fast, his voice thick. "I swear to God..." Komui dared to look at Misha's eyes and spill blasphemy. He knew. No matter what the boy claimed, he knew better.

Who is Like God?

He had carried this truth with him since the boy had healed his madness years ago. _He_ had _healed_ him; he took his head in his thin hands there on the parlor floor and _took away his madness_. Who is Like God? He was certain of it. He pulled him out of the nightmares trapping him and washed away his insanity. Tiedoll had been thorough in teaching him. Who else could heal like that but one Who is Like God?

"_I swear to you._"

"Ah no, Komui... you're smart. You're a man of science. You can't keep thinking I'm something I'm not..."

"Right." Komui conceded. He wouldn't say what he believed if the boy didn't want to hear it. "You're nothing more than what I see before me. I understand that."

Misha leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "You're ready." his smile was gentle, surprisingly calm. Komui lifted his face quickly and chastely pressed his lips against the boy's, madly wanting another little brush of his divinity. For just a brief moment he was kissed back.

"Help me be brave today." He picked at the breakfast on the coffee table. "I'm too nervous to eat."

Komui didn't have much of an appetite either. The representatives would arrive soon to escort them to Heb's room. Misha nibbled on an apple while Komui went to his locked cabinet. He was determined to at least help the boy with this and filled a pair of syringes with mercy. He wasn't going let him feel it. Misha watched from the corner of his eye. He nodded his consent.

"Do you want something to settle your nerves?" he knelt before him again, one syringe still in hand. He would kill him here and now if he asked. It would be alright here; he almost hoped he would ask him to, anything to spare him from the agony of the Innocence's rejection as it burned him through to the bones. Komui would kill him lovingly, gently and hold him till the end.

"Please." he offered his arm. Komui picked out a thick vein and slid the needle in place. Misha sighed as the morphine hit his senses. "How much...?"

"Just a little... its far less than I gave you last time. Its just for nerves." he soothed, setting the half full syringe on the table. "I'll have the rest ready for when you're ready."

They sat together on the sofa. Misha ended up straddling his lap, arms wrapped around his neck. Komui held him tightly, as if he could protect him from what was coming. They kissed again; carefully and softly, there was no lust in it. Only two souls just desperately happy for the comfort of each other.

At 9:30 sharp, there was a knock at the door. Misha sighed and let his head fall back. Komui kissed him once more, carefully untangling their limbs from each other and straightening the boy's clothes.

"Sorry." he whispered apologetically. Guilty, had he taken advantage of the boy? Komui felt a little justified in his actions. He wanted to memorize Misha, worship him as he felt he deserved and most of all show him that he was worshiped. He had to at least know that he was loved, adored. How else should a disciple behave towards one Who is Like God?

"Its fine..." Misha smiled, impossible eyes slightly fogged with the drugs. "I didn't know I wanted that. It felt nice. That was... fun? Yes, fun." he sighed and shut his eyes. "Better let them in, Komui. I need to talk to them too."

"Can I say something first?" he softly asked the three men who came for him. They shifted nervously and Komui smiled. He was used to the boy's ability to mess with a person. Without opening his eyes or waiting for permission he spoke again. "Harold, go home. You have nothing holding you here. They don't blame you, it was an accident. They will be happy just to have you home. Jean... its yours without a doubt. You're just making her mad by trying to get out of your responsibilities. Josef... she'll take you back if you can break the habit. It won't be easy, but with her help you can do it." he sighed. "There... I'm ready." He stood and walked past the stunned men to the door, pausing only to take Komui's hand.

They led the way to Heb's room, the three bewildered men trailing behind them. "Good job there..." Komui mumbled. "You seriously freaked them out."

"I listened on the train... they all talk way too much." he smiled that same odd, soft smile and squeezed his hand tightly.

At the sight of Heb's door, Misha's knees gave out. The thin ethereal creature Komui knew was gone. Replaced with a terrified and very human boy that clung to his arm, hyperventilating and trying to fight back panic.

As he had asked, Komui would help him be brave. "Come on now, Misha..." He soothed. "You only get to do this once. Let's make it good." He steadied him. One of the men, Komui refused to let them have names even if Misha said them, came forward to put a hand on his shoulder. Misha paused to look back out into the hall, smiling, raising his hand and almost saying something.

Komui was struck again by the youth of the boy. His insides twisted into a tight knot that refused to release. _I'm killing a child... _They stood before Heb.

"Komui..." Misha whispered. "Help me..."

Komui knelt, blocking the boy from view with his body and pulled him into one last hug. He slid the needle full of 'mercy' into his paper thin skin and pushed the plunger home.

The boy's eyes widened. "How much did you...?"

"Just enough... now, you should already have a warm hollow feeling in your legs, then you'll start to feel disconnected... it should feel pleasant, warm, very good, everything slows like a dream. You'll drift off like that." Added to the first dose from earlier, Komui gave him far over the lethal amount. The slightest look of relief crossed Misha's stricken face. With any luck, he wouldn't feel a thing. He would just stop. "You have time for three steps. Heb will catch you."

Misha nodded and took the three steps to the platform railing. He turned and held Komui's eyes. He had no last words. Heb caught him as his eyes lost focus.

Komui kept his promise. Even as the boy was consumed by the Innocence, even as it rejected him and burned him away to nothing. Even through the screams that still escaped drugged lips; Komui did not look away. He watched. He held those ancient eyes with his own and then the empty bloodied sockets when they were gone. He watched with the icy knowledge that Misha was still somewhat conscious as his body dissolved around him. The others looked away, hiding behind their clipboards and notes, but determinedly Komui watched.

Then is was over. There was nothing left of the child who just minutes ago was holding his hand.

Heb calmly announced the obvious. "Experiment has failed. Volunteer has died." The others filed out quickly, anxious to finish their reports and analysis and put this whole event behind them.

"Heb..." Komui, finally released his white knuckled grip on the railing. "This is the last time." His spoke softly, but his voice was steady and strong.

He walked alone back to his room. It was only ten in the morning. He had an entire day to get through. Breakfast was still on the table. He poked at it. An apple with Misha's bite marks in it fell to the floor. Komui stared at the tiny teeth marks. He broke down.

For the first time in years, he laughed like screaming. He screamed like laughing.

With a feral yell he kicked the table and sent everything scattering to the floor. He threw the plates and broke his coffee mug. Screams interspersed with violent sobs, he raged, destroying anything he could get his hands on.

He was a murderer.

He was a child killer.

He helped the Order torture and murder a boy, a boy he loved dearly and played father to.

He was going to hell for his part in this.

There was a crash of thunder; Komui tore the drapes from the window in time to see the first drops of rain patter on the glass. The very earth wept for Misha. He laughed madly and thought of going to the tower balcony so the icy rain could wash him clean as he fell to the rocks below. Breathing hard, he stumbled back onto the floor in front of his desk and surveyed the damage of his room. It was trashed and he was tired now.

_Letter..._ He remembered the boy writing at this same desk two days or a lifetime ago. Komui hauled himself up and began frantically digging through the mess of his desk for it. Throwing stacks of papers and folders to the floor, he hated them all. Clutching the envelope like a holy relic, it took him two hours and the remaining contents of the half empty syringe just to work up the courage to open it.

_Calm down. You are not guilty. You have been forgiven. This had to happen. Had to. It had to be me, just as it had to be you. None of us ever had a choice in this._

_Thank you for offering me one anyways._

The letter was folded into segments, forcing Komui to read only a bit at a time. Beneath the first two lines there was more writing in Russian, some crossed out and others scribbled away into an unreadable mess. An utterly childish drawing of a rabbit was smiling at him in the upper corner.

Tears welled in his eyes again; standing, he set the letter down to avoid smudging it and paced the room until he could calm down enough to start reading again. He would have to find someone to read the Russian script. He needed to know every last thing Misha wrote. With a deep steadying breath, he went to unfold the paper and read the next set of lines.

_Thank you for not looking away. I know it was hard, but I'll be the last one to go through this because of the changes you'll make._

Komui shivered and thought back._ He did this on purpose..."I'm messing with you one last time... I just told you what you needed to hear..." He wrote this yesterday... even now Misha is still messing with me._ Komui smiled faintly with the realization. The letter was telling him everything he wanted to hear. Could the boy still read him so easily? Of course he could.

_Komui, I can be honest with you now. You wouldn't have been able to go through with this if I hadn't lied to you._

_I am as you believe I am._

Ice ran through him. Komui's hands shook as he read the line again and again. _He... he's still messing with me, right? He has to be... he said he was just messing with me... otherwise... its true...otherwise I killed... oh shit._ The storm outside raged with renewed fury. "I killed..." the blasphemy died on his lips. "Who is like God?" his eyes returned to the paper.

_Your sister will bring you a new coffee mug; she's going to look very cute with short hair._

_Choose your allies closely. Trust them. They will die for you._

_Reever will help balance your work. Tapp has a sister. Johnny is much stronger than everyone thinks, including himself. He has something important to do. Look the other way when he leaves._

_My mother gave Xiang Timothy for his christening name. She didn't bother telling you. He is compatible and I'm so sorry. The Order will find him. _

_This is the important part Komui, you need to be ready when the day comes: The Destroyer of Time will awaken and come in your lifetime. He will bring the beginnings and endings of all things. You will be one of his chosen. Believe in him, for he is far greater than I. Be ready to act in his name. _

Komui carefully refolded the letter and reverently set it back in his desk. It was indeed a holy relic. Morphine didn't sit well with his stomach. He walked calmly and slowly to the bathroom and threw up.


End file.
